The Ugly Truth

This post is a view from the experience that many have gone through and has been censored or silenced in person and especially on the internet. Even many family members don't know this.

A perfect song and lyrics for this:

The Sound of Silence

Simon & Garfunkel

Hello darkness, my old friend,

I've come to talk with you again,

Because a vision softly creeping,

Left its seeds while I was sleeping,

And the vision that was planted in my brain

Still remains

Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone

Narrow streets of cobblestone,

'Neath the halo of a street lamp,

I turned my collar to the cold and damp

When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light

That split the night

And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more

People talking without speaking,

People hearing without listening,

People writing songs that voices never share

And no one dared

Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools" said I,

"You do not know, silence like a cancer grows.........

Some of you will not like what I have to say and some will not understand it.  Some of you will try to help and others will just walk away.  Understand that this is the outcome of what happened long ago and I cannot changed what happened then or what my actions were then.  What and how I deal with it today and every year since then, I have tried to control.  These thoughts come into my mind around this time of year. No matter what I do, I can't seem to stop them.

First I will tell you that I made myself ugly.....yes on purpose.  I let my body go, thinking that if I did this then no man would ever look at me and find me sexually attractive. I can tell you that that didn't and has not worked.

Years ago I was raped.  I was sexually assaulted twice before he actually had intercourse with me.  I did go to counseling, but it only was how to keep myself safe while in public.  I knew my rapist and he knew where I lived.  We worked together and he was my trainer. He violated me that very first day that we went out to do a job.  He drove me there and we stopped on a road behind the development that we were going to go to to sell our product,  He had me go down on him....in the car.  Why I did not quit then is no consequence now because it is done and over and I cannot change the past.  So as things got worse, he violated me another time again in his care and we were driving to an appointment that was an hour and a half away.  He also wanted to pimp me out for him.  That didn't work and then he came to my house to pick me up one day. The day was somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  The mind really does some maneuvers to protect the person.  I can't remember the actual day and every year at this time I get really depressed.  Everyone was gone to work and in school.  Even though he assaulted me twice before for some reason I didn't think that he would do it again.  He was an ex-police officer, you see and I guess I trusted him or was very scared of him.  He threw me over my couch one day and my girls were with me and watched that too.  After that I took many showers and couldn't seem to get clean enough.  I did tell my husband and his response was that it was too bizarre and he didn't want to have to do anything about it.  I pleaded with him to go to his house and tell him to leave me alone or press charges or something.  Meanwhile I am going nuts. I went to church and I talked with 3 different clergy and they all turned it back on me.

Bringing this all to the present day.  I am going bonkers in my head. I think of this every single year and how it all came to be and then what has happened to me since then.  I hate winter!

These parts you may not want to read and some will pass judgment on me and some will discontinue being friends.

I was doing fine for many years after that.  My husband and I did get a divorce and later I took some classes and got a Medical Receptionist Certificate and went to work and did get along with men.  I loved my job.  7 years alter my divorce I found a man that I could trust and we married.  He had issues with sex too and it took me years to understand him and I went to counseling to help myself learn to cope or get some coping skills.  I did learn those and our marriage has flourished.
Though he did lie to me before we were married about some things, not affairs or anything of the sort.  I learned quickly that I would never marry again and that we would make this relationship last as neither one of us wanted a divorce.  We both know our boundaries now and I know more about myself.

Here goes the hard stuff.  Our neighbor is gay and I have no problem with that.  I thought that was perfect and that he wouldn't bother me....except I was wrong and it bought all kinds of things flooding back.

I went outside one day dressed in my night shirt.  Oh it isn't one of those sexy things.  Nightshirts hang down to my knees because I am short.  It wasn't see-through and I was only out there to feed the cats or something.  He saw me.  Like I said, I didn't think anything of it because he was gay.  Well he asked me if I wore that for him.  I got upset and then he told me to tell my husband that he was sorry........tell my husband!!!!!  He never said to me that he was sorry!!!  Believe me I never went outside with just my nightshirt on again.  WTF!!!  That was the first time and it nicked my brick wall that I put around myself. I don't think that he is a true blood gay fully.  He couldn't be if he has lusting eyes after me.

The next incident was when both my husband and I were over at his house.  I bent down to tell my husband something.  He was sitting on the steps and I was standing and my neighbor was standing a few feet behind me.  He told my husband to cover my ears because he didn't want me to know what he was saying, but I heard what he said.  He told my husband that he was going to grease me up really good and sodomize me. I made some really ugly faces to my husband when I heard that and my husband told my neighbor that I heard everything.  I don't like my neighbor and will not go to his house by myself and I really don't like it when he comes to my house and my husband is not home.  Can you relate to my fear of being raped again?  Those two acts just took all my safety nets that I had thought that I had and threw them out the window. I thought I was safe from being raped or even viewed as some kind of sex object.  I made myself ugly years before that when I gained weight and stopped brushing me teeth....and it didn't help.

My fear runs deep again and I can't seem to do anything about it now like I did before.  My husband got really sick a couple of years ago and he went to the hospital in our only car.  I had to go pick up the car someway and it wasn't going to be my neighbor.  What I felt inside myself and how much fear that I had astounded me.  I got the Security guy to take me to the hospital to get the car.  While riding over there he took a different route than I do.  It was good reason though because there was a traffic backup on the main route, which I always take, and he had to go through some back roads to get there.  Now the feeling of fear and fear of the rape come right back.  These are my flashbacks. There is no reason for it to have happened but I think my mind and body were on some kind of defense and autopilot at the same time.  My body tightened up, by teeth were clenched and my muscles were ridged and I held my purse between my legs the whole trip.  It took us only about 30 minutes to get there but for me it seemed like an hour.

I want to drown out my thoughts and my body and medicate myself, but I don't want to do that because I know the pain will still be there once I get back out of the thing that I medicated myself with.  Oh I don't take drugs and I don't drink, so I have no idea how I would medicate myself.  I just want my mind to stop thinking and allowing these thoughts to come into my mind.  I want to stop the pain.  Anyone who has not been through something like this cannot fathom what I am talking about.

Prayers don't work, it is I that has to do something and I don't know how.  Counseling doesn't work because now I am at the point that I cannot trust any man in a one to one situation.  I was completely fine before that first time my neighbor asked if I wore that for him.

I made myself ugly thinking that I would be safe........and it didn't work.

