Punching Bag No More

Had Enough

It has been two or more years, I forget if it is three or just the two that some family members have ignored me.  Yes, IGNORED me.  Last year I asked one of my daughters if we were doing anything with them for the holidays.  I never got an answer back, so I told her that I would just mail the kids’ stuff to them.  This year I asked again and got no response. 

I asked specifically why she and her sister were ignoring me.  Wow the answer that I got back kind of shocked me and sent me reeling into anger and disbelief.  I got sick after that and it has taken me a week to recover.  I have Ulcerative Colitis and stress aggravates it.  My thoughts aggravate it.  I go to lie down and get some sleep but the thoughts keep on and on and on.  The stress just does not stop no matter how I try to stop my thoughts.  I guess you can call that being sensitive, but Hey Wait a minute…….we are talking about me now and how I got this way and what affects me and all that.

My daughter told me that I said some pretty nasty things to my mom and to my sister and that she thought that they had had enough and are now ignoring me.  She has no idea and she will never see what my mother does to me.  My mother always treated her very well. EXCUSE ME!!!  What about me and when do I get to say that, “I have had enough?” 

Ever since my dad passed away two years ago, I have bared my soul and my abuse.  Someone mentioned that it was good to get our childhood out to heal.  Well I can tell you this is not in my childhood but from my adulthood.  I only added the adulthood chapters in this chapter and I guess that I will have to make another list of my childhood stories.  Those are called “Whispers From Oz” I named it that way before the “Tinman” series came out.  Funny how some of that series was like part of my life too only my parents were the same and they were mine, not like in the series. Things were given to me in dreams and visions back them.  They were just tiny snippets of things that would eventually come true. 

For some reason I was made a tiny child.  I weighed only 4’ 4 ¼ ounces at birth.  I didn’t grow much for a long time.  I can’t figure that one out but my sister towered over me….in more ways than one.  Every time my sister did something bad, I was punished for it.  She had more friends than I and was constantly telling me what to do….so she would not get into trouble.  Oh I did some doozies too, but it continued after we grew up.  So far I have been told to take down my stories by her and another relative told me that I was not telling the truth.  I tell you if they don’t like it then they can write their own story.  I also have a cousin who thinks that I am Satan, for what I believe.

I do not get appreciated for all that I have done and the sacrifices that I have made.  No, since their dad and I divorced it is as if nothing and I never happened before then.  Their dad has done everything for them….That was very apparent at my daughter’s wedding.  Everyone but me was recognized for raising my daughter.  That hurt so bad, you cannot believe.  I didn’t get the first dance with my new son-in-law either.  It was almost like I was invisible.  I was also sat behind a pole and could barely see the cutting of the cake.  So much for choosing to raise my children myself without sending them to a babysitter or childcare center.  So much for choosing raising them above getting a job and having a career.  They were my career!  No where am I appreciated for those sacrifices. Their father was not home all that much.  He decided to stay at his parent’s while he was going to college, which he was flunking out of.  When we moved to Florida he had a job that used him for all the hours that they could get him.  What I mean by that was he was salaried and they could have him work all kinds of long hours and they wouldn’t have to pay him for any overtime.  Then he got a job that sent him to Georgia and he was allowed to come home once every third weekend……..and who do you think was raising the girls then………………..Oh they forget.

I loved living in Florida and when we divorce it was my intention to move back there.  Well my youngest daughter was hoping for that too, but then I met my second husband and that was pushed out.  I also didn’t win the lottery either that would have helped in that situation.  It wasn’t meant to be though now that I look back on it.  All the people that we knew while living in Florida moved away from that state…for some reason.  There was nothing to go back too.  That was apparent to me when we went down there for a visit and I got another DVT and ended up in the hospital there.  Nobody could afford or was too busy with their own lives to put the girls up for the week or so.  My ex wanted my daughter to just take my car and leave me there.  My daughter bolted at that and rightly so.  You see I know things about him that he doesn’t think that I know.  He punished me harshly that I was having some affair.  Yes, I told him that I was way before we moved to Florida.  I was also blackmailed into telling my husband that as the guy that I was seeing knew about me being raped.  He told me that if I didn’t tell my husband about it that he was.  So I had to come completely clean with my husband.  He didn’t believe me after several attempts telling him.  I wrote it up in a poem and here is that poem.  Oh and I went to a couple of counseling session after moving to Florida and he went with me for one of them.  He still said that he didn’t believe me because he thought it was too bizarre.  Well let me tell you about what or how I thought of it all……

I SAID NO

Mom, he is bad news said my daughter

But that was putting the train behind the caboose

As my life and love and trust were already being slaughtered

Because he had already started his abuse

You said take your clothes off thrice

You must have been hard of hearing

Because I said no thrice

But to you that had no bearing

I couldn’t look into your eyes

For all the times that I said “No”

