My Awakening was just beginning. Rock my world wasn't even close. It sure rocked my boat though and some crawled in and some fell out. Looking back I know that my awakening could only come that way. It was a way that would really get my attention and it certainly did. It put me on a journey that would take years to understand and get the answers that I sought so hard for. This chapter, for this very reason, is difficult for me to write about. This is one time that I will have to actually use my knowledge and skill of looking into the window of my life and not be in the midst of it. I didn't learn about this skill until much later in my life. Back to the story...
Before leaving the last chapter I said that we had to move on with our lives. Well that was kind of difficult.
Our house that we lived in was a very nice house and it was rent to own, but something very drastic happened to cause our hasty exit into our new life in another state!
I picked up the girls up from the babysitter one very, cold, winter day. I proceeded to get them out of their car seats and started walking up the front walk way to the front door. When I got to the front door something didn't look right and I just couldn't understand what it could have been. There was steam coming from the ground on the front stoop. I kept looking around and just couldn't understand what that could have been.
Oh My God!!
When I unlocked the door and peaked into the front door it was like entering another world and I was in total shock. I must have stood there for 10 minutes before I could speak or move. The first thing that I saw as I opened the door was sheetrock hanging from the ceiling in the dinning room. It was just about to fall, onto our dining room table. There was at least an inch of water on the floor and it looked much like a waterfall coming from that hanging sheetrock. There was steam coming from the floor and the thought came on finally that we had a heat pump that heated the floor. That was where the steam was coming from! Everything was wet,,,everything. Everything in that room was trashed. I called my mom and told her what was going on and she told us to come over to their house until we could sort through all this, In the meantime my husband had yet to find out about all this. He was still at work and I had the only car we had. I hadn't picked him up yet. Our lease became null and void because they condemned the house. In the midst of things we has already bought an acre of land from a farmer who was subdividing his land. He did this because he had no heirs that would take it and he was up in his years. They were very nice people. We were already looking to invest in building a tri-story house there anyway--only we thought that we would take our time. That wasn't meant to be--apparently! We decided to get a Miles Home. That is a company which sends you the house plans and the material so that you or a contractor can build it. So went and setup a tent down there and lived in it during the weekends while we were building our house and getting things done. Ha! Even that got stolen three weeks after moving down there. You see there was a large campground across the street from the farmer's house on the main road, not the one we lived on. We told the police about it but they said that they couldn't do anything about it because the campground was private property. Talk about being mad!!
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The house we were building in 1981-82
Putting the roog on teh lower part of the Tri-level house.
The back of the house
Putting on the roofing and siding n the front. Ys that is me in the picture in 1982.
Moving right along. Much more work to be done befoe it passes comeplete inspection. This is the last picture that I can find right now. When it was done the house was painted yellow and we had brick red shutters.
First thing we learned ---everything is not like they said it would be. All the studs were supposed to be pre-measured and pre-cut and pre-marked to code specification. Nope, not a one was done that way and we had to do them ourselves. So we learned about how to do that and a lot more of the construction of a house!.
Some of the things with building your own home are funny and some aren't. It depends on where your head and mind are at and the time you are doing these things. Hey after what we were going through we had to laugh or we would just dry our eyes out in the process. My husband had put the front wall together and he nailed it to the flooring really good--or so we thought. It really looked impressive and doing this ourselves with no help we were kind of proud of ourselves. So he walked on the other side of that wall, Not more than a minute passed after we took a look at the wall we put up and the wall started falling....towards my husband!. I mean it was like watching a program in slow motion. Luckily it didn't hit my husband. He just so happened to be in the center of one of the two wall studs. We both looked at each other in amazement. It was just totally amazing! Then we got some help from his bother and his friends and soon the house was built. We weren't supposed to be living in it as we built it according to the inspectors, but we didn't have much choice in the matter. We had two kids now and neither one of our parent's had the room to house us. So everytime the inspector or anybody's car came up the driveway we would all hide in the basement or under the windows so they wouldn't know we were there..