Rape cripples a person for life. it's called PTSD
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

Misty Acre and The Water Heater

Misty Acre

My dad gave us this house in the hopes that it would save us money.  We were living in an apartment that the landlord was raising our rent by $50.00 once a month and it had been 3 months and we couldn't afford anything else at the time. The carpet was bad and the dishwasher broke down and the landlord didn't fix it unless we bought the carpet ourselves....on top of the raise in our rent. So my daughter went to my parents, unbeknownst to us and told my dad about our problems and he wanted to give us this house. I wrote about that horrible experience earlier in this blog and don't want to re-hash all of that nonsense.

We moved in and we knew that some things needed upgraded to pass the new codes they had passed years ago.  We waited about a year and a half until we got our finances under control.  I was working for a company that did landscaping and other building projects.  They were out of state but they did come and take a look at the one pier that was holding up our house.  I am getting off the subject and will have to write a book about this house later.  Anyway they came out and raised the house on that corner and put a new pier under the house.  I will tell more about that when I get to telling the whole story of this house.

That was our first nice encounter with a contractor/employer.  Anyway, let me get back to the Water Heater.

We shopped around for a contractor to fix the house and bring all the plumbing and electrical work up to code.  My parents had this house as a cabin, but we needed to bring it up to something that we could live in all the time.  So we shopped around and got references and all that jazz.

Keeping to the story here, we had floods in the basement many times.  It was for my sewing business, that never happened here because of the locality of it.  Anyway, we had another contractor come and see where the flooding was coming from.  This was many months ago.  He looked it over and couldn't really find anywhere where the water was coming in.  We cleared out all the gutters and the big black plastic pipes that they put around the basement to catch and divert any waters from the basement.  They were dry.  We were confused.  It only flooded when it rained really hard.  So we had no idea where it was coming from.

Current water heater's place.

One day about 2 months ago, it hadn't rained in a week and was really dry.  My husband took the laundry basket down and found water in the basement.  It was about an inch and so the only thing down there was the water heater, the wash/dryer and the de-humidifier.  We knew it wasn't the washer because I hadn't used that in a week.  The only other thing that it has to have been was the Water Heater.

Easy enough to go to Lowes and get a new one and for them to come and install it and take this old one away.  I had a credit card with them and was going to use that.  So we go to the store and pick out one to replace the broken one.  No problem at all.

The plumber comes out and looks around and tells us that he cannot put it in.  WHAT!!!
He tells us the electrical wiring is not the right size and we will have to get an electrician to come out and put the correct wiring in.  Well, that sounded easy enough but I was fuming.  I blamed the country for changing the codes so many times....and they had....but that wasn't the problem.  I fumed some more.  I was hot and I could have made hot water from that point myself.

We went back the day the contractor brought all our new hot water tanks and fixings out to return it because we didn't have a place to store all that until we could get an electrician to come out.That was a fiasco.  The lady at the returns desk could not get the items off my credit card because it kept telling her that they were already returned.  All of us were dumbstruck.  So she said that she finally got them off and we went back home.  A week later I called to see if the charges were off my card and found that they weren't and was even charged for a missing payment.  I talked to the lady on the other end and she told me that she was going to make a report of it.  But my husband wantd it settled that day so we wnet back to Lowes to get it all straightened out.  That took about an hour and they even called their head office to get it straightened out.  The lady that was helping us could not understand why the store had it off their books, but it didn't come off my credit card.  She and the other person on the phone had talked for many minutes and finally they found the problem.  The store was using the wrong numbers on the items in question.  Finally my card has a zero balance again.  So I went and bought screws, nails and light bulbs and I forgo the Water Heater until we could get the electrician to come out and fix that problem.

From the time the water heater broke to the time that we could find an electrician it had been two weeks since we had hot water.  We braved ourselves and took cold showers and we heated water on the stove to wash dishes in.  Laundry didn't matter because I wash my clothes in cold water anyway.  The only good thing about all this is that it was still summer weather and a cold shower was welcoming.

After about a week of trying to find an electrician he finally came out and what he found was not good at all. He told us that the circuit breaker in the box was right but the wiring was wrong and that if we wanted a lower bill that we would have to clean up the crawlspace.  We always wanted to go down in the fine dust and dirt and fallen insulation to clean that all up.....NOT.  Well we did want to eventually, but right then.

Before we cleaned.  We stored stuff down there.
The insulation keeps falling because the
mountain keeps shifting.

It took us 2 days and 8 hours to clean it all up.  He came back out and what he found was a strange ay to do the electric wiring.  They did have the right wiring from the circuit breaker, but only to a junction box.  Let me tell you about that.  When we were putting in all the electric and the water heater there some 15 years ago, we wanted the water heater on the other side of the basement because it was closer to the sinks, dishwasher, toilet and shower.  The did not do as we told them to do and somehow it got put on the opposite side of the basement making it longer to heat the water.

Almost done cleaning.  We took the first set of shelves down
and will have them in another place, once this is all done.

BUT......the wiring was right and whoever (the
main contractor) decided to do the opposite and so someone must have put that junction box in and ran a lesser wire to the water heater.  The electrician at that time was working for our main contractor as a sub-contractor.  I fumed even more, but that saved us lots of money because this electrician had to only run the correct wire from the junction box to where we want the new water heater to go.

This is where we want the new Water Heater.

Now it has been another week and we still don't have a water heater.  We go back to Lowes to purchase a new one again, but now that we changed the placement of it they have to send out a plumber to get the dimensions and feasibility of it and what they would have to do to install it in it's rightful place...in the crawlspace near the sinks, dishwasher, toilet and shower.  Oh something else that I will have to ask the plumber too...why do we have to run the bathroom sink to get the shower to run....strange eh?  We a few years ago we had a whole house water softener put in that crawlspace and they had their own pressure valve on it.  The our neighbor was having many problems with his water coming in from the water company that the water company came an put another water pressure valve on our house.  I think this is the problem, that and they had told us that we used twice the amount of water in May and September and that we had the water leak, which we did not.  After 3 years of all this finally it was fixed.  Finally the neighbors got their water fixed too and all problems have stopped......except the pressure in our water to go out to the shower as it is the last one the line.

So the plumber told us that he would be here between 7 and 1 today.  I have a foreboding feeling that this is going to cost a lot of money....something that should have been done right in the first place 15 years ago.

5 weeks without a water heater.  It is getting really old and it has to be done before winter comes.

As much as my dad wanted to help us out with giving this house to us, it has become a money pit because of shady contractors and those who want to do shortcuts to help them and not the homeowners.  There is lots more to this house I now call "The Money Pit".

