This may sound like rambling because I might have told this before in one of my other chapters, which not many read in the first place but.....
Something has happened in my life about a month or so ago and it really made me mad. Oh I started writing about it immediately, but then stopped until I calmed down enough.
How many times must one go through rejection until they get mad enough or hurt enough to get out of the room?
I will tell you. It will be about 1,000 times when you think that you should be loyal to the person. Never give up is what I have heard from others. I also hear a lot of people who say that family is always first and that we should always rely on family. It doesn't always work out that way for many of us, though we have tried and the more that we try the worse things seem to get.
My dream of a family life is much different that what the reality of it is. I have grappled with that for a few years now since my dad passed away two years ago. I always thought that family should stick together when hard times come around. I always thought that petty difference and disagreements would soften over time and there be love shown. That is not true. It isn't like that at all in my family.
I see many posting on Face Book about how they love each other and their siblings and family and oh how I wish that were true of my family. At the middle of my life I feel in the middle and yet I don't wish to be in the middle like this. I fear that it is because of the Internet, but then again much of what I have gone through has no direct link to the Internet as it has been happening way before that ever came around. I have been accused of saying some really bad stuff....so they think. They think that I am a very nasty person and I say some really bad stuff about other family members. Some distant family members can and do look in and are on my side. I won't tell who they are because they will get pounced on and I don't want that.
This is an example that just happened a few weeks ago and how much rejection that I have taken in.
I am not supposed to mention my mom at all even just the words My Mom....anywhere on Face Book. I don't talk about her on Facebook. I have this book right here that I am writing in and that is the only place that I talk about my relationships. She is also mentioned in the family genealogy and her picture is there also. She doesn't want her picture up or even mentioned in that either. That is one thing that I will not give her the pleasure of. For one, she doesn't get on the computer and for another it isn't about her. It is about history and family and where we all came from and does involve many others finding a common root or ground. I simply will not do that to others who are trying to do that.
I even changed the name of this blog/diary/ Life Story (which I am not supposed to do either) because I was told not to put my name on anything on Facebook. A friend mentioned to me that I was an adult and I shouldn't of had to do that. They were right but I changed it anyway. Most children grow up wanting to please or get approval from their parents, and I so do, but I don't please my mom at anytime. So changing the name was an attempt to please her, but it didn't. Go figure. She thinks that the whole Internet is bad and it is only Face Book. There are lots of other social media than just Face Book.
This is what really got me mad and hurt. A family member posted on my timeline that my mom went into the hospital with congestive heart failure and that I should know and that she thought that she would get into trouble over that. I didn't see that message, but another family member on my husband's side did and asked me how my mom was doing. She found the message and read it to me. I did call the other family member who posted that and asked about it. I talked with both of them and one doesn't want to get involved but knew my concerns. Mind you this was days after she had written on my wall. Good Ole FB for ya!
I am not supposed to talk about my mom to or with anyone. My mom was in the hospital with Congestive Heart Failure. This was not the first time that I learned that she was in the hospital for something health related. She broke her shoulder in a car accident and I didn't find this out until months after the fact. She doesn't want me to be a part of her life and has accused me of doing things and saying things on Facebook that I did not. That was a couple of years ago. You know when you get told and blamed for something that you didn't do for so long and so many times it will eventually come out. So this is it..... There was a nurse that recognized my mom at a hospital, that my mom tells me that she didn't know where she was. Mom blamed me for this nurse remembering her and has accused me of posting her information on Face Book. I don't even know who that nurse was or where she was or even that mom was at the hospital because I was never told. How can I post something that I never knew about, never was there, and don't know the person's name? A few months go by and mom tells me that she knew the nurse from another doctor's office that she visited. NOT A SINGLE WORD OF SORRY THAT I BLAMED YOU. Not a single apology.
After getting off the phone with them I did write to my daughter, a private inbox message, whom told me that she didn't want to get involved with any of that. (I told her that I didn't think that my husband's sister was getting involved in it like she did. What a surprise for her getting into a bees nest like that. I feel sorry for her that all this happened and that she had no idea that she would ever get into all that. It wasn't her fault, but she cares, which is a lot more than my two daughters and my mother does.) I told her that I wasn't asking her to get into the middle of anything. I just wanted to know how my mother was doing. My youngest daughter, I found out, was the one who took her to the hospital. Oh WOW! Both of them knew and neither of them wanted to tell me about my mother. When my mother calls me back after I left a message on her answering machine I get a lecture, nothing like I am OK or anything of that sort. She spoke very rough about my family member that wrote that she was in the hostpital, on my wall, and blames her for a lot of things that she does not do either. I manage to speak up for my other family member and told my mom that she only sahres recipes on Face Book. My mom had no words for that.