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The basement was another story--it wasn't poured correctly. The inspector failed our whole house because the center wall in the basement, which held up the floor where the bedrooms and bathroom was, was not level..It was lower in the middle then the outside. All the studs were the same sizes, so the only thing it could be was the cement basement wasn't level. Besides this they poured some concrete into the drainage pipe and we had a flood in there when my washer overflowed one day. We took pictures of the bowing joists and the floor and how it was poured and we went to court,. We knew that the judge was paid off in some way because when it was our time to see the judge he wouldn't even look at the pictures or the inspector's report or anything. It was for the contractor that did the basement and we owed him $3,000.00 for a job that didn't even meet code!. We had to purchase all new wood and cut and replace each stud one at a time ourselves. That was a Whisper from OZ in that I would need this tool at a later time in my life.
Anyway I remember having a well and had to hook it up by a pump to the house. We were having a rough time of it then too when we had to drill much further down forwater and then we had a tough time getting the pump to syphon the water to the house. Before that was all fixed up I had to go out to that well and lowered small pails to get water for everyday use..I liked the simpleness of life way back when but wasn't really prepared to live it. We used to take bathes standing up in one of those big, round, metal, tubs that you see on farms and such. Even on cold nights. and we didn't have heat as in throughout the house. We used a Keroscene heater for all the heat and to cook on for a few months. For baths it took a while as we heated the water in a pot on the Kerosene heater. We would get the kids their baths by soaping them up and rinsing them off by pouring water over their heads. We would do this a quick;y as possible because we didn't want them to get a chill and a cold or worse. We would hurry up and dry them off and send them to bed--which at the time were there sleeping bags on the floor.. After they went to bed we would wash each other off and do the same. It was rough,, but then again looking back on it, it was kind of fun.
When we got all the inside done and the heat and water put in and we were actually living in the house all comfortable something else happened. I notice a light, small, like a cigarette light on across the street in the woods almost every night for about a week. I told my husband about it and he said that is was nothing and go back to sleep. I kept seeing it though and sure enough about a week after I noticed it we had been robbed. I was going to college at the time and had picked up my younger daughter up from the babysitters and came home. Before I got out of the car I notice that our front door was opened. I got out of the car and went to the front Door and noticed that we didn't have a door knob either. I got right back into the car and went to the neighbors house and called the police and then my hubby and then my other neighbor. My husband was kind of living with his parent' at the time and I was raising my two daughters almost by myself. So my other neighbor took us in for a week. I had to go through everything to report what was missing. I couldn't sleep in the house after that. This robber had everything all over the floor--the mattresses were tipped over all the contents of my jewelry box were dumped as well as the dresser drawers. We didn't have alot, but what he did take we never got back because he either sold it or melted it all down. We didn't get anything from the insurance company either----the excuse was real lame--it was because our house was not finished. The only thing it needed was painting! I am so glad that they changed the laws on the Insurance companies since then. We couldn't believe our eyes when we read why they wouldn't pay us! Oh and I had gotten real pearls for our wedding as a gift and I couldn't even get the money back from them because I didn't have a receipt----they were a gifts it it had been something like 9 years that we were married. To this day I think Insurance Company's are a scam--they take your money but when you really need it--they renege or find excuses to not pay you for what they owe you. Go figure!!.
We were cased for three years since then and were robbed for all those three years--right after Christmas. For the longest time I thought that I had done something against the Lord and didn't really get into material things for awhile. Each time I told my husband that we were being cased he did not believe me. I really don't know what his problem was--only that his mother didn't like me at all and he was living with them. Our daughters even for a while had asked who their daddy was and he thought that I put them up to that. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I remember one Thanksgiving I asked him to come home.I had already checked out if the college he was attending was closed and when their tests were and all that. They didn't have tests going on nor was the school opened for the break. He told me that he had to study for a test and that he couldn't come home. I was mad, but I had these two daughter's to raise so I went on. We had other guy's living with us to help finish the house and my husband knew about them because they were his and his brother's friends. I guess that is where the girls got the idea that they didn't know who their daddy was--he wasn't there and those other guys were. They didn't stay for more than two weeks.