They guy from Lowes just came and left.  He took measurements and all that and is reporting to Lowes later today and Lowes will call us back in a few days.  This is ridiculous as to how long and how much trouble all this, rather simple project, has turned out to be.

What he told me was the Berkeley County has this new code that they have to have a expansion tank on top of the water heater.  I know that water expands when it is heated.  The older water heaters had a release valve on them for that purpose.  The plumber asked where that water was going to go.....well excuse me for being stupid but, that is why they have the drip pans and that is why you put a CPVC pipe from that release valve to the drip pan.  Just how many people currently, on the older water heaters, have such a thing as the expansion tank.....and how many of those old water heaters have exploded because of pressure when the fill up?  I would guess not many.  Our heater is 15 years old and never blew up or anything like that.. Their logic doesn't make any sense....at all.  Just more money.

See the release valve and the pipe going down the the pan.
We didn't get a drip pan, but that is where the extra water goes.

I will edit this as I get more information because we are in a holding pattern again.

UPDATE 9/30/2016
Got a call about that LOWES Water heater and said that it could only be a 38 gallon water heater. I said no problem. What a mess.! They are thinking that we are going to dig a hole to put the water heater is. He also said that the whole crawlspace need to be the same depth. What a joke! It can't be the same depth EVER! Our house is on a slope! He also said the whole side has to be the same depth, which it is where we are going to put it. We just need to widen the area about 6 inches, or maybe not because he said that the water heater is 24 inches wide. Well the area is 36 inches wide and is the whole length of the basement wall.. We are going to be buying the water heater and talking to them about it tomorrow evening.

Mystery solved and some good news and some bad news:

See The Door on the front of the huse on the left.
That corner under the lattice, that is no longer there, is
where the rain is coming under the crawlspace.

I was able to see where the flooding was coming from from this storm. Good News and Bad News though. We will still have to move the water heat, but not under the crawlspace. The water is running under the crawlspace from the front of the house where the water comes into the crawlspace and pooling right where we wanted the new water heater. There is a wide door that lifts up so that we can get to the water for the whole house. I have been leaving it open for the cats to go under there in the winter or when it rains. It is only running in on the one side where we also transplanted the Rose from and that has left an small hill with each rain. We are going to have to find a way to divert that small stream that the rain has left. We didn't have that prior to the snowmegaddon we had in January when we got 42 inches of snow in one day. The cats can still get in the other side, just not the side at the corner of the house. They will have to walk or run around the door to get into the other side.

Letter To A Friend

I have been corresponding with an old friend.  We were friends in Florida and then we lost touch and found each other again about 3-4 years ago.  I knew his whole family and when I got divorced and moved that is when we lost touch.  Since then we have been corresponding with each other almost on a monthly basis.

Don't get your mind in the gutter with all this.  My husband doesn't know really that much about him but he can and sometimes I read the letters that we send back and forth.  There is no love with this friend, but much friendship.  He is in prison now and is about to get out in less than a year now.  The last letter that I sent to him was an update of what has been going on in my life since his last letter which was a few months ago.  Life just happens too fast sometimes and I am sharing this letter with you so that you too can get a sense of just how fast life can get.  I will give another update at the end of this letter.

Here it is:

I am sorry that this is so late.  OMG things have been happening so fast and so much has happened since my last letter to you.  I can’t get a breath in.  Every time that I thought about writing you something else would come up.

First off we were dealing with Wells Fargo about our mortgage and all that.  That took days to fill out their forms and find everything for them.  I know where our financial status is now, but it was not smooth at all.  They tried to hurry us into sending all that paperwork in….like a day.  Then when Dennis took it all to work with him to fax it to their office, he went through all the paperwork and the things that we had to add to that and removed the pay stubs that I had in the pile.  I got so mad at him and we could not fax it to their office that day, the day that they wanted it.  Then, the fax number they gave us did not work, so they gave us another number and that too did not work.  Then they gave us yet a third number and that didn’t work wither.  He brought all the paperwork back home and I called HELLS FARGO to see if I could e-mail the scanned documents……..found out their office was closed that Friday, when we were trying to send stuff to them.  Not one person returned my call.  All their phones were down.  I took a look at the paperwork again and found that doing the loan modification would adversely affect our credit….like our credit is good right now at all.  So with all that, I decided to not go through their plan at all.  Talk about stress levels!  This was just the beginning….or middle if you count what happened with my mom and daughter’s that I will have little or no contact with.

Duke and Charlie 2011

Duke 2015

….and then my neighbor across the street had to put his dog down and so he asked us to bring Duke over to say his last goodbyes and be with Brutis for his last hours.  So as we were over there, there is a set of steps that go up to a doggy door to his porch.  There is like 4 or five.  Duke tries to go up them and doesn’t fall down them, but falls off of them.  Now he couldn’t walk back home and I know that was time.  That was a Saturday.  Monday I had to call Duke’s Vet and tell them that that I wanted to schedule him to be put down.  Now they know that Duke will not get into the car.  I tried to get him in it a couple of years ago and I got his front legs in and went to life his back behind in and he pulled his front legs right out of the car.  Well he rolled under the car….so getting him into the car to go anywhere was not an option.  They told me that when I could get him in the car that they would do it in their office.  Well we didn’t want to put him to sleep in someplace that was not home.  So I asked the receptionist if she had someone else that we could call and she gave us another Vet.  He did make arrangements with me for that Thursday afternoon.  Dave, those were the longest 4 days.  I also had t make arrangements with a pet crematory and they would pick him up and do the cremation and then bring him back.  When the other vet came to our house, he was an older man and very nice and we chatted for a feew until we all went inside to get Duke.  We told him what our Vet said and he couldn’t believe it.  We will be switching our other animals to him when we need another vet.  OK, now the financial part.  Our vet was going to charge us for that service and putting him down to the tune of $500.00!!!.  The vet that came out to put Duke down at home only charged us $70.00 and the cremation was $201.40.  That was money that was not in the budget, but I had to find it somewhere. 

