Terminal Lives

A Terminal Life: Chapter 11 My Dad Took My Secrets To His Grave

By Debra Allen

My Mom, Her Mom and Me

This was at the re-dedication of my marriage to my fist husband way back in the early 1980's.

Source: Debra Allen

All About Frostburg, Maryland

Frostburg (MD) (Images of America)

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Experience Brought To Surface

I have so many things to write about in my life and what has happened so far. I was thinking of this a while ago and then it kind of went to the back burner while other things bubble up to the surface after my father’s death on May 27, 2014. It was when this Answer or really Question popped up on my HubPages News Feed that brought some other things and the thought before back to the surface of my mind. Here is that Question:http://gmwilliams.hubpages.com/_35sahxpt0lubf/question/241825/were-you-an-unwanted-andor-unplanned-childif-so--were-you-begrudingly-accepted--barely-tolerated-

Frostburg, Maryalnd

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Mom's History

Let me start off with my mom’s life as she has expressed it was like to me many times. Her parents, my grandmother and grandfather, were both serious alcoholics and smokers. My grandfather became a recluse later in his life. I mean a real recluse or some might call him a hermit. He lived in a shack on the side of a mountain. I mean a real shack, just four walls put together. I really have no idea how he survived the cold winters and the snow. You see he lived up on the mountain above the town that my parents and all my family were born in. It has a name that fits it well, Frostburg. I call it “little Alaska”. They always get snow and much of it starting in October right through March and sometime April too. Well he lived on that mountain. I remember one visit to him in the spring and he gave both my sister and I a bowl of freshly picked blackberries with milk and sugar on them. They were delicious.

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  Well here I am happy as can be and alone again in my garage, just me and my beer. This is where I spent a lot of time doing the drinking thing. I was alone because no one could bare to be around me when I drank.

Alcohol and Angels

My mom told me some stories that I never thought that my family could or should endure. I hear and read other’s experiences with alcoholism. You never really understand it from their point of view until it hits home. Well my mother wasn’t exactly the poster child of being an angel growing up. That should not have brought the treatment that she got from her parent’s disease though. Not in my opinion anyways. She would go out and down the street and be playing with her friends and when she got home she would be beaten. I think that it got so bad that her sister took her in. Mom is the baby of the family and the only surviving child now and she is 76 years old. Her sister was something like 10 years older than her and she was the oldest in her family, two brothers followed her before my mom was born. They are gone too. One died of Cirrhosis of the Liver. He also had TB at one time too because I can remember riding up with my mom so that she could visit him.

RIP Aunt Laverne

Source: Debra Allen

Services For My Aunt

Ok let me get back on track again. So my mom lived with her oldest sister throughout her teen years. Well according to my mom she was treated badly there as well and did so hold a grudge against her …. still… and her sister is dead. Mom did not go to her service. My Aunt was cremated. Mom used the excuse that she was sick. Mom was very jealous of my aunt. She didn’t like how my aunt’s family treated her sister like a queen. I think that is pathetic. I, and my husband, were the only ones that showed our respects from the family. I kept getting asked how my mom was and why she was not there. Oh it was so awkward to be put in that position. Seemed to me, at the time, that mom never even called them to tell them she was not going to be there. I just told them that I didn’t know if she was coming or not but that she wasn’t feeling good.

Welsh Memorial Baptist Church

Welsh Memorial Baptist Church, Frostburg, Maryland, The one that my grandfather dug out and built the foundation for.

Source: Debra Allen

Merging Religious Ancestry

Like I said earlier mom wasn’t not a great poster child for anything. She told me all about how many times that she skipped school and got caught by the truant officer each and every time. She barely graduated because of all the days that she missed. She showed me where she always went when she didn’t go to school. It was a restaurant or local hangout for the teens at that time. I am talking about in the early 1950’s here. It was called The Princess and the truant officer always knew where she was. She was what I would call a “Wild Child”, or a “Free Spirit”.