You just kept looking at me with hungry eyes

It was all becoming so surreal you know

It’s hard to remember my clothes coming off

But I remember you laying me down softly

You wanting to pop off

And I wanting you to leave me

For my very life I was afraid

If I had yelled or screamed you know

So the choices were made

That I would not be thrown through my bedroom window

Wishing I could scream and someone hear me

And then I don’t remember no more

For it was Jesus who came and took me

So I would not feel the pain no more

I watched you from the top of my room

Everything was in a haze of yellow

I did not hear what was going on in the room

I had no feelings and everything was mellow

Jesus had his arms around me

He said that everything will be OK

I understood that this was meant to be

And there on the bed I was to lay

I don’t remember you leaving

My thoughts were spinning as I lay there

Something surely left my heart bleeding

What had happened was not quite clear

I remember feeling dirty

Not one call did I make to you

Showers and baths they must have been thirty

Confusing thoughts was what I had of you

For you this was not the only time

Once you threw me over my furniture

It would not be the last time

But this time was your overture

My husband I did tell

Bizarre he thought it was

Leaving me to live in hell

He said it was a story I made up just because

I thought that no one would believe me

You were an ex- police officer

And so your story would have more credibility

This was certainly not the justice that I deserve

Two young girls I was to raise

And for them I was to be silent

The rest of my life was a maze

Preachers and Pastors and clergy I begged for my repent

They told me that it was my fault

For it was how I was dressed or what I was wearing

One told me that I got a job outside the home and that was my fault

Because of that I deserved what I was bearing

No one understood me when I said No

Through a glass I felt that I was shouting

How many times should I have said “NO?”

I did not dress the way they were recounting

It was the end of fall

I was wearing corduroy’s and a thick heavy sweater

Nothing revealing that is all

I was simply dressed for the weather.

I was not dressed to share my goods

Three times I said NO

Yet no one has really understood

No one would believe me you know

Everything was not OK

My life was changed by force

You didn’t have a high price to pay

With you there was no remorse

You took my innocence and my trust

You shot through my heart with your bow and arrow

So telling my story is a must

Girls all over the world are abused like this take a hard blow

Many girls have their own stories that began when they said “No”

Some are untold and in silent they live their lives

No doesn’t mean yes, it means NO

You better listen because most of us are not telling lies

Trust is broken and she cannot reveal

Can’t you hear me when I say “No”

So her whole life there is something missing that she cannot feel

And her words were disbelieved the moment that she said, “No”

This happened a many a year

This woman that I am still can’t believe

That there is still the victim’s fear

In today’s society, that has supposedly grown so, how can this still be?

It is common knowledge that men and society will chastise their wife for having an affair …. But at the same time they are the ones having the affair and in some circles are thought to be a good thing. HA! Yep my parent’s caught him in it.  I knew her name, still do.  He is all good a great, but he has lied to the girls because, even not knowing what the lie was, I could tell by the changes in the girl’s attitudes towards me. I never said a word because I did not want to put them in the middle…..oh but my youngest daughter did that and so I called her out on some of them and that is when she blocked me.  I wanted to keep it peaceful, strange that…and it was not peaceful because he got more and more bossy.  I did learn, but it took years to see what I was allowing. Oh and he pulled a stunt one day that confused all of us.  my new husband and I were at my parents and he pulls into the driveway.  At first I didn’t know who it was.  He comes up the stairs. He brought his new wife there and introduced her to my parents, while my husband and I were sitting there in the living room.  We all were like, What was that all about and why would he even do this?

Since everyone already knows that my daughter had a child and gave her up for adoption, I might as well release that stress.  She made me promise that I would not tell anyone about that, so I kept her secret.  I found out while at my parent’s when my dad passed away that everyone knew about that.  I am livid!  Meanwhile, she has the gall to tell people that I called her a slut and I have not.  For God’s sake she is my daughter and I would not have even thought of that, yet she tells everyone that.  Everyone believes her, of course. She goes and tells people that I never helped her.  OMG! We spent all of our tax returns ($600) fixing her outside water pipes one year.  She said that her father wouldn’t do it for her….I don’t think that I will believe that story just by her track record of telling lies. HA! And she told me that her dad is a Pathological Liar.  She lied to me when she came and told me that she was pregnant.  First story was the she didn’t know who the father was.  A couple of months go by and she tells me that the father didn’t want to have anything to do with her or the baby.  I had not heard from her in a while and call her sister to see what was going on with her or if she was OK.  I get told that she is having the baby right now…..and I am called the Manipulator and that I say bad things to people and that they have had enough…….I beg your pardon…..I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. I am tired of being lied to and lied about and I have just had enough of it all.

What does it mean by “keep the peace?”  Is keeping the peace really good for all?  At what expense does it mean to the person who tries to “keep the peace?”  In my case keeping the peace means let others stomp all over you and make it that you are the one that is doing the manipulating and the lying.  It means to lie down and take it all because you are a woman and that you don’t have a job working for someone else so you don’t matter.  That has what it all has come to in this world today.  Mothers who stay home to raise their own children don’t matter.  Hell my kids think that I don’t matter and I chose to be a stay at home mother for them.  What the hell!  I was little and so that makes it OK to be someone’s punching bag.  I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT.

