I look back on my years on this planet and find what I have learned all through them. If I had known or remembered why and what lessons that I was going to learn in this life, I seriously would chosen not to come here. I wrote about my expereience of what I was taught in my NDE and it still stays with me in what I am to do here. I am not totatlly sure of my purpose here as I have had plenty of rebucking of my thoughts, experiences opinions and sharing of myself to and for others and from others as well. When I wrote all these chapters in my life, I have lost many as shunning me for what I say and what I have been through. Then again I have also had many praises as to telling my story and to keep it up. I was told by my sister to take it all down. I have done so, but I am publisng it all in it's entirety because I am 61 years old and not a child of 6. These are MY experiences and my learning that I am going through. I have been told tht what I said and experienced was not true, but yet they all got mad at me when I told it MY WAY and never did they ever feel the need to tell me their story.
At the end of my year 60, I look back at all the atrocities that I have gone through from anyone that calls me family. Well not many do now. My mother doesn't want me to even acknoledge that she exists. God Bless my sister as she had told my mother to not to forget wishing me a Happy Birthday. The year before this one she said to me that she wished me a happy birthay and then said that is all she will say. This year she didn't even call me....and I am not spiteful or a liar and so I did not call her this year on her birthday. I have been told long enough that she wants nothing to do with me. I cannot begin to tell you how that hurts and to be not wanted by your own mother. I thought about that a whole lot lately. We never really got along befre all this came about and my father passed away, so tht part doesn't bother me that she got mad and so did my other family members did too. It wasn't like my story wasn't up on another writing site for many years before I moved them here and then that is when they aw them. Thoughts run through my head as people memtion that she may be in her own mental state of dementia and then another one is that she is a Narccisist. I don't know really but She doesn't want me to say anything about her or just in general. I think me being on Facebook scares her. I have abeen on the computer and social media ever since my first husband brought a computer home and that has been since the late 70's. Why now? She has no power over me anymore. I am almost to the point that I know that I will not be told when she passes away. Heck I mentioned that to my Aunt and Uncle when I went to their house looking for my mom and sister when my father passed away. I am becoming numb with all this.
My youngest daughter doesn't want to have anything to do with me either and I have no idea why. It was before my father passed away when she statted the sunning of me. My memory is getting all messed up and I am afraid tht I will not remember her or my mom, because that seems to be what they want of me.
Talking about memory I thought of the title for this and then was formulating what and how I was going to type all this up and then 5 minutes later I forgot. Oh it came back when I forced myself to remember. Many times my memory is going like this and it is beginning to scare the beegeebees out of me. I try so hard to keep up on that stuff because I have a job of getting us out of this financial mess that we are in. Oh and that is getting much better, only there was a high price to pay for that. We now have no saving, no retirement and a loan from his life insurance policy. On top of that he lost his full-time job that was paying into the retirement plan and we were having them take out more modney for the tax man and now all that and his healt insurance is gone as well. He did go fulltime with one of his other part time jobs but there was a huge cut in pay and so that is why he had to pay all the bigger bills and some smaller ones so that we could afford to live. Oh yes, live. Then my computer died. Fun, Fun, Fun....not at all. So I took over the finances and we are on the right track, but my nerves are shot and not sure if I can handle anymore of this stress. I am happy we are on track thoug and so we move forward in this matter.
When I turned 5o, ten years ago, my body was not doing so well and my body decided that it was going somehwere else and just left me with someone elses body. Serioulsy that is what it feel like. I know about the age of 13 when kids, and I most likely did this as well, was switched by the body snatchers. At age 50 it seems that they have come back to tkae my body again. Durn aliens! Oh and I have had 2 alien encounters since liiving here on this mountain. My teeth are falling out and breaking off and that disgusts me and my dentist don't know why it is happening either and thinks it is all weird as well. My leg that I had my 3 DVT's in swells when it is hot and so I have to have the A/C on when it goes over 80 degrees. The worst is my eyes. When on the computer and reading stuff I put it in large print, but I still need to wear reading glasses becasuee the large print is blurry. My typing has gotten a whole lot worse as well.
What I have learned through these 60 years is I have to respect myself before anyone else will respect me. Oh what a lesson that was! Now that I have learned that have lost many friends and I think tht i what happened with my daughter. She would always tell me what to do and how to even cook when she came here for one of her birthday's. I don't need her to override me and she is not my mom. She told me once that she was my mom in another life. Excuse me...that is not this life and she is my daughter in this one. Somethe we both had to learn I am guessing. So I stopped allowing her to walk all over me and .........
None of this really matters and I had to accept that as well. Don't take this the wrong way but I am on my way out and I know that it is a process that is that is taken by myself. I have seen amny people on their death beds to understand this on. Then again I help them pass when they are waiting for soemone on this side to give them permission. So I am on that staircase. I know tht I will remember the love and all that goes with it when I get to the top and step over to the otherside. Tht may be in 20 years but the last 60 years seemed to have happen in a dream and in one night. I don't know what else it will be that I shall learn or how long tht it will take me. That remains to be seen or experienced.
I love others, but had to learn to love myself. Once I did that things started to come together.
Tjere is much more than this and will be writing another post. Sty tuned!!!
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