Leaving Everything!

While the divorce was coming though I had signed up to take a class at the local college. It was through the book "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends", by Dr. Bruce Fisher. I asked lots of questions and re-read that book many times. It wasn't about the loss but the grief process. It can be used for everything from the loss of a job to the loss of a home or even a child. Through the years I have used and re-read that book many times. Not for Divorce or anything in that order, but the loss of work, a home and myself and then my children--as in the separation of them at the divorce. A great book indeed.

In the divorce agreement we had joint custody of the children and also that neither one of us had to stay in the same state. Neither one of us even thought hat would be a problem because I was going to stay in Florida and get a job and get my own place and all that. Things don't always happen like you want them too. After the papers and divorce was final I lost my job. Now, I didn't have a reason nor a place to stay and I wasn't getting any alimony or child support from him. Can I say the crap hit the fan. All the planning and trying to save money just didn't happen.

I really needed to be with the girls and so I was to stay with him but live in his basement. So we packed up everything that we could and left. We found new homes for the cats and the dogs that we couldn't take with us. That was a hard thing to do for all of us. We had to leave an antique dresser that was my grandmothers there because it wouldn't fit into the truck we had. That sickened me, but we couldn't leave anything else behind.

On the way up we were following him and his father was between him and us. We were almost to the new destination when someone had pulled right out in front of my ex. Since we were kind of following close because neither his father nor I knew where we were going, He slammed on his brakes, his father did too and I almost stood on mine! Of course that arm goes right out in front of whomever is siting in the front seat. We all turned a slightly shade of white on that one. We all kind of looked at each other in amazement that I did not hit the car in front of me--missed it by about an inch! The closest I have ever come to someone in a car without hitting them. Needless to say after reaching our destination we all shared stories.

Then, without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day; of course, you achieve quite a lot in the course of time. Anyone can do this, it costs nothing and is certainly very helpful. Whoever doesn't know it must learn and

In Between

We got moved in and I got a Daybed and a Brass and Glass small Vanity formyself. I also had our bedroom furniture. Things were really mixed up at this place looking back on it now. Being In-Between like this was not good for either of us nor the girls. I just sort of had a melt down of sorts. I have never experience so much anger in my whole entire life and I didn't know where it was coming from nor how to manage it. I cried a lot and was just so frustrated.

I was trying to get the girls to have some morals and ethic and to build up their self esteem and all the while it seemed like their father was just letting them do as they pleased--with no structure at all. I was hated because I was looked at as the disciplinarian, which by the way they thought that I would have no control over them at all because mommy was divorced from daddy. Oh they played us both--they were both in their teens. Although I did not know this until I met my second husband. Lots of times people on the outside can see better then the ones who are on the inside of that situation.

The oldest of the girls was gifted and she knew that and it was hard trying to keep one step ahead of her. She would go on dates, now that she was in high school. She would tell us what time that she would be home and her father didn't care when or who she went out with--or even if she stuck to her word. I did. It was and is the parent's job to bring up a child that will be ready for the world. Of course she only thought that I was being mean and nasty, when I would go outside and knock on the window of the car that she and her boyfriend were in. She thought it would be alright to get home at the time she said that she would andt then she could sit in the car with her boyfriend until whenever she felt like. I guess she thought that she was home, but...she wasn't in the house. That didn't go over well with me. I was teaching her to stick to her word--because if you don't in life then you are taken for a fool and people will walk all over you. She could have picked a later time to be home because SHE was the one who picked the time and not us.

Her father and I fought on how to raise these girls since day one and this was no different then what we were dealing with in our marriage. Only now that we were divorced I think my ex and the girls thought that I should shut up and not be involved in anything the girls did.

Until I found a job I did things around the house and I even went as far as to paint it the color that he chose. Thing was he told me afterwards that he chose another color. Let me tell you that if I said things were white he would have said they were black. We even fought about how to cook rice! I was trying to get along and it seemed that he pushed my buttons all the time. Keep this in mind as it comes back in another part of this story. He loved to push my buttons and I do believe that I caught him snickering behind my back a few times after doing so.

First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. --Epictitus--

A New Job

Well my oldest and I were looking for jobs. We did manage to get work in the same place. I thought to myself Wow! a job and I would save and get my own place in a year. I wanted to have my own place and independence and someplace the girls could come a visit that wasn't under their father's rule or our constant fighting.

We enjoyed working together--well in the same place and I could make sure that they didn't give her more hours then what the state allowed for someone still in high school. They soon would come to me and ask if she could work more hours and I usually said that it was up to her. She would get those hours. Eventually I was moved to another store and she had to get a car because we couldn't work the same hours and be in two different places at the same time.