Effects of being suppressed:  A perfect example is in this article and at the end it does use the same description as I have about being a “Punching Bag for others.”

http://www.psychmechanics.com/2014/08/effects-of-suppressing-your-emotions.html

When I married my 2^nd husband he abused me too but it was through him that I learned about what I was doing.  Yes, I was doing some things and through counseling I learned how to look in the mirror.  You see there aren’t always all bad things in that mirror, but it does take a strong person to do so and to see and accept the things that one has learned for many years.  It is hard to UN-learn some things as well.  That will be in the next chapter.

A Baby Story, Second Soul Contract It Is Her First Time Here

An Indecisive Child

Angela Sue Anderson 7/6/1979

After our first born was about 2 years old I decided that I wanted another child so that my oldest would have a playmate.  My husband agreed that another little one would be great.  He came from a family of 6 and he wanted that many.  I said whoa there!!!  So we did agree on 3.  That did not happen and I will tell you why in this story but first let’s get the beginning down.

After we decided that we wanted another baby I went to my gynecologist and got all the checkups and tests done to see if I was healthy enough to go through and carry another child.  I came back with flying colors and so we commenced on making a child.  It seems that just thinking about a child and I got pregnant within the first month of doing all the right moves and planning.  This was going to be great!  I was pregnant!  We celebrated and let our oldest know that she was going to have someone that she could play with.  She was excited too.  So there we have the great start and a healthy beginning. We then told our parents of friends.

So our youngest daughter decided that we would be her parents. We were all happy.  I do believe that we choose our parents and our lessons in each and every life.  Each one is different and lessons to be learned are different too.  The theory of a ONE LIFE is just that….we have that ONE Lifetime to learn and grow with the lessons we chose for the ONE lifetime.  Another lifetime is just another LIFE to learn other lessons but we only have the one life to learn what we chose to learn.  We do not come back as other things or animals. We do reincarnate for each lifetime full of great learning and fun and what we are learning in each of our lives is to become totally compassionate and to love others as ourselves.  There is no way that we can learn that form just one lifetime.  There are so many facets to learn and sides and then we make even more of those facets and it goes on and on.

Another thing that was going great was that my husband was going to be getting a raise and that helped us in the decision to have another child too.

Everything seemed to be coming together at the right time and things were going great……

I was three months pregnant and my husband’s employer drops a bomb on him.  He was told, mind you, that he was getting a raise. His boss told him so.  We would not have had another baby if we thought otherwise.  Instead of getting a raise, he was let go.  What a hard blow that was.  Me pregnant and needing prenatal care and the bottom drops out.  We didn’t know what to think or what to do.  I totally hate people who tell you one thing and you plan for something and then they do the total opposite.

My parents worked at AT&T or it was known as Western Union at that time and so they got my husband a job there.  The greatest part was that the medical insurance probation period was waved so that they would pay for all the expenses with the baby.  Whew!!!  So I believe that this child really wanted to be here too…….but

After three months into this pregnancy, it was a really rough time of it.  I was babysitting for 5 other children in the Low Income Apartments that we were living in.  One was a nurse and I watched her 6 year old child.  You would think that they would be the most understanding when you had to tell them that I would be bedridden throughout the rest of my pregnancy.  She pitched a fit.  There was nothing that I could do.  I barely was able to take care of my 2 year old.  The other mothers were more understanding.  I really hated to do that, but it was doctor’s orders.  That is why they understood.

Have you ever watched the movie (and I didn’t see it until a month ago and never knew that it existed) Delivering Milo?  This describes my pregnancy to a “T.”

The child that wanted to be born, well the child was afraid to be here.  My pregnancy all started out on a great footing but then something terrible happened.  I do not understand the why or how’s as I had a great start health-wise.  I could not believe what was happening to me.  No matter what I ate or drank, I would gag and throw it up.  I could not keep anything down.  This lasted throughout my whole pregnancy.  I was put on Benedectine to stop the nausea.  “The FDA has given approval to a prescription medication used to treat morning sickness that was pulled off the market 30 years ago after hundreds of lawsuits claimed it caused birth defects.

The pill, which was once called Bendectin—used by roughly 33 million nauseated pregnant women before it was yanked off shelves in 1983—will reenter pharmacies this June as Diclegis. The FDA had never deemed the drug to be unsafe, but Merrell Dow, the pharmaceutical company behind the pill, stopped making it once litigation costs outweighed profits.” *Link below

Between 1978 and 1983, over 300 lawsuits were filed against the company claiming damages for babies with deformities born to mothers who took the drug. I had to keep something down.  I ended up eating the boil in bag Chicken Ala King over rice.  That was the only thing that stayed down.  I don’t know why but it was that and only that that seemed to stay down.  During the last month of my pregnancy I could eat just a bit more and my gynecologist told me to drink lots of milkshakes.  I am guessing that was to put calcium in my body and to help the baby too.  To this day I cannot eat Chicken Ala King or drink a milkshake.  Oh they are not bad; I just have this block to them for some reason.

I can remember once going to my gynecologist and them taking blood for tests and all that.  It was not a good visit.  Three nurses came in and tried to take blood and each one of them hit my nerve.  That shot pain up my whole arm.  I did leave the office after that and told them it would have to be another day, but they are not poking me again today. 