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One of the guys that stayed with us, we all knew to be a pretty good guy. He was dating one of my husband's brother's at the time. Well he decided that he wanted to have some fun....only it wasn't fun for me nor the girls who had to watch it all happen--well hear it all. He decided that he was going to tickle me/ It was fun for a little while until he wouldn't stop and I couldn't catch my breath. I ran up into the master bedroom and went to close the door--only he bot his foot in it before I could close it all the way. He got in and closed the door behind him. That wasn't good and the girls couldn't get to me. He started tickling me really hard and I started screaming--I couldn't control it and I was beginning to get scared that I would laugh to death--literally. I don't know how I got out of the room, but I kicked him out and he wasn't allowed back into the house--ever! I told my husband this and he didn't give a crap! The girls tried to tell him and he thought that I put them up to it again.
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Finally he got a truck and worked with at the same company my parent's did. He would travel an hour and a half to work each way, everyday. He was home though and we were doing good for a while. I had my garden and it was going really well. He tilled it every Spring and we would get vegetables out of it and freeze them in a chest freezer. We had some animals and we used their excrement for fertilizer. It was nice and I was loving it. We had a Goat and used the milk from her and then she had twins, one died and I had to help the other one be born and he was like a dog. He followed us everywhere. He was adorable. He was great with the kids. His mother on the other hand she like attention. Lots of it. When we would get in the car she would wait until we had the car turned on and everyone in their seat belts and then-----up she went over her fence. Se would just look at me as if to say, "Come and Play". It would take us about a half an hour to round her up and get her back into her fence. One time though I went out and she was like tooo quiet. She was just standing at the fence. I went up to her and noticed that she had tried to get out and a piece of the wire had been shoved up into her hoof. Now she would play games with me and butt me up against things and have a jolly old time doing it, but this time was much different. She was calm and serene as I took up her hoof to look at what happened. I had to go and look for pliers to grab hold of the small piece sticking out and while I was looking she didn't move or make a sound. The girls were there watching and making sure she didn't move or get out. We couldn't take her to a vet because there was no way to do that and they couldn't come out to us. So I got her hoof in my lap and looked her straight in the eye and told her that it is going to hurt, but I have to get it out so that it can heal. She understood because she didn't move an inch as I pulled that 4 inch piece of wire out of her hoof. I know it hurt. I could feel her pain and her need to yell out. The only other thing that I could do--because then they would give us syringes and needles if you had large animals so that you could administer them yourself, was give her a shot. I also had Triple Anti-Biotic cream and it was for larger animals and had a long snout on it so I poked it right up in the hole that was left from the wire and squeezed it until it was coming out of the hole. Then I wrapped it up and told her that it has to stay wrapped for it to heal. I told her that it cannot gt dirty. She knew what I was talking about. She left that wrapping on it all day until I could get back to her to check on it and clean it out and do what I had to do so that it would heal. I was amazed that she let me even go in the pen with her as fiesty as she was. She gave me not on bit of problem. Truly amazing!
A while later my husband worked for a man who was a Jehovahs' Witness and had his own computer company. He also had a farm that his whole family owned. He would let us come over there when the corn was ripe and let us pick as much as we wanted and take it home to freeze. So we had corn all year long. He also had a few cows. He taught me how to milk one one time. I am afraid of animals larger then goats. I was very afraid that this cow would sense my nervousness and kick me to kingdom come! She didn't though and I got a pail of milk from her and took it into their house so his wife could sterilize it. That was the best milk I had ever tasted. They would give us three gallons of milk a week for a few months and we enjoyed it. I make butter and I tried to make cheese, but didn't have the space or time to do that. I made butter from the Goat's Milk we had too--only that didn't last long because she would always get mastitis in one of her teats.I think some are more prone to that then others and I got one that was more prone to that.
We also had eggs, from the chickens that I had and we used those eggs. We had 5 chickens and one rooster and he was the meanest thing I ever saw. I never went into the pen but only the hen house to get eggs. He got out one time and we had a sloped back yard and he went right after my daughter talons first! She was only 5 years old at the time! She wasn't anywhere near him nor would I have them get the eggs from the hens. Well it just so happened that night he was found dead. We think a fox got him. Strange occurrence at a strange time. Someone was watching out for my daughter!