She was raised Catholic because my grandmother’s maternal side was. My dad was Welsh Baptist. I do not know how that all worked out but she went with my dad to the Welsh Baptist Church all the time and we were raised there. Oh they were big into that and up until they started getting sick and their mobility went downhill they went every single Sunday. Mom’s father excavated and built the foundation to the Welsh Baptist Church in Frostburg. They had no machinery then like they do now and he dug out that dirt by hand, with shovels, with some help from other men. I grew up in that church until we moved in the mid-sixties. It is truly a beautiful church, small but so beautiful. When I visit back there once in a great while I can feel the love and the hard work put into building it. You know I can, somehow, feel a piece of my grandfather’s presence there.

My Father's Mother

This is my grandmother on my dad's side.

Source: Debra Allen

Clashes between In-Laws

Mom and dad got married right out of high school. Dad’s first job was working at a local Sunoco gas station. I don’t think that he made much money there. Mom told me that they lived in the basement on one side of the house where my father’s mother lived. In another chapter I mention that his mom and my mom didn’t really get along all that much. As I hear the emotions behind the words of my mother when she told me these things it seems that my father’s mother was kind of strict. That would be the degree of separation between my mother’s “Free Spirit” and my dad’s mother’s stricter household rules she had to follow.

Here I Am - oops

Then I was born. I am going out on a limb here, but I am thinking that I was not expected. I think, if I could right, that I was conceived about 3 months after they got married. Dad didn’t have much money and they were living with his mom in an apartment within my dad’s parent’s house. I am not completely sure if this is all correct in the timing of these events or not, but it would explain a lot of things about my own life and that of my sister’s too. Mom was/is a jealous person and very controlling. It would seem that she loved my dad so much and she just wanted to get out of her sister’s house that she married him. When I came along it must have been a shock as she would not be the only one that would need attention, especially from my dad. I was going to be terminal, as in terminated. It only makes sense that she would treat me this way that I have been brought up with. She is jealous of me. I was a “daddy’s girl”. He loved me so much and I think that green eyed monster, deep within my mom’s psyche, just would not go away. My mom craved for some real love, the kind that did not involve hurting back.

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In Retrospect

Looking back at all this I remember writing a letter to her, because I cannot talk to her right out or I will get berated and verbally abused, telling her that I understand all that she went through and that she should forgive her sister. Well that went over like a lead balloon. I got berated and verbally abused and my father sat there and said and did nothing. Just now, thinking about what I just said, it appears that maybe, just maybe, he was being verbally abused too and he just let her go like that. Sad, so sad, and so painful to go through it and not know what is going on. Looking back 20/20 and doing this writing about it makes things come out and then it is making some sense too. This is very healing, as others have told me on the other chapters in my comment. I am beginning to feel liberated from the dark feelings and to really get a handle on the things that I was forced to accept that now I know that it was not about ME. I was always feeling like the scapegoat in everything and that it was always my fault. Now it is becoming clearer that I was just the one that she could lash out at and it is all about HER. I did not cause my father’s first heart attack or anything else that she may have accused me of all my growing up years.

Unconditional Love?

My life might have been unsuccessfully terminated. I can rightly and believe that with all my being because she told me something about my sister too. She told me that she did try to abort my sister when she got pregnant. She told me that she would sit in a bath with the hottest water that she could stand so that her body would abort my sister. This is what brought about me to thinking that I was also an unsuccessful abortion. She had to deal with me and then she had to deal with my sister. Oh there was love, but it wasn’t the kind that you have for yourself. She had to give love to someone else and not get it all for herself.

A Long Duration of a Terminal Life

The saving grace of all this is……I am still here. My life was not terminated from the start, but I still have a terminal life that is long and still more to go. I am writing my story. My sister is still here and living her life. We are survivors from the early age before birth. Neither of us have substance abuse issues. It is said that it runs in families but my sister and I overcame that and neither of us have ever gone that far.

I once was asked why I smile after going through what he called “hell on earth”. I simply told him that I will not put my pain and troubles onto another person. It isn’t fair to them or to me.

Who asked me that and why is yet another chapter.

© Debra K. Allen a.k.a Lady Guinevere

I researched and wrote this article. Please do not copy and paste any part of this article, picture included for your own use. I will find you and report you for stealing.  It is my right to change any information therein at any time and/or change the location of my article. 

I Am The Other Other Woman

I mentioned to you about that I was also having an affair.  This affair did have a small bit of sex in it but for the most part it was all talk and no action.  Looking back on it now I can laugh because as later in life it had become hysterical.  It seems to remind me so much of the book that I read a long time ago, “Job: A Comedy of Justice”  Loki seems to be having fun with the guy in this book and it seems to me that someone of a higher power is having fun with me in some parts of my life.  At the time it was really strange how things were playing out.