Yay! My husband got a big check from his job that he is a Crisis worker for.  I got all the bills, including the mortgage caught up and was even able to pay the property taxes with………………  That was stressful for the both of us as those property taxes were due in 2 days.  So he had to go stand in line, a couple of them, for hours so that we would not have a penalty on them.  Well we found out that Hells Fargo finally set up an escrow account, after many YEARS they told us that they couldn’t do, and paid our house taxes.  Thing is, I didn’t get a receipt yet.  I have been too busy to call the tax office to get that.  I guess that is another thing on Dennis’s list to go there on the way home to get that.  After going through all this crap with them I see on Face Book news about the fraudulent activity going on with Wells Fargo and that they fired 5,300 employees for making fraudulent customer accounts to get the incentives for some kind of commission.  I have no idea how that is going to affect us yet.  It will, no doubt.

….and then I ordered a few things from Fingerhut, like new shoes for me because no store around here sells the kind that I like and an A/C for the bedroom and a soft drawer storage unit so that things will be off the floor and neat in the basement.  Well I got everything but my shoes and to file a report for that.  Funny that when the UPS guy came and I was told that the shoes would be in that shipment, he was a new driver.  I asked him if he had something else for me and he said, No.  So I went on-line and Fingerhut sent me an affidavit report that I needed to fill out and send back.  Well I sent it back to them and I waited a week and then I called them.  Come to find out they didn’t get that e-mail back. So I did one over the phone.  Their report stated that I did get my shoes, but I told them they must be sitting at the UPS center because I never got them.  I told the lady what I was told by the new UPS guy.  Two days later I get a notice that they shipped me another pair of shoes and that I should be getting them within a week.  We shall see.

…….And then my coffee machine decided that it was going to have all the coffee go outside of the filter and clog it all up making all the coffee over fill onto the counter and floor.  I did manage to get one cup in a cup though.  Stress level is so high right now that I think I am going to explode!  Seriously, explode!

.….but that isn’t the end of it by any means……..Well our basement has flooded several times now and we always thought it was from those hard rains……well our basement flooded a few days ago and it had not rained in a week or more.  We deducted that it was the Hot Water Heater.  We went to LOWES to get a new one…..and they changed all the codes here in this friggen country.  We got a new o0ne some 15 years ago when we started renovating this house……..I was so pissed, but we ordered everything that we needed and also had them come out and install it.  No big deal right……………………?

……..and then, the installers get here and we find that they will not install it because there is something wrong with the electric from the box to the Hot Water Tank and it isn’t enough voltage.  They walk out and so we are left hanging because I have no money for this.  I try to call LOWES to get the charges off of my card.  I was put on hold by 3 different departments.  So we had to go there and do it……..but Dennis is on-call and gets a call on our way there.  Hell, Dave we didn’t even make it out of our neighborhood.  Stress Level just went through the roof!!!  We did manage to get there and the bill taken care of, but…..there is an extra charge to my account and I am NOT going t pay for it.  The installer did NOTHING.  On Tuesday I will have to call Lowes and get my card straightened out.  I really hate doing all this.  People tell me that I am a “know-it-all”.  Well I do know a lot because I ask questions, do research and follow up.  I wish that I could just trust people to do the right thing.  I really don’t want to know it all.  I think my brain is going to explode with all this information.  Grrrr.

The installer didn’t even find it to shut off the Water Heater or turn the breaker off, so we were asking LOWES how to do it ourselves and he was kind enough to tell us how to shut off the water.  Dennis tried to do it and could not get the knobs to turn.  Meanwhile our basement is flooded by all the water that leaked out of the Hot Water Tank.  What a mess my basement is!

……and then Charlie’s depression really kicks in and he was up all night last night crying and all day the next day and will not leave my side.  Every time that I sit down on the chair in the living room he has to sit in my lap.  He has to lay right up next to my head in the bed too.  Poor baby.  He and Duke were best buddies….oh and we now have fleas in the house, from Duke.  When his body died, the fleas all hopped off of that free feeding source.  We had to find money to get flea collars then, but they didn’t work the first 24 hours like they had the last time.  So…….so…..so…I am tired of someone playing games with me and torturing me and poking me to slowly bleed me dry.  I had a couple of nightmares the other night.  It reflected how I feel about our finances. 

I was being held hostage in someone’s apartment.  There were two guys that were dark skinned, like India.  They kept poking me with sharp objects that would make me bleed. Next thing that I knew I was laying in a wheel barrow full of broken glass and every move that I made would cut me and make me bleed….a slow bleed.  Next thing that I remember is that I made it to a neighbor’s apartment and I was still in that wheel barrow.  I was trying to get the black woman to help me and the guys came to the open door of her apartment looking for me and told her that I was just making things up and not to believe me.  That was the end of the dream. 

….and then…….I was on-top of my finances and now have to find an electrician to fix the electrical wiring in this house.  Oh I did my research and the county has changed those laws 5 times in 7 years.  I have no money and our credit cards are under the maxed out limit now and I was paying them off slowly, but doing that.  Oh and I forgot that the Student Loan that my husband has was in deferment, but just came back into our budget again.  That is over $100.00 a month now.  With all this and the raise in taxes for income that we just noticed on his paycheck, (another story that we have no explanation for yet) we have no choice bu to put this work on the credit cards. I can’t control anything, nothing, nada.

….and then the last dream that I had ………I was at my wedding, don’t know who any of the other people in it are.  We were sitting down to the dinner reception.  We all go out into the front of the church.  It was a big and beautiful church with a winding staircase.  The guests were making their way outside.  There were three pastors with us.  The honeymoon came up in the conversation and I was scared to be with my new husband and he was a bit on the aggressive side about the consummating.  The pastors were talking to me and I pulled one aside to talk to him.  I had told him that I was raped.  He understood my hesitation.  The guy that I married was tall, dark and he had a pear-shaped body, only he wasn’t fat. He brought my new husband in and we all talked and discussed this problem.  My new husband agreed that he would be gentle and I agreed that I would try it and not let my fear take over.  We were in agreement.  We worked it out.  That was the end of that dream. 

I am thinking that things are going to work out somehow.  All this in a couple of weeks and I hope it all stops and gets better……..nah….we still have to pay Home Owners Dues and taxes for next year…..but those bridges will be crossed another day.  Oh which reminds me……They are taking more taxes and SS and all that out of my husband's paycheck.  We were not told of this and it really crunched my budget yet again.  He did not get a raise, so we are perplexed.  That takes about $150.00 per paycheck from paying our bills.  My husband is working three jobs and the taxman and the debtors don’t give us a break.  