Being at a new store it was my goal to become head cashier and I learned the system of how minorities get more just because they are. Women weren't listed on that minority scale--at least not in this place of work. I worked very hard at being the best and fasted cashier there.

There was a guy there that got the raise and the promotion, but we were friends and I didn't make a scene about it and congratulated him. So I went back to being the best that I could be. That is just me--I am a perfectionist! I guess I got that from my mother who always said that I was always wrong and children are to be seen not heard. I was always getting into trouble for what my sister did!

There was another guy that I worked with at the time who read palms. I asked him to read mine and he looked at my hands and said that he couldn't and he refused to. That was weird--until I found out why much later! I thought hat I was doing really well!

I even bought my youngest daughter a bed with the money that I earned. She and her sister had bunk beds and they had had them since they were very small children. Well after moving here those beds were almost unusable. Their father bought a bed for the oldest and refused to buy one for the youngest. So I bought her a Day Bed--mattress and all. He tried to get her to believe that he got me to buy it. I was so mad and I took her to the store with me and she knew that he didn't buy her that bed. She was always treated different then the oldest. One year for Christmas her older sister got a big CD player and she only got two CD's--yeah it was always that way.

I was getting along well at this job, paying my bills and half the rent money. I thought that soon I would have a place of my own. Except life would throw a wrench in and mess things up again...

The Accident

While working one day, I slipped and fell really hard. There was water on the floor and I stepped in it and slid into the wall with my left knee and up against the counter under the cash register that I was running with my right ankle. Everyone saw it and asked if I was Ok--even the people in the line that I was waiting on. It was right in the middle of the lunch rush! I was in horrible pain but said that I was fine and tried to continue working. After about the third customer I couldn't stand the pain anymore and ask to go back to the employee room at the back of the store. The manager put ice on my knee and I thought that was the whole problem. She kept asking me if I was OK and if I needed to go home.About a half an hour later I did go home. . I had to live and I had to have money coming in and I just couldn't let this stop me--not a stupid fall. The embarrassment was killing me! They had me take off a few days so that I could recuperate and that was all in good..

So after a few days I was fine and back to work as usual. Even with the sprained ankle that I got when I hit the wall with my right foot, I managed to stand OK. I had a runner that worked with me. I take the order and get their money and the runner fills the order.

Mu Internist had me on some Prednisone to help calm my Ulcerative Colitis down a bit. It was very active and was making my very sick. About three months after my fall I found out why my friend wouldn't read my palm........

Difficulties increase the nearer we get to the goal. --Goethe--

And The Hits Keep On Coming

As the few months went by, something was happening deep inside my legs. that I was unaware of. It slowly crept up on me so I can't tell you when I started to notice it but my left leg was getting bigger and heavier. So they started to take me off the Prednisone, thinking that would be why my leg would be swelling. One day I couldn't walk because my leg was so heavy and was hurting so much. I actually had to pull myself down the hall of the house with a broom to get to the phone to call my doctor. Everyone was gone for the day--my Ex at work and the girls in school. My foot felt like someone was twisting it around to the back of my leg and wouldn't stop. I managed to get to the phone and call my doctor. They told me that they would give the message to my Doctor when he was done with a patient. He called me back in about 15 minutes time and told me that I had to get to the hospital ASAP--like yesterday! I explained to him that everyone was gone and I would go to the hospital after my daughter got home from school in about 4 hours. He told me that I couldn't wait that long to get there NOW! That scared the begeebees out of me! So I get on the phone with the school to get my daughter to come home and pick me up since there was no way of me driving myself to the hospital. I couldn't believe the response I got--she asked me if this was a joke and that they cannot take kids out of class. We had a nasty discussion that day and my daughter was home in about 15 minutes. She had brought a friend to help her get me into the car. When we got to the hospital they measured my leg and it was 37 centimeters and getting bigger. They immediately put me on a Heparin Block. My daughter had called my parent's who lived 2 hours away and they got there the quickest that I ever seen. She called my sister too and she called me back and asked what was I doing now?! We always joked about things like that! It kind of lifted the mood a bit.

I was told that I would have to stay in the hospital for 9 days--and not any less.I was told that I had a DVT--A Deep Vein Thrombosis in my left leg. In the right leg where I strained my ankle I had phlebitis. I was in shock and thought and made the comment that this was an old-person's disease. I couldn't believe it! They told me that it could dislodge and go to my heart or my brain. I had to stay still for the first three days. .. I told them that they would have to put me out for that to happen--HA! sure enough they put me out for three days!. I was fit to be tied. My whole world came crashing down like nothing else before. I thought the Divorce was bad, but nothing in comparison to this as it affected my life---My LIFE!! I couldn't believe what was happening to me or why! I can tell you right now that I hate hospitals!! I HATE being in them! I had a male nurse and that was embarrassing--but I got over that. He was nice looking and about my age, I guess. Anyway one day he came to me check in on me after they had given me Demoral and Valium. He said that my eyes were big as golf balls and I looked scared. I told him that I felt like I was floating about 3 inches above the bed and that If I moved I would fall off. He asked me if I had ever been on drugs before. I said Nope, and that I don't like being on drugs. They figured it was the Valium and took me off of it. I was fine after that.