My blood was so low that I also remember yet another time at the doctor’s office.  I was sitting on the exam bed and they came in to do their usual check of my blood pressure and all that.  Now I do not know if the nurse was new or what but she could not get a pulse.  I looked at her and told her straight out….I am here and alive and sitting on this bed. They also could not find the baby’s heartbeat either.  That scared me.  So at that point my child did not want to be here.  I had this knowing and it told me that she was afraid of the life that she chose after she decided that she wanted to live at this time and not at another time.  That would be true due to what I was experiencing with her.

It goes on more.  I used to always get Urinary Tract Infections with her too.  I was on so many drugs and vitamins that they really wreaked havoc on my body.  Meanwhile my husband kept telling me that I was making it all up.  His baby brother came over one day and I had the kitchen cleaned all up and sparkling.  Well he left it in such a mess and I did not have the energy to clean it up again.  I was madder that a bee then. 

Three times I went in to “false” labor with this child.  They weren’t fun times either.  This child needed to be born and most times it is a happy time but the last labor and it was the one, I just told them to get it out of me.  This child just needed to get out into the world and live her life the way that she wanted to live it.  Oh I was not mad at the child and this child today would probably say that I was, but I was not.  This indecisiveness had to stop because it was killing m, the mom. The child wasn’t going to have a mom if it continued the way it was going. This is when I said that I would have no more children. 

The child finally made the entrance that it was afraid to make and she arrived on July 6, 1979.  She was full term and weighed only 3.6 pounds.  She did have something going on too and I had to sign for them to do a spinal tap.  I never knew the results or why they had to do that procedure. The angels saved her and that is how she got the name Angela. I had a vertical C-section with her because I had one with her older sister. She was kept in the hospital for over a month and even with my stitches in my belly I went to see her every day. 

Oh she was fighting life so hard and still wanted to leave it while in that hospital.  I wanted to breast feed her but she didn’t want to have anything to do with that.  So I pumped my breast.  She really needed all the antibodies that a mom gives her child with the first milk.  So they tried to give it to her through a bottle.  Well she didn’t want anything to do with that either.  This small baby had tubes poking into her tiny little body all over.  They eventually had to put the life-saving tube into her tiny little feet.  Oh and since she would not eat, the ended up putting a feeding tube down her little tiny throat.

For the first week I could not hold her.  Do you believe that is when the child bonds to the mother?  I do believe that and as such and I wasn’t allowed to touch her or hold her that bond did not truly form. During her whole life we were never close as in talking to each other and her allowing me to love her.  It just wasn’t there. The relationship just seemed to get worse as she grew up.  I tried everything that I could do to make her feel special and wanted and needed and loved, but it continually got pushed aside.

No one wanted to babysit her.  I mean no one.  She was always cranky and she cried almost constantly with changing of her diaper, to her eating when a baby to picking her up and putting her down.  We changed her food and everything to try to find out what was wrong with her.  Looking back now, I really think that she had an allergy to Dairy, but I did not know this until I became allergic to dairy15 years ago.  Too bad, she might have had a different beginning and a different chilhood.

I love her dearly and also to the moon and back and, also like her older sister, to the next galaxy and back.

LINKS:  Bendectine: http://jezebel.com/morning-sickness-drug-returns-30-years-after-it-was-bla-471639339

http://www.webmd.com/baby/news/20130409/fda-allows-return-of-once-banned-morning-sickness-pill

© Debra K. Allen a.k.a Lady Guinevere

I researched and wrote this article. Please do not copy and paste any part of this article, picture included for your own use. I will find you and report you for stealing.  It is my right to change any information therein at any time and/or change the location of my article. 

Why Does My Mother Hate Me?

**Updates to this is at the bottom of my blog.

A couple of years ago I got it in my head to find out what my mother was taking for her medications. I did some research about her sebaceous cysts and found that it runs in the family and it is from a Dairy allergy. It is from a protein in the dairy itself. I also remembered her telling me about her Diabetes II and what her doctor at the time told her about the drugs he was going to be putting her on. She said that he told her that if she did not feel better in a year then he would take her off of them. Well many drugs and years later she is still on them. It is unnatural what she looks like now and all the pain that she is in. Here is how the story went down and why she wants me to hate her.

What Causes The Cysts

This is a picture of a Sebaceaous Cyst.
It is not mine, but they do get this big like over night and that is not made up.

I researched for over six years to find a cause. It was like finding the proverbial needle in the haystack. I performed numerous experiments using my own body as a test subject. For many years it was believed to be some sort of hormonal abnormality. I didn't have them growing up. I never even had that dreaded teen scourge of acne.

Through my own research I have found them to be genetic to some degree as my mother and my youngest daughter also have a problem with them. I didn't start to get them until after the birth of my oldest daughter in 1977.

Now the real shocker, I've found that they are caused by comsuming a natural chemical compound found in milk. Yes, Milk. Most people have told me that it must be from all the antibodies and hormones they feed to the cows which comes out in their milk, which it is not. I have also been told that it's just some form of lactose intolerance. That's what I originally thought but it's not that either.