Meanwhile, I am finally getting noticed and have sold 9 products from my store!  It is slow and I realize this.  We don’t get paid until the threshold is met, which is much lower than all the content writing sites, that I stay away from now.  I will be able to cash out at $50.00 instead of $100.00.  They do hold payment for 30 days though because this company has a 30 day money back guarantee and instead of paying us and the product being returned they just hold it.  That makes a lot of sense.  I don’t want to spend that money and then have to find a way to return it if the customer is not satisfied. You can visit my store and you can share it too.  It is Lady_G_Boutique

….and then, and then, and then…..there is a song if you heard it called “Along Came John (Jones)” that all this is about and I posted some of this on Face Book and someone commented back about all this and this is what I commented back….and along came Ray (that is his name and we are friends)….he commented back, and I get a good laugh every time that I remember this)…..he said that I was a “smartass”.  LOL LOL LOL  I posted the youtube of the song and he got a laugh out of it too and said that he holds to his comment….that he still thinks that I am a smartass.

Updates:  

• Wells Fargo finally got the message that we were no longer interested in their plan. We got a letter and it mentioned about a Foreclosure and I went ballistic on the voicemail to the guy that was handling our case.  Wells Fargo is in deep trouble and is being brought up on all kinds of charges.
• I finally got my shoes from Fingerhut!!
• We had to find an electrician to run the correct line from the breaker box to the place that the new water heater is to be installed.  We changed the place and need to inform the plumber of where we want to put it.  Nobody wants to go down into our crawlspace.  On said that they were afraid to go down there because of spiders and such.  For goodness sakes I have been down there and crawling around many time.  What wimps.  At any rate, he said that if we cleaned up down there that he may drop the charges from $400.00.  We have one side done completely and the other side is about 80% done.  The insulation keeps falling because we live on a mountain that moves a lot. No matter how my parents tried to get it to stay up, it only lasted for a few years.  Stapling it doesn't hold as we have found out too.  I got an idea that might work and allow some flexibility of holding it up....Bungee cords.  We will see after all this fiasco of putting in a new Hot Water Tank.

Picture of before and almost after the crawlspace being cleared out

 The far side is what is left to clean. There are a couple more large boards leaning against the far wall.  I have to lay on my back or something to pull them out.  I cannot get to the top so my husband will have to get the rake and rake it out. He is also going to stuff the insulation back up.  I hope it stays up there for a while, at least until the electrician is finished his work.  We are taking down and moving those utility shelves and the new water heater will go on the other side of the water softener that you see on the top picture close to the door.

So there you have it.  The fun never stops around here.

The Shunning

This may sound like rambling because I might have told this before in one of my other chapters, which not many read in the first place but.....

Something has happened in my life about a month or so ago and it really made me mad.  Oh I started writing about it immediately, but then stopped until I calmed down enough.

How many times must one go through rejection until they get mad enough or hurt enough to get out of the room?

I will tell you.  It will be about 1,000 times when you think that you should be loyal to the person. Never give up is what I have heard from others.  I also hear a lot of people who say that family is always first and that we should always rely on family.  It doesn't always work out that way for many of us, though we have tried and the more that we try the worse things seem to get.

My dream of a family life is much different that what the reality of it is.  I have grappled with that for a few years now since my dad passed away two years ago.  I always thought that family should stick together when hard times come around.  I always thought that petty difference and disagreements would soften over time and there be love shown. That is not true.  It isn't like that at all in my family.

I see many posting on Face Book about how they love each other and their siblings and family and oh how I wish that were true of my family.  At the middle of my life I feel in the middle and yet I don't wish to be in the middle like this.  I fear that it is because of the Internet, but then again much of what I have gone through has no direct link to the Internet as it has been happening way before that ever came around.  I have been accused of saying some really bad stuff....so they think.  They think that I am a very nasty person and I say some really bad stuff about other family members.  Some distant family members can and do look in and are on my side.  I won't tell who they are because they will get pounced on and I don't want that.

This is an example that just happened a few weeks ago and how much rejection that I have taken in.
I am not supposed to mention my mom at all even just the words My Mom....anywhere on Face Book.  I don't talk about her on Facebook.  I have this book right here that I am writing in and that is the only place that I talk about my relationships.  She is also mentioned in the family genealogy and her picture is there also. She doesn't want her picture up or even mentioned in that either.  That is one thing that I will not give her the pleasure of.  For one, she doesn't get on the computer and for another it isn't about her.  It is about history and family and where we all came from and does involve many others finding a common root or ground.  I simply will not do that to others who are trying to do that.

I even changed the name of this blog/diary/ Life Story (which I am not supposed to do either) because I was told not to put my name on anything on Facebook.  A friend mentioned to me that I was an adult and I shouldn't of had to do that.  They were right but I changed it anyway. Most children grow up wanting to please or get approval from their parents, and I so do, but I don't please my mom at anytime.  So changing the name was an attempt to please her, but it didn't.  Go figure.  She thinks that the whole Internet is bad and it is only Face Book.  There are lots of other social media than just Face Book.

This is what really got me mad and hurt.  A family member posted on my timeline that my mom went into the hospital with congestive heart failure and that I should know and that she thought that she would get into trouble over that.  I didn't see that message, but another family member on my husband's side did and asked me how my mom was doing.  She found the message and read it to me.  I did call the other family member who posted that and asked about it.  I talked with both of them and one doesn't want to get involved but knew my concerns.  Mind you this was days after she had written on my wall.  Good Ole FB for ya!

I am not supposed to talk about my mom to or with anyone.  My mom was in the hospital with Congestive Heart Failure.  This was not the first time that I learned that she was in the hospital for something health related.  She broke her shoulder in a car accident and I didn't find this out until months after the fact.  She doesn't want me to be a part of her life and has accused me of doing things and saying things on Facebook that I did not.  That was a couple of years ago.  You know when you get told and blamed for something that you didn't do for so long and so many times it will eventually come out.  So this is it.....  There was a nurse that recognized my mom at a hospital, that my mom tells me that she didn't know where she was.  Mom blamed me for this nurse remembering her and has accused me of posting her information on Face Book.  I don't even know who that nurse was or where she was or even that mom was at the hospital because I was never told.  How can I post something that I never knew about, never was there, and don't know the person's name?  A few months go by and mom tells me that she knew the nurse from another doctor's office that she visited.  NOT A SINGLE WORD OF SORRY THAT I BLAMED YOU.  Not a single apology.