My youngest hasn't said a word and has blocked me out of her life for years now. Reject Number Two. Let me explain something about that here and yes people will read it but I am tired of being the scapegoat and the one that is assumed that lies out the ying-yang
I was concerned with my daughter and got into a heated argument over it. I know that she will not like this known but this is MY life and MY pain and MY healing. She can continue to lie about me and spread those lies. It has taken me a while to learn to "let go." Anyway back to how this all came to be....and believe me (HA! does anyone believe me?) it is the truth.
I was just telling her to be careful with the guests that she chooses to live in her house. I also mentioned to her that I was concerned with one of them that was out to take everything from her. She told me that now I think she is a slut. That is NOT what I said or thought. She and her sister left the conversation right after that. I got a really nasty letter from that guy that was setting up house with her and the first sentence was the he didn't want to come between my daughter and I. Well he did and he made it a mess and my daughter's and I don't converse much after that. Mind you that was all said in their Private Inbox. The thing that I said, after they left the conversation, and they must not have read it, was, "Why would you think that I would think that of you." So I posted that on her house guest's page and nowhere else. Oh he twisted that all up and down and around the room.....becasue he wanted to get in between my daughter and I. I also told her that I don't think of her that way and never will. Now my mother and my other daughter both think that I think that she was sleeping with all those guys that she has allowed to live with her only after knowing them for 3 months. I don't think that, but you betcha my mom and my two daughter's do. I am more worried about her being killed by any one of those guys. There is way to many reports of this type of thng. I am trying to teach them honesty, but that backfired in a way that I never thought would happen. Funny that....I got friend requests from friends on his page that knew exactly what I was saying and didn't twist it around to what they wanted to hear, as my daughter's and my mother did. I didn't respond to those requests.
WHY am I not listened too? Why am I the scapegoat of the family? Why do people think that I am the Liar?
Mom has always tried to blame things on me.....always. She doesn't want me to talk to or to talk about her in any way shape or form. Not even good stuff, which I rarely get anyway. I was told not to tell anyone that they had given this house to my husband and I. Anything that I have ever gotten from her has strings attached and I stopped that after we got this house. She went into a temper tantrum and brought my youngest daughter into it too when she kept asking my husband if we were going to sell this house. For God's sake we were being evicted out of our apartment by the landlord increasing the rent. She threatened to take me out of her will. I wonder what it is and if that is what it is that she is so scared of what will come out that I might tell? Well it did come out.
A few years ago she....and I am not sure of the whole story because I was only being told by her.....that I must have put something on Facebook about her seeing a doctor or in the hospital or something like that. She couldn't figure out how a nurse knew about it all and she blamed me for that. A few months after that she told me how the nurse knew her and it wasn't anything to do with the Internet or computer. I NEVER got an apology for that and I think that she still thinks that I did that. I have told her many times that I never did that and the nurse told her how she knew her, but yet I still get the don't put or mention me on the Facebook. I go silent when she says that because there is no use in telling her again and again and again and it makes me mad as a hornet every time she accuses me of something that I didn't and don't do.
Some people that I know and have read these chapters about my life have mentioned that she has a metal illness. Well another firend of mine has written about that illness and I never believed it until just recetly. Please the the time to visit her article too at How To Cope With Being Blamed For Something You Didn't Do
After my last "talk", more like I was still a 12 year old, and being told who I can talk to...........
Wait. It isn't only about her that I am not supposed to post on Face Book. That would make sense to some people, but I am not to tell anyone about my life either, things like; what I had for dinner and when I am going off-line and even good morning. In other words she doesn't want me on the computer or to share anything with anyone, anywhere.
I have to find my own way out of all this insanity and so have decided that, since I am not to exist to her or anyone else, that I will not call her anymore and I will not take any of her phone calls (if she ever calls me again). I won't send her a Christmas card or even a birthday card. Sometimes you just have to give them what they want.....and I am giving her just what she wants. That sad thing about all this is, as I told my other family membe, she will die in that house and nobody will know about it.
God, I miss my dad! This all got much worse since he passed away. I knew that it would and was hoping that my mom would be the first to leave.....seriously.
Thank goodness for family....riiight! Some are nice and will keep me informed and I am grateful for that. I am so grateful for friends who do get involved and have helped me through this.
