Previous Chapters
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Rock Bottom
After learning that I didn't have a job and would be making no money and bringing in no income I called Welfare and went to them and did all their paperwork and all that stuff.
I had to copy my checkbook and give them a copy of it. I also had to give them copies of my employment checks and the letter that I got from the lawyer. So I did all this. Then I get a call telling me that they are going after my ex for child support and custody. I told them that I didn't want to do that. My reason, and I didn't tell them this, was because we had Joint Custody of both girls and my oldest decided to stay with her father and the youngest with me. I couldn't afford child support or anything like that and he knew that much so I didn't pay for anything for my oldest that lived with him. He paid me by check every two weeks and never missed a check so that I could have things for our youngest. Going after him would be the worst thing for our daughter. It would mean delayed checks and all kinds of things. Not to mention a more stressful situation between my ex and I. He called me with the information about them sending him a letter saying that they were going to go after him for child support. He was ticked and he blamed me for it and I had nothing to do with it.
I called them and explained that I did NOT want Child Support from him and that they are NOT to go after him. I had to sign a bunch of papers to have that set in place.
A few days later I get a letter in the mail from the Welfare Department. They denied me anything because I made (and this is the honest truth) because I made exactly $1.00--one whole dollar over the poverty level. That just blew me away! I was allowed to make just $400.00 per month to be able to get on their Welfare plan. Even then no one could afford an apartment when the going rate was $600 plus and then where would the food and utilities come from---the air!! Give me a break! I did get a medical card for my daughter though and all prescriptions for her were $1.00.
She decided to go back and live with her father, leaving me there all lone. Well I had my cat and her daughter and another cat that needed constant attention because of a condition he had.
It took me all of a few days to finally sit down in my comfy over stuffed chair.........................................................and I sat there and didn't hear, see, touch anything or even get up to go to the bathroom.....................I sat there for days. I didn't cry................ I didn't think................. I didn't feel.........I didn't eat or drink.......................I didn't do anything. I just sat there.....................................The downward spiral of what I called my life finally ended.........................................and I hit my lowest part of my life that I could ever imagine...........Rock Bottom.
When you finally hit that in your life, it's not like you have ever expected--if you ever expect to hit it al all. I thought that I hit rock bottom a few times in my life before this, but you really never know what it is until you really hit it. They were never near this.
It's quiet down there. You are alone and it is lonely down there. The night is not even close to how dark it is in that hole. At least in the night there are stars to light it up but not in the hole. The first few hours, it's kind of nice to be there with all the quietness and it kind of feels serene and calm. You kind of want to stay there all of your life because there is no interaction with others. No one to tick off and certainly no one to tick you off or abuse you anymore. Time is nothing. means nothing in that hole and hours could seem like a minutes or vice versa. For me it was days. I didn't ever want to come out of the hole and the darkness. I liked it there. No one could touch me or harm me or accuse me of things that I didn't do nor could they ignore me and play emotional games with me.
And then......................................................
Whispers From OZ
Then there was a light--a tiny spark of a light. I heard a voice and the voice was familiar. Closer he came to me and closer did the light that he brought with him. He got right up to my face and he said............................................."Everything is going to be OK."
I don't remember if we talked about anything else, but I know that he took my hand and we walked, with that light he had, out of that hole that I was in. He was careful not to blind me with that light. He left me sitting in the chair and as I woke up or came out of my whatever, I watched him walking with that light he had and he blended with a bigger, brighter light as he faded out of my sight.
He never once asked me, the last time I saw him nor this time, what religion I was or if I believed in him or the Devil, or God or His Father. He never spoke to me in a jealous or condescending manner nor did he ever say that his way was the only way. He didn't admonish me for bad behavior or thoughts or even if I committed any sins. None of that mattered to him. He was just total and unconditional love.....and again,,,,just as the first time I met him,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,there is no describing it here on this earth....and nothing can compare to that love. There just isn't anything to describe it with.