CASEIN, a natural protein, which is found in milk is the cause of my getting Sebaceous Cysts. It's in all forms of cow's milk, including organic, goat's milk and is in all dairy products made from them. Because of this I am unable to eat cheese, butter or ice cream. I am able to consume items that are made with them in very small amounts.

It is a condition called and here is a support group for that if you suffer from it too. Hidradenitis Suppurativa supportgroup

I got all my research together and sent it off to her main physician.

I wrote a cover letter and added it to the package.

In that cover letter I explained the hereditary predispositions in our family and the symptoms and why we all have these same things. I now found out that it skipped my oldest daughter, but my grandsons have a problem with dairy consumption too. These symptoms do stop once you stop consuming this protein. It not that way at all. It is a more permanent type of thing. We all do not or try not to consume any dairy in our diets, even my daughter’s children.  We have to take it out of our diets altogether.

In the many pages of research it also had information on dairy that causes just about everything that she shows in her health from Dairy causing Diabetes II to High Blood Pressure to stomach ailments and much more.

I also told him NOT to tell my mother because she would get upset with me and to do his own research from the research that I provided him with.

Why are Doctor’s such BUTTHOLES!!??

He went and called my mother and told her that I had written to him. He even told her that what I gave him about our family was not true and that she did not have that.
All of us KNOWS that she does. I got the feeling that she was being used as a guinea pig or test subject.

Of course she called me and asked if I had sent anything to her doctor. I said that I did. I couldn’t get out of that and so I told her the truth.

She yelled at me over the phone and kept asking me why I did this. I kept telling her it was because I loved her and that I wanted to see her around much longer and to start to question things about her health.

She yelled at me and told me, “Don’t You Ever Do That Again”. I asked several times if she loved me and she did not answer me back.

I asked her if she wanted me to hate her because that is what I was or have always gotten from her and she did not say a word.

I didn’t know if she really wanted me to hate her or that she just didn’t have words to tell me, no.

Well if you have been reading my chapters you would surmise the same thing that I surmised and that is that she wants me to hate her.

It was really weird that her physician died in a freak accident two weeks later.

After he had told her to take Diabetic medicine she blew up like a balloon. That scared the beegeebees out of me and it is hard for me to see her like that. THAT was what caused me to really get into her health and drugs and medicines and that Doctor’s reasons for giving them to her. She told me that he told her that if she did not feel better in a year that he would take her off of that.  That has been over 5 years and she is still on them.  She is now sicker than she was before she started taking all those medicines. I have seen time and time again how Physician’s are catering to the Big Pharm and how they are using the elderly as guinea pigs. I saw all those red flags. She would die before she would listen to me. In fact, after I tried to tell her about the milk that was causing her problems, guess what she did……

She drank a 16 ounce glass of whole milk right in front of me. Ten minutes later she complained of her legs and feet hurting so bad that she could not stand. (She did it for spite and nothing else.) I told her so and that was what would happen. She did not believe me. She also gets really bad cysts on the insides of her legs and under her arms and in the private sections of her body. Just like I got and had to have them lanced. I do not have them anymore because I do know what causes them and I stay away from anything of dairy. I would also leave raw sugar packets there for them to use, but she would call me and tell me that they are there and that I left them there. I would tell them that they can use them…..she threw them away. I warned her of the Aspartame in all the diet drinks that they drank and they ignored me.

For months every time that I would call them she would get into it with me. I would hang up on her. I cannot talk to my mom in anyway because I can talk nicely and civil and will get a backlash and then I can stand up for myself and someone else will have to step in and literally take me out of the situation.

I really, truly believe that she wants me to hate her. Heck she has pushed me out so many times now and especially after my father died that I have no other choice but to believe she wants it this way.

After my father died she went to the nurse in her new doctor’s office to refill a prescription and the nurse did, in fact, ask her why she was taking certain prescriptions because she does not need them. Thank goodness that someone is starting to get her to think about what she is taking.

Now if I had the choice of doing it all over again and getting all that backlash from her again……..you bet I would, in a heartbeat.

It has been a year since my father passed away and after calling her a couple of times and being almost hung up on with excuses that she has to go to the bathroom and the last one was when she said that she had to take a nap.  That last one got me so upset that I sat there and cried for about a half an hour.  The first call was over the top.  She tells me that my sister and her family helped a lot that week after dad passed.  My husbnad and I were helping too, but she gave my sister so many accolades and totally ignored that my husband helping too.  That hurt.

June 25, 2015:  Low and behold though she did call me about a month ago and said that she was in a nursing home for three months and then was at my sister's for three more months.  She said that she was thinking about me.  I did not ask her what kinds of things those thoughts were becasue I do n't want to know.  I do not want to get hurt anymore so I don't ask anything or tell her much anymore.  Nothing that I have said to her seems to be the right thing to say. I do not know where she is and I am not going to call her.

My mom said that while in the nursing home she got her cataracts removed and her false teeth redone and they are more comfortable now.  At least someone is getting her health straightened out and that, I am glad for.

I did call my sister to wish her a Happy Mothers Day and also to wish my Mom and Happy Mothers day.  My sister was on vacation in Florida at the time.