I had some other health issues they were dealing with. I was anemic from my Ulcerative Colitis and they thought they would give me Iron---Sulfate... Well I had told them that I could only take the Iron Gluconate, but see--all throughout my life I am not listened to or believed....so I had problems keeping that in my body enough to do any good until they finally listened to me and gave me the right stuff. grrr.

Well a week had gone by and they told me that I was going to be getting out of the bed and walking to the bathroom. I thought good!! I will be out of here and everything will go back to normal. Oh while in there I had to quit working where I was because I didn't know when I would return to work. That turned out to be a good thing.

Don't Take Things For Granted

Well the next day I was ready to get out of the hospital bed, if even for a minute to walk on my own. The nurse came in and she talked to me a bit and had be get next to the edge of the bed so that I could drop my legs off the side. She was there to help me stand up and everything. She was a great nurse.

I got my right leg down with no problems and thought to myself, "This is Great!" . My left was in the position to come down too and I was getting excited about it. So I put it down and it hurt a bit but nothing that I couldn't handle. Then I stood up with the nurses help and, "OH MY GOD";, were the First Words out of my mouth! I think my eyes got really big! I think I scared the Nurse too because she immediately yelled for a wheel chair. My leg felt like someone was pouring all my blood out of my body into that leg--almost as if my leg was a vacuum sucking all the blood into it--I couldn't believe it was that fast! After that shock came the pain. I did make it to the bathroom and if nothing else was working correctly at least that part of me was! You just can't believe some things that you go through in life. Ever since that day, I learned to never take a simple everyday task such as simply getting out of bed for granted.

A Cold Reception

The day that I was allowed to go home I was greeted by my oldest daughter. She and a few of her friends came and got me. I left in a wheelchair with lots of drugs to help with the pain. I was also given crutches to use for a few weeks. Wow, great, or so I thought. I was going home--well just where I lived and I was going to be cared for by myself and with the help of my daughters. NO WAY!!!

I was moved upstairs into the dining room which had no furniture in it except for now my daybed. I was moved there because I had access to the kitchen and the bathroom. Little did I know that I had to teach myself how to walk again. I mean I could not get my legs to move and it was very difficult, even with the crutches. I felt so helpless and I always thought of myself as a strong person who was very independent--aside from money.

This is so hard to express and write---but I really think it is a healing process that I need to go through. Strange how the things you thought you put past you can bring up so many emotions when you write about them many, many years later.

Each day for a week I lay on the couch in front of the front door. Each morning as the kids were off to school I was supposed to get breakfast and maybe some lunch because I really had a very difficult time getting up and using the crutches and was on alot of painkillers.

I was horrified that I would be treated in the manner that I was from my own daughters. Each morning my youngest would throw me a lunch-sized bag of potato chips on her way out the door. That was what I was to have all day! I was too drugged to be mad. I was very saddened that was for sure.

There was a lady at the church I attended and she got me some help for lunch. Since my insurance didn't cover it she had some volunteers come by and give me lunch--a real brown bag lunch. It was great to have a sandwich and some other side dishes and a drink! That was a big help and they only had to do it for a week.

It took me three months to be able to walk again and 6 months before I could do things normally and without crutches. I was now on Coumadin and had to go back to the hospital every 2 weeks to get my blood tested so they wouldn't have it too thin. Having your blood too thin will make you bleed internally and possibly die of bleeding to death even if no one can see it. Oh and by experience later on down the road of my life--I learned that it is extremely painful to bleed internally. More about that in a later chapter. I was in no way done with this blood clot thing and to this day it follows me.

20/20 Hindsight

During all this time and things happening to me, I had forgotten everything that I learned about myself and who I was. I was just trying to survive and manage my stress and anger. Each time I turned around things were blamed on me and everything that happened to him and the girls was somehow my fault and I caused them. My self esteem was lower than dirt during this time period. He kept pushing my buttons and loving it. I didn't have anyone to talk to. Most everybody was at work or doing something during the day and only there for me at night and well I couldn't talk to them on the phone. Everything that I did or said was used against me--so I just stopped saying anything and shying away from everything and anybody.

Just remember that I now know that everything that I have gone through so far is to gain experiences so that I can help others later in my life. All these experiences - I would not have changed because they all culminated for me to learn and grow to be who I AM today.

More to come in the next chapter......