Everything that I go through -or anyone else- has a purpose...and everyone and every living thing are from the same place and and we all are connected..There is another world that we all belong too and it has a purpose. This world has a purpose. Religion has a purpose but it has no connection to the real God or Jesus or the Devil or Satan. I mean he doesn't ask you if you belong to one or the other or any at all. It doesn't matter to him. He isn't scary and doesn't want you to be scared. He isn't controlling and he doesnt' tell you to be that way. He is total love and that is what he wants people to know. This I know from being and hearing the Whispers From Oz. It is not Satan or the Devil and anything that we choose to go through from OZ is not evil or good--it just is............................................and "Everything is going to be OK."
Only Way To Go
Now that I am back in the living world a thought comes to mind....................I have hit my bottom and now the only way to go is up.
I manage to get myself up out of the chair and my cats are very hungry and I go to the kitchen to fill up their dishes and apologize to them for not taking care of them. As I am doing this I get a whiff of some awful smell............ah....the litter box needs a good cleaning out.
After taking care of my pets, my body begins to send me signals---------the first---
I gotta peeeeeeeeeee!!! Wow that felt good to relief myself! Another signal makes it through-------------
oh------------ahhhaaaa,
Drink and food. I go to the kitchen and make me some coffee and eat something. My body is becoming more awake and appreciative of me. Now it is time to take a long, hot shower.
I get all cleaned up and come out and sit in that chair again.
Nope I didn't phase out or go back into that hole. I asked right out loud to God or whomever would listen to me--and there are people who listen to you all the time--------------- How do I get out of this mess?
A few minutes later I pick up the phone book. It was almost brought to me as it fell off the shelf. Not kidding here people!!! They do listen and you have to ask them out loud and not in a whisper or a prayer or silently---do and say it out loud as if they were right in front of you because nine times out of ten that is exactly where they are.
When I pick it up I start flipping though pages. I just so happen to stop at a place and I didn't know what it is or who they are.
It says DHHR----Department of Health and Human Resources. I had no idea what they were all about and it had nothing to do with the Welfare Department. So I call the number and ask them to help me. The lady on the other end explains to me about a new program they have called Displaced Homemakers. It is for those women who have gone through a divorce who were the homemaker in the house. It is for those who have children and for those women who want to get an education and get into the working world. She told me that they pay for food and transportation cost and also the whole educational program. There are two such programs. One is a two year program and the other is 18 moths for those who want to get into the job market sooner. The shorter ones were for Office Technology programs with certificates in things like Medical and Legal Secretary studies. I chose the medical because I have always wanted to be a nurse but never got there.
So I was on my way up and it felt good to have some control over my life for once. I was in charge of what I did and didn't do and who i was with and not with. Oh I was totally against men and never dated for 5 years after my divorce. More on that later..
Moving On Up
My daughter moves back in with me. I am going to school and getting super grades. Things were going great!
I was having fun and I didn't need a man to help me or be ther for me. Life was great!
School would start a 8 in he morning and be open until 10 at night. That was great because I always took my daughter and two of her friends that lived next door to school and then I would go on to my classes.
Most of my classes were in Microsoft Windows--Windows 98 at the time. I knew all about those programs already so I breezed right through them.
The problems I had were with the typing. I took that in High School and could only do 40 wpm. Surely I thought with doing all the other classes and doing typing throughout the years that my typing would have gotten faster---------not a chance! No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't get past 45 wpm. I am not a typist. Now watching my daughters type--wow is all I can say!! Funny too as everyone else in my family can bowl--but I can't do that either!
I really needed a job and I was talking to the lady at the Post Office where I get my mail. She told me that her husband needed a receptionist. That was great!! I got the job and I loved the work. I stayed there for 2 1/2 years.
Ut-Oh
As everything was getting better my car was getting worse. I had it in the shop three times and they still couldn't figure out what was wrong with it. They had put in a used engine and my ex paid for that. That was nice of him. The shop was an hour away and I had to keep taking it back there. So I didn't have another car or a friend that could drive me that and pick me up and so forth I ended up staying at the shop for a whole day each time. What a waste of time that was. While this was going on I had to make up time that I missed in school. I also had my job. At the beginning it was part time. I would take the kids to school, got to my school at the other end of town, then go to my job and then back to school again and not get home until like 8 at night. I can remember me falling asleep on the couch, in front of the television, sitting straight up and my head propped up on my hand. My daughter would come out when she went to bed to tell me to go to bed. In the morning she would have to come and get me out of the bed after the alarm clock still on for about 10 minutes. Wow, those were hard times!! I did it though and got on the Dean's List for accomplishments and passing all my courses with high marks!!