We lived in the house in Spotsylvania County in Thornburg.  Enough said about that.  We needed to have someone dig out the line from the well to the house to lay the pipe for our water.  Well, my husband knew someone at work who knew someone who could do this work.  He sometimes got a ride with her and her mother.  They lived about a mile further down our road.  So the guy comes to the house and starts digging the trench.  I be nice and take him out a glass of water.  What I have learned in this life is that if you are nice you will get punishment coming back to you.  I do not know what it is about being nice that most time will come back to bite me in the arse later.  Anyway, as time progresses this guy was falling in love with me.  I did, several times tell him to leave me alone and that I was married.  I even called him Satan right to his face, but things got out of hand and we began seeing each other.  Like I said it was really strange how this was all convoluting.  I desperately needed someone to talk too and he was someone to listen to me.  He told me that he would help me study in my subjects that I had problems with.  I was trying to go to college to become a nurse and was having problems in Algebra, History, Accounting and Government.  Helping me in these subjects didn’t really happen because we would end up talking about my situation and my husband and all that.   I could not keep up with the classes, be a wife and mother and run the “farmette” that we had.  It was all just too much and so I flunked. This was also about the time that we got robbed.  I also had some minor surgery at this time and the stitches got infected.  That was very uncomfortable.  I had a tubal ligation because……well I will explain that in another chapter that goes along with my rape that I experienced.

We ended up moving to Florida and I he called me and we talked several times then.  I was even saving up to go visit him.  That was when it got really strange and I should have broke it off then, but…….  I did go on a trip on a train to go and visit him for a weekend.  It was a 16 hour trip, one way.  I did not see him and he called once to tell me that he had to work.

So I got back to Florida.  He didn’t call me for a while and then my husband and I divorced and we moved up to a place in Virginia.  He then started calling me again and we talked about things and he asked me to marry him and that I could get my wedding gown ready.  I did not get a wedding gown and glad that I didn’t.  He had told me a while before that he was married and they got a divorce.  I didn’t think anything of it.

Fast forward…..I am living with my ex for a short time, my friend calls and I am to go visit him in Philadelphia.  I thought that was so cool and I pack a suitcase with my stuff in it.  I was going to be spending the night.  I was told not to go outside the apartment because they were not supposed to have visitors.  We did see each other then and when he left for work I wrote him a love letter and left it on the coffee table and left for home.

I got home and there was a message on the answering machine from some woman telling me to go back to the apartment my friend was living in.  She said that she had something very important to tell me.  It was the longest 3 hours or maybe it was 4 hour drive I have ever taken.  I was wondering who this other woman was and why she called and how she got my number and what she wanted to tell me.  All kinds of things ran through my head while driving up there.  I didn’t want to make any assumptions and so I parked the car and walked up to the door.

I opened the door and walk up some stairs an there was this “other” woman sitting there on the couch.  She got up and shook my hand and told me her name.  Then she told me how long she had been seeing him and she showed me his wife’s shoes in the closet.  We both decided to confront him when he came home from work.

We both chat until he gets home and when he does….The look on his face when he comes up the stairs and sees us both there is priceless.  He had a stone face.  He thought that we would not do this to him.  Oh but he was wrong, very wrong.  Although in the movie, The Other Women, they play with the guys affections and have a blast doing so.  The two of us decided to move on. I talked to my friend and barraged him with all kinds of questions, none of which he could give a clear answer too.

Thinking back on this, I can also remember this guy’s mother hitting on my husband.  It just seemed strange that she had a husband and that she would ask my husband to come and fix her car for her.  It just did not make sense.  Like I said this was the weirdest experience I have been in and do not know what it was all about to this day.  I really think someone is playing games with me, just like in the book “Job: A Comedy of Justice”.

I think it really funny too that the movie “The Other Women”, with Cameron Diaz in it was made a while after my “Other Woman” experience.  I never thought that I would be the Other woman and also have another Other woman in a relationship like that.  Video:  http://youtu.be/-5j59SGiz3U

I was truly The Other Woman in some sort of invisible triangle.