This will not stop my writing more about my life and what has happened and happening in it. This is just the most current situation that I have with my mom.

I have had a few tell me that if  one of their children did that and called asking about her meds and ehlth that they wouldn't like it either.  I wouldn't mind my children doing that and my oldest daughter worked with me on my research and we did find out some interesting things.

I did appreciate that very much.

© Debra K. Allen a.k.a Lady Guinevere

I researched and wrote this article. Please do not copy and paste any part of this article, picture included for your own use. I will find you and report you for stealing.  It is my right to change any information therein at any time and/or change the location of my article. 

A Baby Story, My First Soul Contract She Could Not Wait

Melissa Dawn Anderson
born 1/2/1977

I was a teen and I had thoughts about my future as any teens would have.  I took a test to get into a Nursing school.  I wanted so much to be one and I had a mentor.  She was my real Aunt but a really good friend of my Grandmother and her sisters.  My sister and I called her Aunt Vivian.  What a wonderful person she was.  She was a Nurse too and that is how I wanted to be.  I got 95 percentile on the test and was ready to go to college.  Well I was stopped in my tracts because the school that I was going to and it was a local school too decided they could not afford to be open anymore.  Uhhgh.  That was a bummer.

I wanted my own career and be a mom and have a house and a husband too.  You know that “American Dream”.  Well so I thought things would pan out just like that.  Now there are people who say that you set your goals and you attain them, we I can assure you that it only happens to some people.  I have also been asked to set a goal for the next 5 years, and I can also assure you that doesn’t always pan out either.  Oh I have asked many of my classmates and some of them said that their life did not turn out the same as they envisioned when they were still in 12^th grade ready to be thrust into the world.

It was about the time that I got that news that the school would no longer be there that I got that “knowing” as in being told to me that I would be getting married soon and that it would not be a traditional way.  WT Heck was that all about.  So I ignored that.  Sure enough I got pregnant and guess what that is…a sort of shotgun wedding.  My boyfriend had his own career and life plans.  He wanted to be an Electrical Engineer.  When I got pregnant I had another knowing:  The baby was a girl.

I was working at a local Fast Food place.  I had been fainting just walking across the room from the prep room to the office.  I did not know that I was fainting and did not miss any time or had time lapses.  The Manager took me into his office and told me about all this strange activity that I was having.  He told me that I better get checked out by a Doctor.  So I did.

The news that came back was one of I kind of knew what it was going to be but hoped like all get out that it wasn’t.  This is how it all went prior to this news:

Both of us had jobs, but they were those kinds that you just start out with.  Well I went to see him after work one day and we made love but before we did that I told him that I was going to get pregnant.  He didn’t listen to me.  After we finished I was really looking for a bottle of coke to make it fizz and wash out his seed from within my body.  I could not find one in the time that one was supposed to use it.  So I kind of knew that I was pregnant then.  That was the vision and the “knowing” that I had previously.  Oh My Gee!  I tried so hard for this NOT TO HAPPEN, but it did anyway.  The child that I would be carrying really wanted to be here.  I could do nothing about it.

I watched a very old movie one day and it was about a child that wanted to be born in the worst way.  She and other children picked their parents.  Well the couple that she chose weren’t ready to have children…at least the man wasn’t.  You can watch the movie Trailer:  (insert Video of :  )

I find out and I am at work.  I try to compose myself but I couldn’t and left work.   I tell my boyfriend and he really wasn’t all the happy with the news either.  So we decide to tell his parent’s first.  The reaction from them was astonishing to say the least.  Oh it wasn’t that we were going to have a baby and were not married yet.  It was more of the tune of, “are you sure he is the father”.

I was left to tell my parents the news myself.   Someone else gave my mother a heads up.  So I told my mother that we were getting married.  She went off the deep end and said that I was pregnant.  Well I was and so I took that abuse.  The next thing that happened was surreal.  I had many friends that surmised that I was being abused by my mom.  I did not know about any of it and what they knew.  This is going to knock your socks off with what I had to endure during the first months of pregnancy.  I sure hoped this child knew what she was doing. 

My mother had made an appointment and pre-paid for an abortion for me.  She was going to take me the next day.  You heard it right!  She had paid for me to have an abortion.  I did not believe in that.  I also knew this child wanted to be here.  I could not do that.  Let me repeat myself:  I COULD NOT DO THAT.

Missy 1st grade

Now the saving part of all this is that some of my friends whisked me away for a few days to another place and a great family. It felt odd to say the least but I was there for about 3 days or maybe 4.  I do not remember how long it was now.  They were really nice.  Some things are a blur to me now, and I do not remember where I went after that.  I do now that my future mother-in-law was a seamstress and we went out and she purchased the material so that she could make my wedding dress.  That is where I learned the tricks to sewing.  Oh I took sewing in high school, but they only teach you what to do via the patterns.  My ex mother-in-law taught me all kinds of secrets.

Pregnancy did not bode well with my body. I drank lots of Mylanta.  I had to quite work because the smell of the oil in the vats made me nauseated.  I ate like a horse.  I mean I started out being 89 pounds wet.  The Obstetricians had bets about me reaching 100 pounds!  I was 96 pounds when I delivered her.