The last time I took my car to the shop was on Valentine's Day and my parent's came and took me. That would have been great only we had a snow storm that day and they weren't calling for any snow. It was a bad trip back home.
The next week my car died again and instead of taking it back to the shop, my parent's met me at the dealership to get a new or used car and trade mine in. It was getting ridiculous. I didn't have to pay for anything at that shop, but the time that I could have been doing something else and my parent's wouldn't have had to do lots of driving and we wouldn't have had to drive in the snow. It was blizzard like conditions.
So they met me at the dealership and I looked and we talked about what kind of car I was going to get. We looked at mini trucks and cars and all sorts of vehicles. I wanted a truck for where I was located, on this mountain. What I got was a little, red, Toyota Tercel. That was great. I needed to ask my boss for a raise because I now had a car payment. It was not smooth sailing though with my mother. She is a control-freak and has to be in control of everything and she trusts no-one. We had a really bad arguments over my dad and her paying for the down-payment on the car. She was assuming that I was not going to be making all the payments and that they didn't really want to be responsible if I had. I had a job, I have always paid my debts, yet this woman gives me grief all the time--non trusting and she ticks me off. Hence why we do not get along!! I can stand about 15 minutes with her and then she goes off on tangents again.
Little Red
Things were pretty good now that I had a brand new car. I had given her a name too- "Little Red". Oh and the car wasn't even 6 months old and I was already in an accident. It wasn't my fault either, but my hood got bent in half and I couldn't see out of the front window.
I was taking the girls to school and then going to work when this women in a truck was backing up. There was a big turn and I was on one side and she on the other. I was coming up a hill and on a dirt road it is hard to know where you are going if going backwards.
Anyway she kept baking up and the girls and I were getting worried and wondering what the heck she was doing--backing up. I kept beeping my horn and backing up down the hill. Scary thought there!! She kept coming and coming and coming and I didn't have anywhere to go and I kept beeping and beeping.
Then......................crash.......................she had back up right into me. The girls and I just looked at each other and looked at the truck and it took a few minutes for this lady to get out of her truck. Seriously, we couldn't understand why she didn't hear our horn and she kept backing up.
She got out and said that she was sorry and we exchanged insurance information. She said that she thought the beeping was far away and didn't know that I was behind her. OOOKay....the girls and I kind of just looked at each other again. The good thing was that she paid for all the damages out of her pocket. But my new car.....it was not new anymore.
We had some funny things happen with that car and my daughter and her friends........well they weren't funny at the time--more like a shock!
One day as we were all getting ready to leave the house, My daughter's friends were outside getting ready to get into the car. I had it running so that it would be warm when we got into it. My daughter went out of the house a few minutes before me and she was yelling something. I got to the door to see what was going on and her friend was halfway inside the car and halfway out of the car and Little Red was rolling towards the house. She was trying to stop it by trying to get inside a rolling car and reaching the brakes. At this time in front of the house was a pile of logs for firewood. I just stopped in my tracks and kind of yelled, "What are you doing to my car!"
Well when the car hit the logs it stopped and nothing was damaged. My daughter's friend told me that it just started to roll down the driveway. My daughter was in shock and so was I. We couldn't believe what was happening! It was like a slow motion movie. I promptly took the car to the dealer the next day to check out the brakes. What I found out was the emergency break was too loose and they fixed it. They said it must have been when I had the accident and things got messed up. Since the accident didn't do anything to the interior of the car they never thought to check the emergency brake.
Another day I went out to start my car to get it warm, I accidentally locked the keys inside--while it was still running mind you!! Boy did I feel stupid that day. I got my daughter's friend's dad to help me get into my car with a coat hanger. It took us an hour and a half to get the window down far enough that I could stick my arm in the car to roll down the window and unlock the door. The button to unlock the car was flush up against the door so burglars couldn't get inside after you locked it. LOL
Looking back now, it seems sooo funny!! You got to laugh at your mistakes! It was hilarius what we went through with that car. It was the best car I ever had. If I had a choice and the money I would get that kind of car again!