After getting off the phone with them I did write to my daughter, a private inbox message, whom told me that she didn't want to get involved with any of that. (I told her that I didn't think that my husband's sister was getting involved in it like she did.  What a surprise for her getting into a bees nest like that.  I feel sorry for her that all this happened and that she had no idea that she would ever get into all that.  It wasn't her fault, but she cares, which is a lot more than my two daughters and my mother does.)  I told her that I wasn't asking her to get into the middle of anything.  I just wanted to know how my mother was doing.  My youngest daughter, I found out, was the one who took her to the hospital. Oh WOW!  Both of them knew and neither of them wanted to tell me about my mother.  When my mother calls me back after I left a message on her answering machine I get a lecture, nothing like I am OK or anything of that sort. She spoke very rough about my family member that wrote that she was in the hostpital, on my wall, and blames her for a lot of things that she does not do either.  I manage to speak up for my other family member and told my mom that she only sahres recipes on Face Book.  My mom had no words for that.  

My youngest hasn't said a word and has blocked me out of her life for years now.  Reject Number Two.  Let me explain something about that here and yes people will read it but I am tired of being the scapegoat and the one that is assumed that lies out the ying-yang

I was concerned with my daughter and got into a heated argument over it.  I know that she will not like this known but this is MY life and MY pain and MY healing.  She can continue to lie about me and spread those lies.  It has taken me a while to learn to "let go."  Anyway back to how this all came to be....and believe me (HA! does anyone believe me?) it is the truth.

I was just telling her to be careful with the guests that she chooses to live in her house.  I also mentioned to her that I was concerned with one of them that was out to take everything from her.  She told me that now I think she is a slut.  That is NOT what I said or thought.  She and her sister left the conversation right after that.  I got a really nasty letter from that guy that was setting up house with her and the first sentence was the he didn't want to come between my daughter and I.  Well he did and he made it a mess and my daughter's and I don't converse much after that.  Mind you that was all said in their Private Inbox.  The thing that I said, after they left the conversation, and they must not have read it, was, "Why would you think that I would think that of you."  So I posted that on her house guest's page and nowhere else.  Oh he twisted that all up and down and around the room.....becasue he wanted to get in between my daughter and I.  I also told her that I don't think of her that way and never will.  Now my mother and my other daughter both think that I think that she was sleeping with all those guys that she has allowed to live with her only after knowing them for 3 months.  I don't think that, but you betcha my mom and my two daughter's do. I am more worried about her being killed by any one of those guys.  There is way to many reports of this type of thng.  I am trying to teach them honesty, but that backfired in a way that I never thought would happen.  Funny that....I got friend requests from friends on his page that knew exactly what I was saying and didn't twist it around to what they wanted to hear, as my daughter's and my mother did.  I didn't respond to those requests.

WHY am I not listened too?  Why am I the scapegoat of the family?  Why do people think that I am the Liar?

Mom has always tried to blame things on me.....always.  She doesn't want me to talk to or to talk about her in any way shape or form. Not even good stuff, which I rarely get anyway.  I was told not to tell anyone that they had given this house to my husband and I.  Anything that I have ever gotten from her has strings attached and I stopped that after we got this house.  She went into a temper tantrum and brought my youngest daughter into it too when she kept asking my husband if we were going to sell this house.  For God's sake we were being evicted out of our apartment by the landlord increasing the rent.  She threatened to take me out of her will.  I wonder what it is and if that is what it is that she is so scared of what will come out that I might tell?  Well it did come out.

A few years ago she....and I am not sure of the whole story because I was only being told by her.....that I must have put something on Facebook about her seeing a doctor or in the hospital or something like that.  She couldn't figure out how a nurse knew about it all and she blamed me for that.  A few months after that she told me how the nurse knew her and it wasn't anything to do with the Internet or computer.  I NEVER got an apology for that and I think that she still thinks that I did that.  I have told her many times that I never did that and the nurse told her how she knew her, but yet I still get the don't put or mention me on the Facebook.  I go silent when she says that because there is no use in telling her again and again and again and it makes me mad as a hornet every time she accuses me of something that I didn't and don't do.

Some people that I know and have read these chapters about my life have mentioned that she has a metal illness.  Well another firend of mine has written about that illness and I never believed it until just recetly.  Please the the time to visit her article too at  How To Cope With Being Blamed For Something You Didn't Do

After my last "talk", more like I was still a 12 year old, and being told who I can talk to...........
Wait.  It isn't only about her that I am not supposed to post on Face Book.  That would make sense to some people, but I am not to tell anyone about my life either, things like; what I had for dinner and when I am going off-line and even good morning.  In other words she doesn't want me on the computer or to share anything with anyone, anywhere.

I have to find my own way out of all this insanity and so have decided that, since I am not to exist to her or anyone else, that I will not call her anymore and I will not take any of her phone calls (if she ever calls me again).  I won't send her a Christmas card or even a birthday card.  Sometimes you just have to give them what they want.....and I am giving her just what she wants.  That sad thing about all this is, as I told my other family membe, she will die in that house and nobody will know about it.

God, I miss my dad!  This all got much worse since he passed away.  I knew that it would and was hoping that my mom would be the first to leave.....seriously.

Thank goodness for family....riiight! Some are nice and will keep me informed and I am grateful for that.  I am so grateful for friends who do get involved and have helped me through this.

Momma He’s Crazy

Living with an Intimacy Anorexic is not easy by any means.  Many times it is like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  Well last night was such a night and I was scared for my life.  I really do not know who I married because I never saw what was coming until after we were married and then it was too late for me to do anything about it.  Nobody believed me then and for some reason they still do not believe me and what I am living with.

There are many good times in our relationship, but they keep getting pounced on and shaded by these times that what comes out of him is really nasty.  I lost my love for him and I don’t want to go near him anymore.  He scared me so bad. 

An Intimacy Anorexic is just that.  They do not like to get close to someone else.  It stems from their childhood when they were assaulted by someone.  The more that I have been thinking of this the more my conclusions or thoughts are become true.  You see he is a Roman Catholic, was raised that way from birth.  I became that too and went through that program of Roman Catholic Initiation of Adults before we could marry.  Then I started hearing and seeing on the news about all those pedopile priests who did unspeakable acts on the male children in the church and how they all got away with it.  I didn’t put any thoughts into it really until a few months ago.  The light went on.  One of sister’s accused me of blaming his parents.  I know that it wasn’t his parents.  I was thinking a while ago that it had to be a nun or other person in authority that had done this to him.  Noooooo, it had to be a priest.  There is no way of getting my husband into any kind of counseling because if this is true he has been told that if he tells anyone that there were going to be horrible repercussions.  So his mind has buried that and it come out, unfortunately, to those who do love him…not anyone but their spouse for some reason.  I wrote an article about the things that Intimacy Anorexics do and it is wise that you read it before passing judgement on me. They are not the normal abuser.

