Let me take you back to when my first husband and I wee living in Virginia. So one day he was supposed to be on his way home from work. It took him 1 1/2 hours to get from his work to home and the road that he had to take was always crowded. It was two hours from the time that he left his work and he was still not home. First thought that comes to mind was he was in an accident and I get worried. I get a call from my family and they tell me that they were seeing my husband eating dinner at a restaurant they go to after work too, with a woman and they gave me her name. About a few months later, and my husband didn't know that I knew the "date" that my family had told me about, we go grocery shopping. He goes to another part of the store and I am in the checkout line. He comes up behind me and introduces this other woman. I did not know what to do and I didn't want to cause a scene so I just turned around in the line and started putting the groceries on the checkout to pay for them. He didn't think that I knew about her. To this day I don't think that he knows that I know about her.
We move to Florida and he gets a job that sends him to another state and he gets to come home once a weekend per month. Several times he tells me to call him, but when I do he never answers the phone. He then buys me some things that are odd. We fight all the time and the girls tell us that we should divorce. Well it is my husband that asks me for a divorce and of course I say yes and then I tell him that he will be the one to tell the girls. Of course they are upset and confused.
The judge that we went and took our papers to had 3 days to sign the divorce in case one of us reniged. I wanted to stop the divorce because I could not live without my girls. The judge signed the divorce papers the first day.
I had a job through a temp agency and thought this would be great to stay in the state we were living in. I got sick one day and called in to tell them that I could not come in that day and then I went back to bed. Next day I found out that I was fired because I did not call in. That blew my mind! Come to find out the person that was supposed to get the recordings that day did not. I don't know why. I also found out that there were 6 others that got fired for the same reason. All the manager could do or would do was give us all an excellent recommendation. I didn't have any place to live when the divorce went through. I did not want to lose my children and there was not stipulation that he could not move out of the state and take the girls with him. I ended up moving with them to another state. I did find a job and was happy with that and trying to save to find my own place. Well I had a fall and ended up 3 moths later in the hospital with a very scary, life threatening blood clot. I was told that I made it all up, bt my ex-husband. I found another job which was much better but I ended up having another blood clot of which my ex thought that I was making that up too. My girls wanted to go back to the previous state that we lived in to visit friends and I asked my doctor if I could take such a trip and he said that I could and so we went there. It was a 16 hour road trip one way. I ended up in the hospital again with the same Blood clot and had to stay for 9 days. Oh that was so bad, because their friends had to go back to school and their lives were to continue and I was stuck in the hospital. This was not good. My ex told my oldest daughter to take my car and drive it to where he lived and just leave me there all by myself. My parents came and got me and took me back to his place, where I was staying in his basement.
This is absolutely the worst part of it all. When I got back and sat down in his living room before I went to the basement to my bed, he told me that I had two weeks to move out. He always pushed my buttons and this time I did not allow him to do that. Meanwhile what was going on in my head was that 1. I didn't know anybody well enough to find a new place. 2. I wasn't making that much money to save for me to move out yet. 3. I had to beg my parents to live with them and my mother and I do not get along for more than 5 minutes and that is no lie. 4. I was going to have to be without my daughters.
My parents had their vacation home, a small cabin, in the woods, in the mountains, up for sale and there was a buyer on it. My parents reniged on their deal and took the cabin off the market so that I had someplace to live. I was at my last day and my parents were going to meet me and give me the keys t the place and so...I had to move out that day while my daughters were in school. I did not have a choice. I did not leave them although I am positive that they think so and that their father has made up a lie about it. I could tell by the way they acted and spoke when I was with them.
I ended up having a near death experience because I just could not take the way things were going and the loss of my daughters.
Many years later my oldest daughter gets married and wow what a whirlwind experience that was at her wedding. It was not a good feeling at all.
Years later, I have two grandchildren. Very wonderful but I do not feel comfortable around my daughter/ My youngest daughter told me to leave her alone because she is busy with her own children. She doesn't talk to me anymore either. I don't know the real reason because I am told to ask her and that nobody wants to be put in the middle of it. I can't talk to her is she doesn't answer her phone when my number comes up and I don't get any cards at Mother's Day and she blocked me from her facebook. Ummmmm, so I really do not know what I did or that I can apologize for. That has been about 5 years now.
I bought my grandchildren some Christmas gifts, that unbeknownst to me, they already had. I felt put off. So the next year I just get them small things. A few years later we are taken on a train trip for Christmas for the grand kids and I loved that idea. On the way their we thought th she was buying us dinner before the trip because she mentioned that the kids had special diets but they ere going someplace that had what they could eat. We got on the train and she had stuff for just them. We didn't eat most of that day. They only thing with that was that my gifts, that I could afford at the time, were not really accepted because I got one a bag the the gifts were in and the other one got the deck of cards that they are supposed to play together.I could not afford anything else!! We were in such financial mess that we were going to the food pantry for our own food for 9 months. I don't think that she realized this or even wanted to know about it.
Both my daughter will visit my parent but only two times did my youngest visit us and my oldest I nearly had to beg them to come visit. How do you think we felt about all that?
Next thing I knew she was moving but she told some that were on her facebook page but not me and someone else asked about it too. I asked 3 times before I got an answer. I tell you I do not feel wanted or needed or even thought of...in a good way/ I can just feel it.
I had a dream the other night where my oldest and I were in the same room and I was talking to her face to face abut things that went on, in this post that I am writing. It was if it was real. She asked questions and I answered them. When she was 7 years old and a year or so younger we would pass thoughts with objects back and forth to each other. I don't know if this was a higher version of this with this dream.
I did not leave you. You are my life. I LOVE you both. I will always love you both.