The funny or weird thing about all of this is when I met my husband he finally called me back.  You see I could never call him because I could not get his phone number from him.  Oh the red flags with this one that I did not see or they were nicely tucked out of my sight.    Anyway when he called I told him that I was breaking up with him for good.  Oh I was kind of after that fateful visit to his apartment and meeting another The Other Woman.  I cried and I do not know why I cried.  I guess I was stooopid to the max with this one.  Anyway what he said to me was that he respected me.  Now how it the h*** is that respect to have two other women and a wife.

You can laugh because I do now think this is really hilarious that I went through this.  I just wished that I knew he had a real wife and another Other Women before.  Oh I do not think it would have saved my marriage because he was caught in his affair way before this one of mine.  If I didn’t have a friend, HA friend, like him to confide it I think I would have just died.  He was there for moral support if anything at all.  I was experiencing moderate depression then and was on medication.  He did make me tell my husband about my rape.  Something was very wrong with that too.  He blackmailed me to tell my husband that I was raped and by whom. That was when I also told me husband that I was having an affair.  My husband said nothing and rolled over and went to sleep.

Hopefully, I will never have to play the part of the Other Woman again.  I will tell you about my rape experiences in another chapter, because that one was bizarre too…according to my ex.  That was the start of the divorce process in my mind then and that was before we moved to Florida.  To the point of just about two years ago, it did not seem to be that my life was under my control.

Video, I’m in love with the other woman:  http://youtu.be/wcQgSwKL9lY

© Debra K. Allen a.k.a Lady Guinevere

I researched and wrote this article. Please do not copy and paste any part of this article, picture included for your own use. I will find you and report you for stealing.  It is my right to change any information therein at any time and/or change the location of my article. 

Florida Fun In The Sun

When we moved to Florida my husband’s company that moved us decided that he did not have a job with them any longer.  Neither of us understood that because they paid for the moving van and all that.  Anyway, after my husband made several trips from Virginia to Florida and back again for some stuff that the movers didn’t get we had a house full of boxes.  While he was away for the 16 hour trip one way, I would unpack boxes so that when he brought more into the house he would have room for it.  The girls stayed with me and we all helped each other.

We were in for a shock and I mean an environmental shock along with a traditional shock as well. We made a visit to Florida a couple of years before for my husband’s grandfather’s funeral.  Both of us looked around and went out into the environment and soon we decided that it was a nice place to visit but we didn’t want to live there.  So here we were, moved in and all unpacked and *living* there.

It was our first year this far away from our parents.  It was the first year that we would spend Christmas in Florida with no one else but us because we didn’t know anybody there. 

Our first shock was Christmas morning and it was already in the upper 80’s.  It was the first time that we had to put and live in total air conditioning.  There was no snow on the ground and that was another thing we had to get used too.  We finally got over that and the girls would be picked up by gamily and got to spend some summertime with them.

It was my time to have fun and that I did.  I did not have my mom tell me what I should and could do and what I couldn’t or shouldn’t do.  I was FREE and I loved it.  The girls and I had loads of fun.  I would take them places and we would go to the beach.  I had a friend who got a job at Disney World and he got them some free passes.  My husband worked at Universal Studios and we got free passes to that too.  After about 5 visits to those parks we got tired of it and didn’t really go all that much.  That happened with the beach too.  They had a blast doing something else during the summertime.

In Florida, and I sure wish they had that everywhere, they have a summer program for kids.  Every day they would pick the kids up on a bus and do things in different places.  They didn’t have to go like most summer programs that I have seen.  If you didn’t want to go that day, you didn’t.  Some days the girls just wanted to stay home and sleep or watch TV and so they did.  They only paid for when they rode the bus.  The bus stop was about 3 blocks down the road, which wasn’t that far and you could see the girls get on the bus as the land it totally flat where we lived.  They also did something else that was loads of fun for the girls and I both and their friends.  They had a girls softball league.  I put my girls in that league.  Their friends were in it and lots of others too.  Oh it was so fun to watch the girls get better and better and I cheered every single one of them on.  It was so fun!  My oldest daughter is 36 now and I just remembered to give her the first aluminum bat that she used when playing in that league.  She was surprised and her eyes lit up when she saw it.  She was expecting the other bat that they used, but I didn’t have that one.  She was thrilled with it.  I am sure that she will be passing that bat along to her sons when they get old enough to play baseball.