How this episode started was awful to say the least.  Now, I see most things that he does things that he takes away from me and it isn’t only me either.  Many times he will take away from the animals and our pets.  For instance he will go out and empty all the water dishes…..but he doesn’t refill them, even if I mention it.  He takes no responsibility for his actions and he lies many times…most times.  His first words are that I had a hand in doing things.  Well many months ago one of the keys got lost that went to the lock on the food bins we have for the dog and cat foods.  I don’t know who or where that key is and thankfully we have another key that works for that.  I simply mentioned that the other key was missing and the first thing that he did was blame me.  That is OK if I was the one who lost it, but I don’t know and will not take any blame and I didn’t even blame him…but it was still all my fault.

Okay enough of that background.  What really started all this again was that 3 years ago I gave him the budget because of what he did.  I had and still have a tight budget to pay off our bills.  That is the way that it is supposed to be.  So one time I had all the bills sent out to be paid and they were coming through….and then……then….my husband, without my knowledge at the time that he did it, went to lunch.  He never told me that he did and all those checks that I wrote bounced….every single one of them.  He never asked if the money was in there and they way that I found out was when all the checks were bounced and I had Overdraft fees all over and they did add up.  I gave the whole budget to him so that he could learn how hard it is when there is such a miscommunication.  That was the third time that I had to do that and he promised me that we would not get back into the mess that we were in again.  Rrrrrrrrrr, we are now in a worse way…and it is still all my fault and his excuse is that “I” needed things.  It feels like, by the experiences that I have had to go though in the last few years, that I am not here, until I am to be blamed for something that I had nothing to do with or that he needs something done.

In February I took back the budget.  He kept waiting until we were near the grocery store to tell me that I couldn’t spend very much.  Well that was fine up until he did it every time that he got paid and then I started getting many calls from our creditors.  That was when I put my foot down and told him that I want to take over the budget.  You cannot believe how hard that was.  I felt like I was sneaking behind his back and doing something wrong.  I was sneaking behind his back to find the checkbook and many of the bills that he had hidden in the files in his briefcase.  That wasn’t where they all were though.  I started making copies of the check registry.  Some bills were two or months overdue and all the charges and payments were crazy.  I cried for over two hours when I finally got things together that first night.  All he asked me was if I was OK.  For god’s sake I was not and I told him so.  I also told him that he did in fact finally break me.  Oh that thing……he told me that near the end of the first year that we were married.  He said to me I will break you like a horse.  Well he did and I do not love him anymore.  In fact I am a bit afraid of him.

Now to bring you up to last night and why I was afraid for my life……

I have the budget and I allow $25.00 in there for his gas.  He doesn’t take it out; he uses his debit card….long story with that one too.  Anyway, he told me that he had to get gas, but he told me earlier that he didn’t use the whole $25.00 that was set aside for him to use.  He told me that he doesn’t’ get cash back.  I know that….because he used the debit card.  I asked him how much gas he charged to the debit card.  I asked how much was the gas that he filled up the car the last time that he didn’t use.  He never told me.  Instead he got really upset and started yelling at me and I told him repeatedly that I just need to know how to put it in the check register. 

He got up out of the chair and had a really nasty look on his face that for one scared me.  I started to go back into the home office and he followed me.  I turned around to look to see where he was and he was standing about 2 feet from me and looked like an animal about ready to pounce on me.  He was slamming doors and yelled at me that is what I do.  I truly was scared and my adrenaline was way up over the top.  I seriously thought that I was having a heart attack.   Just before this I had put some checks that he needed to sign in his lap.  When he stood up they fell next to the chair.  I asked him if he got them and he didn’t even know what I was talking about.  I said …see this is the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde that I talk about.  I told him to look beside his chair…he wouldn’t…he was not the same person he was before this all got hot.  I am not joking about that nor am I making this bigger that it really is.  I did eventually get them and put him on his lap again after I told him that I do not want to go near him and that he scared me.  Again he pushed it off and said that he didn’t do anything.

Why Women Don’t Leave an Abusive Relationship

I know why.  The women are afraid of the abuser because they are always afraid that they will be harmed or killed or stalked.  Yes there are many, too many, accounts where women put restraining orders on their spouses only for the law to not be held up and they are killed.  So they don’t say anything for fear….and that fear is so real and so great.  With an Intimacy Anorexic they make the other person not able to leave and that has been what happened to me.  They blame their spouse for things that they had no doing with and that has happened to me.  The abuse is never believed because the abuser is within the community and is portrayed to be a good person so that when the abused speaks up, they are the one who is called the LIAR and likes to make stuff up

.

That is why Women Don’t Leave.

A Couple of Dreams

I have many dreams that I remember, some I do not write down and some that I do.  These are dreams that I have had since my last blog in my life story blog where I was told Not To Post my life story on-line because it makes others feel uncomfortable. I think that these dreams are revealing as to my feelings and where I am going and what I need to do.

Dream: Graduation

I had this dream on Thursday March 24, 2016

I was working as a writer and that was my job.  Then I got called into a place where I was working for a meeting.  There was a woman sitting beside me and there was one sitting on the other side of the table.  It was a round table.  They were talking to me and seeing how I was doing with my job.  Then the one sitting at the other side of the table told me that she had to show me something and not to tell anyone because I wasn’t supposed to know about what it was.  She was holding a yellow packet that was stuffed full.

She opened the packet and showed me a sheet that had accomplishments and grades and the like on it.  She showed me low in the communication area.  She also said that I had to get 8 more points until I could graduate.  I explained to her that I had a job and thought that I had already graduated.  She told me that having a job is just like practicing but does not get me the points that I need.

I don’t know what those points are or how to get them.  I feel a bit apprehensive about getting the 8 points.  I am thinking, and it may be true or not, that when I get those 8 points that I will graduate and be done with this life.  I don’t think that it is the end, but the beginning of a new set of lessons for either another life here on this earth or somewhere else on a different existence.  Either way it is elation and sadness at the same time.

Dream about Changing

March 28, 2016.