I could go over those potholes on my dirt road like nothing else. Since the car didn't weigh much I would sort of hydroplane over the potholes. In the winter though I would put two bags of pea gravel on the floor in the back to give it weight when driving on snow.
One year it snowed so bad that I dug myself out the night before and the next morning, it had looked like I didn't do a thing. I called in to work and told them that I couldn't make it out. Well the one boss told me that I had to come in to work. I don't know why because I worked for a land surveyor and they couldn't work in the snow--not that deep that is. It was 3 feet deep. I would be just sitting there wasting their money. This company who I worked with was losing money and I was trying to save them money and the real boss kind of knew that. He was embezzled by one person and then was also being hoodwinked by another.Of course at the time I didn't know this. At any rate, I told them the only way that I was going in was if they came and got me and if they did that then they would have to take me to the store to get essentials because we were expecting more snow and I wouldn't be coming in. Hey, an hour later---it only took 1/2 hour without the snow to get to my house--they show up in a truck. Another co-worker comes with him because instead of this boss's truck getting dirty he had to get this other employees truck dirty. It took them over an hour to dig me out so that I could just walk out to the end of the driveway. It was ridiculous. They did take me to the store on the way home and I was out for that whole week and no one said a word. They knew when my road gets bad and I tell them that I can't come in--that means I can't come in.
Get Out Of The House!
It had been 5 years and I wasn't worried about dating anyone. Heck I still dis-liked men. In all those times that I went through that Rebuilding Book, it said about getting over a relationship breakup or loosing someone anywhere from 2 - 5 years and I was giving myself plenty of time to heal.
My daughter was playing emotional tennis with her father and I. She would come live with me for 6 months and then go live with her father for 6 months and then back to me. Each time she did this she would tell little secrets and the bad things that each had done to her while there. She was a very good manipulator to get what she wanted. I was getting pretty tired of this and it was hurting me more and more. Each time she moved out and went to her father's my heart was being ripped out yet again. It already hurt like hell that my oldest decided to live with her father and she never once came to visit me while she lived with her father. It rips your very heart out. So I sat down with her and I told her that I can't do this anymore. It was her father or me. Oh her father poured on the stuff on her to get her to live with him--promising her everything and I knew it was just empty words he was telling her. I just told her that I couldn't give her things but what I could give her was all the love that she deserved and could ever want. I told her that it was up to her and her decision and that I wouldn't push her. Sure I wanted her with me. AT least I could have one of my daughters and that is the way that it should be, but I didn't say a word. She kept asking me and I kept telling her that Yes, I would like for her to stay, but it was still her decision and hers alone.
She decided to stay with me. It wasn't easy either. I don't know what was wrong wit her and everytime that I would get close to her she would up and go into her bedroom and slam the door. I finally had enough and took her to a psychologist. I was at my wit's end and ready to pull my hair out. Talk about stress! Well she wouldn't talk to them either. She would go into the room with them and shut up. Finally I just told her right to her face----Hey I cannot fix anything if you don't tell me what it is that I am doing wrong! I told her that I couldn't read her mind. Finally she opened up a bit--jut a bit, but it was workable.
Things weren't getting anywhere and I did something that was odd for me. I called one of those Psychics. Now don't think me weird or anything and I know the money traps they can get you into--been there done that one in Florida and was almost wiped out of money by her. What a crock and waste of time, energy and money! Anyway the lady on the other end didn't tell me anything that I couldn't have figured out myself----it was a Whisper From OZ---------I didn't see it and had to be told in some way and this was the way..........
She said, she didn't care where it was or how I did it, but that I had to Get Out Of The House.
Funny thing too with that. I was reading the newspaper the next day and in it was an event for a Valentine's Day Dance for Singles in the area. I called them and got the information and directions..........................and I shall tell you what happened with that in.................... Chapter 9.....................when I have it written.........
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