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I AM
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We used to walk a mile on the dirt road where we live to the Mom and Pop store that was on the main road to get some groceries here and there. One winter it had snowed like 3 feet in one night. Of course we were out of something and my husband was stuck at his job.-----or so we thought. It normally took 1 1'2 hours for his to get home and I gave him an extra hour. Then I get a phone call from my mom who told me that she had seen him with another woman in the Pizza Parlor down the street from his work. She told me that they were there and he didn't see them and they had been there for about 1/2 hour. Wow, what shock and a disappointment. I really had no idea at all--just thought that he was with his parent's or stuck at work. Soon after that is when we were losing money out of the checkbook that I could not account for. Debtor's started to call me and I didn't know what to tell them. Then out mortgage was like 2 months later and they wanted the money right then and there and they weren't going to work with us. My God there was 1500.00 dollars missing our of the checking account!! I couldn't believe it. I did ask my husband where the money was and he told me that he didn't know where it went...... Yah right! So that was the beginning of the end of that house. Funny how Mortgage Companies will go around your back to do things that are not ethical at all. We didn't find out from them that our house was being foreclosed on--we read it in the paper!! Anyway my husband was trying to get a transfer to another state with his present employer. H eventually did and that part will be later int eh story because it coincides with the leave of this house. Before that there is much more that went on here that I am going to bring up.
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As time went on and the girls started school I got some jobs off and on. One at McDonald's and then I got one selling Rainbow Vacuums. Nice job, hard yes, but I dressed like a lady and got some sales.
On my first lead for a sale the guy whom was training me sexually assaulted me. He took me out to a dirt road across from a housing development and of course at first I didn't think nothing of it. We were across the street from a new development that driveways and roads were still dirt and I assumed that we were going to be making a call to one of those houses. That is not what happened at all. He almost broke my arm and he forced me to go down on him--in the car--in front of passerby's We went back to the office and I was held back my tears and there was nothing for me to do at the time and so I left to go home. I called my husband at work and told him what happened......well he ignored me. I didn't know what to do and so I just brushed it off.
I was having an affair with someone else not even related to work....., well actually just someone to talk to. At the time I thought that talking with someone of the opposite sex was having an affair, but now I know differently. Well I am now in a different situation and will come to that in a later chapter. My trainer told me that he would tell my husband if I didn't do what he wanted me to do. He was going to blackmail me into doing as he wished. He got to know my husband and family and he was a very good con-artist. He told everyone that he used to be a cop who had to retire because he hurt his back real bad so he sold these Rainbow Vacuums. He also told us that his former wife was not a good wife and that he was remarried with a kid. We even had him over our house for dinner and stuff and we went to his house too and I met his wife and son. They were the nicest people--except for him. So I eventually told my husband that I was having an affair and I just wanted him to tell me to stop or at least talk about it. All he did was roll over and he went to sleep--never said a word to me about it. During this time I got to know a few other salesmen in the company and the boss really liked me--not in the way this trainer did. Anyway, a few times we went to the main office some 60 miles away and I had to ride with this guy. He would do the same thing on the main interstate as he did to me that very first time. I never sat so close to the door in my life and kind of wished that I would just fall out the door and die.
He would come to visit me during the day and I would let him in, but my children were there too so I saw no harm in that. He threw me over the couch and my girls saw it and I made excuses, which was dumb, but didn't want them to worry about it and that I could take care of myself. Their father was never home and I had to give them some peace of mind that I was strong enough to take care of them and myself. My oldest told me that he was not a very good man and that I should not see him again. That wasn't possible because I worked under him and had to keep this job.
Well things progressed and this guy told me that he wanted to pimp me and I blew it off as a joke. That wasn't right either and he brought another guy in while no one else was home and ------well this other guy and I decided that we didn't want to do this but we would tell him we did.
I was about to take another journey and my life took a 90 degree turn and I think I got a bit of whiplash from it.
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Things got much worse and in the winter he came to my house and raped me.