I was working or doing something at a garden center.  My boyfriend (actually who I was having an affair with a very long time ago) came to see me.  He always comes around to use (?) me.  He is much younger that I and later found out that he had another girlfriend and was still married and told both of us that he got a divorce.  Oh that is one of my accounts on my life story. Anyway, he was waiting for me in the parking lot by his white van.  I went to meet him and he started saying something.  I put my hand up facing him and told him not anymore.  I just walked away after that.  I went to my cubby hole that I had my bedroom in at the house that I grew up in.  It had a small space under the landing that was the entrance to the house and living room.  I was putting little trinkets on shelves in the very small space.  They were little vases that had some liquid in them and I was careful in putting them on the shelf to not spill any of the liquid. Then I was back at the gardening center and there ended the dream.

I don’t think that this is about my boyfriend.  I think that he represented me being used and abused by family and I just had enough and said or gestured that I will not have any more of it. I simply walked away from all the drama.  I did not have any sad feelings with this and I did not even shed a tear. Going into that space and putting those small vases filled with liquid up on the shelves perhaps meant that I was putting things away or behind me.  The garden center would be about my life and the new beginning that I feel that I am involved in.  Well that is my summarization to this dream.

I Felt A Jolt

A Shocking Experience

I felt a jolt after falling asleep last night. It was a bigger jolt than I have ever experienced. It was different than when one gets snapped back into their body after an OBE. I wonder what it was.

It was so intense it was like someone used those paddles to bring me back. My whole body jumped off the bed a few inches. It woke me up.

I have had OOBES a few times.  I cannot control when they happen.  The first one that I remember was flying over the state of New York.  The next one that I remember was when I was being raped.  That one was strange because I don’t remember exactly the time that I left my body, but it was before he touched me, because I watched that from the top of my room and it was in some kind of yellow haze.  I don’t remember when I re-entered and I did not feel a shock with either of them as intense as the one that I just had last night.

Some things that lead up to this strange and shocking experience

A couple of months back I found that my husband had maxed out all the credit cards and had some that I didn’t even know about.  That was so disturbing and so I was so frustrated that I went into the bedroom and cried.  Oh but that was just the beginning.  Over the next couple of weeks I began to find even more bills that he stuck into things and neatly tucked them away.  When I found out the first few bills were 2 months past due and had talked with many of the debtors, I just stood there asking him “How Could You Do This To Us”?  That is when I began to cry and I cried for hours.  He tried to put all the blame for this on me.  He said that I needed things.  Now I am in charge of the budget.  Well let me back up a minute.  I get the checkbook, find 90% of the bills and start paying the most delinquent ones.  I take the debit card and put it with the checkbook.  I don’t trust him anymore and this was the last straw for me.  After I paid about 3 bills he can’t find the debit card.  He doesn’t’ ask me about it or anything.  He calls the bank and tells them that he lost his card.  So I could not pay anymore bills until I get a hold of the new debit card.  ....Long story short about that and the bank account.  Years ago we had a joint account.  Someone got that and charged a few things on it before we knew about it.  We ended up getting one in his name only and one in my name only.  So the bank account is in his name that we pay and do business with.  He blames that on me too.  Then the next mistake was that I told him the balance that I had in the checkbook after paying some bills.  I usually let that ride into the next bill paying cycle when he gets paid again.  He does it again!!!!!!  He took the debit card and got some gas with it and did not tell me until after the fact.  I was…well still am….LIVID.  Okay got that fixed up and then we go to McDonald’s one day and I asked for the debit card back.  He acted like some child and I was taking his toy away.  He made a scene and yelled at me telling me that he will not give me the debit card.  I went to sit down and sat somewhere else.  He didn’t come to find where I sat.  He waited until I went to find him when I thought that it was taking way too long for him to get our meal.


I asked him if we were going to handle this financial crisis together or what.  I never got the debit card back.  I went into his wallet and got the numbers and information that I needed so that I could pay some bills on-line.  Oh and I switched just about every bills that we have so that they would be paid On-line.  I don’t trust him and I don’t love him anymore either because of this.  He has Intimacy Anorexia and I am just a roommate, not a wife for him.  So roommates we shall be from now on.

We are buried deep in all this debt and he knows that I cannot work outside the home.  He also made that all my fault too…..he totaled my car years ago and now he has 3 jobs.  Oh do not feel sorry for that.  He will have that many jobs no matter what.  It is part of his Anorexia.  I did not bargain for this at all when I married him.  You can read what it is on my blog about Intimacy Anorexia.

We go to do our taxes and find out that one of his Part Time jobs isn’t taking out taxes.  Well we knew this last year when it came to bite us in the behind and so we had them take out about $40.00 with each check.  We thought that was enough because he gets paid $50.00 per day and more if he has to go out.  We thought that the going rate of taxes was about 40% of your pay…..found out quite different.  The person who did our taxes told us that we should be saving about $100.00 per check.  Ummmm, he doesn’t do this on a daily basis and it is hard to tell when he will go out on a call.  He is a Mental Health Crisis Team person for a local Mental Health facility.  That cost us $1,000.00  As tight as I have the budget there is no way in this God’s green earth we are going to have any money, even a monthly budget to pay any of that.  I also had to pay the penalty for not having health insurance.  That is one long story about that and I am very upset about that too.  I am not going to indulge you with that one right now.

We don’t have a piece of paper from his Student Loan taxes that we paid.  I got the not in my e-mail but for some reason I cannot reset the password so we come home and get on the phone with tech support./  He sends up the paper stating how much that we paid and the numbers the taxman needs.  We go right back out there and finish doing our taxes.  I am trying very hard to keep me together, but I did let a tear slide down my check there.  So on the way home all that kept running through my mind was, where we are going to get the money to pay our taxes.  My husband said that we will just pay it with the retirement.  What the hell I Retirement anymore?!  This is the second time that we have had to do this.  So I was quite upset when I went to bed.  I didn’t even turn off the light because I usually get up an hour after I lay down when I get Reflux when I eat after 6:00. 

I wasn’t asleep for a very short period of time before I was woke up from that shock to my body.  It did feel like I had got the electric shock that they do when a person’s heart stops beating in the hospital.  It made my body jump up off the bed a few inches.  It was much more intense than any Out of Body Experience that I have ever remembered having.  This whole experience, from the day that I met him up until now, feels totally off.  I knew we had something to work on when I asked him, how long did he wait for me, when I first started dating him.  Everything about this relationship is off.  Perhaps this shock was to re-align things.  I don’t know but I put this in my strange and weird experiences, of which I have had plenty of them.  Perhaps things will go better now.  I can only hope so.

This certainly is some kind of Wake Up Call and to be more aware.  I don’t know what to be aware of just yet though.