She didn’t come normally either.  She was a kicker and she was high up into my abdomen.  Well one day she kicked and she was not upside down like they normally come and it was not even her real due date.  She kicked down into the birth canal.  I had to have a C-Section.  They could not turn her as her foot was stuck in the canal.   I was scared, very scared.  I had never had an operation on my body before.  I was 20 years old!  They told me that my husband would come up with me during the labor part.  Well he never was able to come up to be with me.  That made me mad!!!  Then what happened next will surprise you as it did me.  I wanted to punch my husband…..seriously.

He came to me after I delivered and I was on the bed in the hallway waiting to be put in a room.  I can remember this to this day.  He said, “Put it back, I wanted a boy”.  I kid you not.

That was just the beginning of my first-born’s life.

I love this person to the moon and back and even to the upteenth galaxy and back.
She is gifted and that was hard raising her, but I stood my her all the way through school.  She is a very intelligent woman and knows what she wants and the steps that it takes to get them.  She has patience and she is a strong woman.

She has her own family now.  What a beautiful life she has chosen and I am glad that I had the chance to bring her here to experience all that she is to have here.  I am so interested to know what she was really here for that she could not wait.

Teigen Quinn, Melissa Dawn Anderson McCallum,  Rourke Pierce and Nate McCallum 2014

© Debra K. Allen a.k.a Lady Guinevere

I researched and wrote this article. Please do not copy and paste any part of this article, picture included for your own use. I will find you and report you for stealing.  It is my right to change any information therein at any time and/or change the location of my article. 

Terminal Lives

A Terminal Life: Chapter 11 My Dad Took My Secrets To His Grave

By Debra Allen

My Mom, Her Mom and Me

This was at the re-dedication of my marriage to my fist husband way back in the early 1980's.

Source: Debra Allen

All About Frostburg, Maryland

Frostburg (MD) (Images of America)

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Experience Brought To Surface

I have so many things to write about in my life and what has happened so far. I was thinking of this a while ago and then it kind of went to the back burner while other things bubble up to the surface after my father’s death on May 27, 2014. It was when this Answer or really Question popped up on my HubPages News Feed that brought some other things and the thought before back to the surface of my mind. Here is that Question:http://gmwilliams.hubpages.com/_35sahxpt0lubf/question/241825/were-you-an-unwanted-andor-unplanned-childif-so--were-you-begrudingly-accepted--barely-tolerated-

Frostburg, Maryalnd

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Read About All Religions and Beliefs

World Religions: The Great Faiths Explored & Explained

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Mom's History

Let me start off with my mom’s life as she has expressed it was like to me many times. Her parents, my grandmother and grandfather, were both serious alcoholics and smokers. My grandfather became a recluse later in his life. I mean a real recluse or some might call him a hermit. He lived in a shack on the side of a mountain. I mean a real shack, just four walls put together. I really have no idea how he survived the cold winters and the snow. You see he lived up on the mountain above the town that my parents and all my family were born in. It has a name that fits it well, Frostburg. I call it “little Alaska”. They always get snow and much of it starting in October right through March and sometime April too. Well he lived on that mountain. I remember one visit to him in the spring and he gave both my sister and I a bowl of freshly picked blackberries with milk and sugar on them. They were delicious.

Two People Who Have Gone Through Alcohol Addiction And Are Telling Their Triumphant Stories

• What Is It Like To Be An Alcoholic?
  Trying to understand an alcoholic is an impossible task for most non-alcoholics. Maybe this article will help in some way.
• Staying Sober One Day At A Time-My Story
  Well here I am happy as can be and alone again in my garage, just me and my beer. This is where I spent a lot of time doing the drinking thing. I was alone because no one could bare to be around me when I drank.

Alcohol and Angels

My mom told me some stories that I never thought that my family could or should endure. I hear and read other’s experiences with alcoholism. You never really understand it from their point of view until it hits home. Well my mother wasn’t exactly the poster child of being an angel growing up. That should not have brought the treatment that she got from her parent’s disease though. Not in my opinion anyways. She would go out and down the street and be playing with her friends and when she got home she would be beaten. I think that it got so bad that her sister took her in. Mom is the baby of the family and the only surviving child now and she is 76 years old. Her sister was something like 10 years older than her and she was the oldest in her family, two brothers followed her before my mom was born. They are gone too. One died of Cirrhosis of the Liver. He also had TB at one time too because I can remember riding up with my mom so that she could visit him.

RIP Aunt Laverne

Source: Debra Allen

Services For My Aunt

Ok let me get back on track again. So my mom lived with her oldest sister throughout her teen years. Well according to my mom she was treated badly there as well and did so hold a grudge against her …. still… and her sister is dead. Mom did not go to her service. My Aunt was cremated. Mom used the excuse that she was sick. Mom was very jealous of my aunt. She didn’t like how my aunt’s family treated her sister like a queen. I think that is pathetic. I, and my husband, were the only ones that showed our respects from the family. I kept getting asked how my mom was and why she was not there. Oh it was so awkward to be put in that position. Seemed to me, at the time, that mom never even called them to tell them she was not going to be there. I just told them that I didn’t know if she was coming or not but that she wasn’t feeling good.