He came to the house and I let him in as usual. I told him that I would be back and went upstairs to my room to get something. Only I didn't know that he followed me. When we go there he told me to take my clothes off. Mind you I was in long pants and a thick heavy turtlenecks weater. It was winter! I didn't have anything sexy on at all. It was quit frumpy and the girls were at school. I said No. He told me again and I said something that you don't really want this and I sure don't want to do this. His voice changed to a much lower tone and he told me again to take my clothes off. I took them off and he layed me gently on the bed-----and boom I was not in my body! There I watched it and I have no idea as to when I came back into my body. I was pulled ( I didn't do it voluntarily) from my body. I watched everything he was doing to my body from the top of my room, over the bedroom window and through some yellow fog or haze. I felt nothing--no pain, no emotions. It was loke a Television show. Oh but this was the start of my magnificent journey. There is something good of this. There was someone else with me while I was watching and he put his arms around my shoulders as we both watched what was happening to me. He said something that I will never forget. He told me that "Everything is going to be OK". I was not asked what religion I belonged to or even if I was a Christian. The love that I felt at that moment is like no other kind of love there is on this earth.
He forgot to mention the fallout of what was to come.
I took showers and baths some 4, 5, 6 and more times a day after that. I cried lots and lots. I called my husband right after it happened and he didn't believe me still!!! I finally got up enough strength to call my perpetrator and tell him that he raped me. He blew it off and told me that I didn't know what I was talking about and that I was making a mountain our of a mole hill. I tried to get counseling but at the time that this occured they didn't have any help for those who had been through an aquaintanceRape. All the cold tell me was to be in public and be with a friend and be in well-lit places. None of that pertained to me. I didn't have a car to get to them if they had. I was truly alone--except for Jesus, but I didn't feel him around me. I felt abandoned by everyone, including the one who I thought would be there the most--God. To this day I have no recollection of the date that this occured--only that it was sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
We went out to dinner once after that and I couldn't hold back my fear and cried. My husband and I got into a big fight because he still thought that I made it up. I almost walked home from the restaraunt even before we went inside. How could I have went to the police when first of all and I think the most important was that my husband wouldn't even believe me--let alone they believe an ex officer if he ever was one. One of my friends who worked at the same company even asked me if I didn't want it too and the Jehovah's Witness guy--he said that I wanted it by the way that I was dressed. Everyone was against me. I even told my parent's and my mother--she told me to push it under the rug and that I had two daughter's to raise. My father he want to go kill the bastard. Push it under the rug--if only it were that easy.
I went on a quest after this. This changed my life and what I thought of Organized religion forever. Oh I went back and that will be later in the book, but I was never the same person again. I read that Bible that I thought held all the answers-------I read it back and forth and had just about the whole book filled with bookmarks and highlighted. Yet I never found anything as close to what the Jesus who put his arm around me did. The love, and I have to say this again, the LOVE that I experienced in that single moment or moments was like no other in this world or in that there bible or in a church or anywhere. It can't be found, It doesn't exist here on this plane. My Out Of Body Experience showed me something wonderful in the midst of somethng horrible.
I searched in my past and with those gifts that I had turned off and couldn't find an answer there either. Things got much worse within my marriage, not so much from the affair, but from me crying all the time. I could not stop and all my husband kept telling me was to shut them off and to shut up.
I didn't have any visions of this or what was to come. Remember I asked for them to be taken away. This is why I say don't ever ask for your gifts to be turned off because you will only gain new ones and ones that are less understandable then the first ones---for a while at least.
My husband does get his transfer and they come and pack everything for us. My husband goes down and scouts out an area for us to live and he comes home and tell us that he has found a place and he pays the first and last months rent. It is a house with a fenced in yard! Yay!
Then reality sets in. We can't take all our animals with us and my friends--I will have to make new ones and leave these here. I dont' know anyone down there at all--absolutely no one! Bittersweat are my tears as we leave the house with one dog and one cat and the memories of the good times we had, and then the joy of beginning anew and leave the bad times. As we pull out of the driveway, I say my last goodbyes and we are off for a 16 hour treck to the new place. It will be the first time that I see the house and the yard and the land that we will now call home.
There are still some lose ends but my journey continues in the next chapter of my book