I started a BBS there too and learned much about computers.  A BBS is a Bulletin Board System.  We did not have Windows then.  We had DOS operating systems.  I learned how to draw pictures of a castle with Ascii and that was fun.  I wish that I had kept it. The name of my BBS was King Arthur’s Castle and I was Lady Guinevere the System Operator.  I still go by the name Lady Guinevere.  We only had two phone lines and one was for the house and one was for the computer.  I would spend a lot of time on that chatting with people.  There were games on the BBS too.  Each game was accessed through what was called a door.  Each door was like an application that we have today.  You could put in your BBS many doors and they would all take certain codes and programs that were already made for your type of BBS.  There were many types of BBS software back then.  I ran my BBS on the WWIV software.  There were other ones such as Searchlight, Wild Cat, RBBS, PCBoard and many others.  In a few years they had what was called as Nodes with another program that many could become partners in.  That was the precursor to MSN and Facebook Groups like there is today.  There was one kid that used to call me up and we would hog the line for hours.  I had a few that knew my phone number and would call me up and tell me to get off the phone and computer so that they could call in and play a game.  Oh the games!  They were fun. They were interactive and many had multiple players.  TradeWars.  That was a game about space ships and trade centers and gaining all kinds of goods to build an empire in space and the universe.  Then there was Global War, which you battled against other countries for goods and others could blow you away.  It was more for a low number of players than the TradeWars.  The more players that you had playing in TradeWars the better the game. Oh and we cannot forget the many Role Playing Games and Dungeons and Dragons that were available to play too. You think the kids play on the computer too much now.  Are you kidding!!!?  Ahh too bad that time didn’t last too long.  Within ten years it all changed drastically.  I do miss those times.  I used to have a party in the middle of the summer for those who visited my BBS and were members.  It was a lot of fun.

© Debra K. Allen a.k.a Lady Guinevere

I researched and wrote this article. Please do not copy and paste any part of this article, picture included for your own use. I will find you and report you for stealing.  It is my right to change any information therein at any time and/or change the location of my article. 

Holding It All In Do Not Do This To Yourself

I never have told anyone about this and I was going to write about it many times.  I just never did.  After I had my first daughter, my body could not take any more stress.  I had to do as my mother-in-law asked me to do.  My mother was at me all the time to not say anything and be nice because I was lucky to have a place to live.  I was cleaning house for them…all five of them plus a live-in and my husband’s parents.  It was a full house to say the least.  Well it turned out to end up that I was to be maid 24 hours of the day and not just while the kids were in school and the others at work.  I was being quiet and taking it all in…..but then something happened.

My body shut down one night.  I had diarrhea and was trying to throw up at the same time.  After doing that for about a half hour I collapsed and I did not have any energy to even get up off the small bathroom floor. It had a shower stall a toilet and a small sink and to get to the shower you had to close the bathroom door first.  I could barely call out for help.  My husband or my mother-in-law found me on the floor.  I don’t remember who it was.  I know that my husband picked me up and took me to the Emergency Room.  I was like a wet noodle in his arms. 

When we got to the Emergency Room they told me that I had Ulcerative Colitis and they sent me home with some banana tasting stuff.  It was good going down but had a very bitter aftertaste.  I think the name was Paragoric or something like that.  This was the first time in the Emergency Room that I would end up in with this condition.

One day I did speak up and I did get mad and I left.  I walked to my parent’s house which was about a two hour walk.  The ONLY regret that I have with that is that I left my baby there and did not take her with me.  She finally was sleeping soundly and I did not want to wake her up.  I was going to come back and get her later too.  The live-in was telling me that I was making a big mistake.  *I* was making a mistake.  Oh hun, he was sleeping with the mother-in-law and I caught them in bed together.  I never said anything about know that until just now….and I was making the big mistake!!!

He told me that I would have to come get the baby and make up with my husband.  It was not my husband who I would be making up too.  I told him (who the heck did he think he was…not my in-law) that my husband would have to come and get me if he still wanted to be married.  He did come and get me and them we ended up living with my parents.  Not the greatest move either as my mom and I did not get along then either.  I was not a maid there and that helped lots.  I had bouts of the Ulcerative Colitis while there but I could hide the pain and the other symptoms fairly well.