Welsh Memorial Baptist Church

Welsh Memorial Baptist Church, Frostburg, Maryland, The one that my grandfather dug out and built the foundation for.

Source: Debra Allen

Merging Religious Ancestry

Like I said earlier mom wasn’t not a great poster child for anything. She told me all about how many times that she skipped school and got caught by the truant officer each and every time. She barely graduated because of all the days that she missed. She showed me where she always went when she didn’t go to school. It was a restaurant or local hangout for the teens at that time. I am talking about in the early 1950’s here. It was called The Princess and the truant officer always knew where she was. She was what I would call a “Wild Child”, or a “Free Spirit”.

She was raised Catholic because my grandmother’s maternal side was. My dad was Welsh Baptist. I do not know how that all worked out but she went with my dad to the Welsh Baptist Church all the time and we were raised there. Oh they were big into that and up until they started getting sick and their mobility went downhill they went every single Sunday. Mom’s father excavated and built the foundation to the Welsh Baptist Church in Frostburg. They had no machinery then like they do now and he dug out that dirt by hand, with shovels, with some help from other men. I grew up in that church until we moved in the mid-sixties. It is truly a beautiful church, small but so beautiful. When I visit back there once in a great while I can feel the love and the hard work put into building it. You know I can, somehow, feel a piece of my grandfather’s presence there.

My Father's Mother

This is my grandmother on my dad's side.

Source: Debra Allen

Clashes between In-Laws

Mom and dad got married right out of high school. Dad’s first job was working at a local Sunoco gas station. I don’t think that he made much money there. Mom told me that they lived in the basement on one side of the house where my father’s mother lived. In another chapter I mention that his mom and my mom didn’t really get along all that much. As I hear the emotions behind the words of my mother when she told me these things it seems that my father’s mother was kind of strict. That would be the degree of separation between my mother’s “Free Spirit” and my dad’s mother’s stricter household rules she had to follow.

Here I Am - oops

Then I was born. I am going out on a limb here, but I am thinking that I was not expected. I think, if I could right, that I was conceived about 3 months after they got married. Dad didn’t have much money and they were living with his mom in an apartment within my dad’s parent’s house. I am not completely sure if this is all correct in the timing of these events or not, but it would explain a lot of things about my own life and that of my sister’s too. Mom was/is a jealous person and very controlling. It would seem that she loved my dad so much and she just wanted to get out of her sister’s house that she married him. When I came along it must have been a shock as she would not be the only one that would need attention, especially from my dad. I was going to be terminal, as in terminated. It only makes sense that she would treat me this way that I have been brought up with. She is jealous of me. I was a “daddy’s girl”. He loved me so much and I think that green eyed monster, deep within my mom’s psyche, just would not go away. My mom craved for some real love, the kind that did not involve hurting back.

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In Retrospect

Looking back at all this I remember writing a letter to her, because I cannot talk to her right out or I will get berated and verbally abused, telling her that I understand all that she went through and that she should forgive her sister. Well that went over like a lead balloon. I got berated and verbally abused and my father sat there and said and did nothing. Just now, thinking about what I just said, it appears that maybe, just maybe, he was being verbally abused too and he just let her go like that. Sad, so sad, and so painful to go through it and not know what is going on. Looking back 20/20 and doing this writing about it makes things come out and then it is making some sense too. This is very healing, as others have told me on the other chapters in my comment. I am beginning to feel liberated from the dark feelings and to really get a handle on the things that I was forced to accept that now I know that it was not about ME. I was always feeling like the scapegoat in everything and that it was always my fault. Now it is becoming clearer that I was just the one that she could lash out at and it is all about HER. I did not cause my father’s first heart attack or anything else that she may have accused me of all my growing up years.

Unconditional Love?

My life might have been unsuccessfully terminated. I can rightly and believe that with all my being because she told me something about my sister too. She told me that she did try to abort my sister when she got pregnant. She told me that she would sit in a bath with the hottest water that she could stand so that her body would abort my sister. This is what brought about me to thinking that I was also an unsuccessful abortion. She had to deal with me and then she had to deal with my sister. Oh there was love, but it wasn’t the kind that you have for yourself. She had to give love to someone else and not get it all for herself.

A Long Duration of a Terminal Life

The saving grace of all this is……I am still here. My life was not terminated from the start, but I still have a terminal life that is long and still more to go. I am writing my story. My sister is still here and living her life. We are survivors from the early age before birth. Neither of us have substance abuse issues. It is said that it runs in families but my sister and I overcame that and neither of us have ever gone that far.

I once was asked why I smile after going through what he called “hell on earth”. I simply told him that I will not put my pain and troubles onto another person. It isn’t fair to them or to me.

Who asked me that and why is yet another chapter.

© Debra K. Allen a.k.a Lady Guinevere

I researched and wrote this article. Please do not copy and paste any part of this article, picture included for your own use. I will find you and report you for stealing.  It is my right to change any information therein at any time and/or change the location of my article.