We finally found the Low-Income apartments and was doing OK there, but I had another couple of bouts in the Emergency Room with the Ulcerative Colitis.  One time we were visiting my parents and I had the symptoms but this time I could not hide them and it alarmed my mother.  She kept asking me if I was OK and if she could do anything.  She was scared….and so was I. I knew what it was that was happening to me and it was all due to the stress that I was being put under to be quiet and not rock the boat.  I did not want my mom to see this at all….but she did.  A few days later I went back into the hospital.  When you have this condition you spend lots of time in the hospital.  Each time it is about a week.  I send 9 times in the hospital for this until I found out what would put in it remission once and for all.  I found that out by having another condition that I will tell you about in another chapter.

Let me tell you the pain that goes along with this disease.  Each person has different symptoms or reactions with this and this is only my reaction or symptoms.  Mind you I was in my early 20’s when this all started and it is a lifetime condition.  It can hit you at any time in your life, until you find a way to manage your stress.

These are the list of what happens to me when I am having an episode:

·        I get the sweats.  I mean I start sweating profusely for about 10 minutes.  It isn’t like the flu when you get these sweats, but you will notice them.

·        My intestines begin to feel like a hard steal pipe inside my belly.  It hurts just as if someone did shove a pipe inside of you.

·        You have a hard time breathing because you are holding your breath so that any movement does not bring any more pain.

·        You actually feel flushed.  I mean you feel all your blood in your upper body flow right out of you.  At this point in the process you cannot talk because you are in so much pain. This lasts for like a few minutes but feel more like an hour.

·        When that pin goes away you dart to the nearest bathroom and your body empties the intestines and your stomach. You then become weaker than a kitten. 

At this point in time someone has to pick you up because you cannot stand up by yourself, no matter how strong or embarrassed you think you are your body will shut itself down.  It will not ask for your permission first.  You will not have any control over it.

I do not recall which time this one was because I had another one after we took my youngest daughter to college.  It was her first time and we were moving her into her dorm room.  On the way home I wretched and had the dry heaves.  They had me on some Mescaline pills, but they were making me worse instead of better.  That was the last time that I took them and had a bout of Ulcerative Colitis and that was in the year 1997.

These diseases and conditions run in my family and I did not find that out until my father told me many years ago.  He and his sister had Diverticulosis and I got the Ulcerative Colitis.  All of the intestinal diseases runs in his family.  So it is hereditary, but can be managed, once you learn how and you learn to hear and listen to your own body.  Many people think it is about food, but I can tell you that it is not…it is about stress and how we deal with it and manage it for ourselves. 

After the bout that I had in my parent’s home and I was in the hospital for that one my doctor had a nice little chat with me.  He told me not to hold it all in and he told me to speak out. 

So I started to do so and it made my mother very angry with me.  We had fights after that.  I mean she tried to hit me once and I deflected her hand and broke her pinky finger.  Then my father told me to apologize to her and I told him that I would not. 

When we finally got out of her house and we lived on our own I never had another Ulcerative Colitis attack.  I did have to go back to get those nasty Colonoscopies and they did find that I have a total of 9 ulcers that run through my large intestines right into my rectum.  This is why I cannot drink alcohol in any shape or form including Nyquill.  Once that hits the ulcer, my stomach bloats up so big that I think my stomach will split.  Then the burning pain hits. 

After each Colonoscopy I would end up back in the hospital.  I would rather die not knowing then have another one of those that will send me back to the hospital for a week stay.  Until you go through all this you cannot judge someone who would rather die than go through that kind of thing again.  I ask you to please do not judge me on this.

A foot note here:  Someone that is reading these chapters did not see the reference about my dad taking my secrets to his grave.  Well I confided in him for years until my mother decided that was why he had his first heart attack.  The very first chapter in this series with the letter that was sent to my dad in his e-mail was 6 months before he died and I do not think that he showed that to my mother.  So everything that has happened to me was taken with him.  I never talk to my sister and both her and my mom think that I do not know anything and I am their punching bag and their scapegoat and someone they can bully.  These things they do not know and only my father knows… if not in life then he certainly knows in his death as he watches over me.

© Debra K. Allen a.k.a Lady Guinevere

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