My Fight Against Diabetes

I was diagnosed with Diabetes when I went into the Hospital in June of 2019.  I did not believe that I had that at all.  I could not get my head wrapped around that because I did not have any of the warning signs of that disease.  So I started on a research into the disease.

I never had the sugar level or the High Blood Pressure prior to having that really bad headache.  It just did not make sense to me and still doesn't to a point.

I am an emotional eater and the last two years have been hell for me when we were dealing with Wells Fargo.  Very stressful.  Finally we were released from that stressful company the day after I went into the hospital and I do but much of the blame on them for causing the high stress levels, high blood pressure and the sugar to go sky high.Now I am expecting my body to go normal in about a year.  Another things that happened was my husband lost his high paying job because of downsizing 2 years ago, when we were going through the Wells Fargo stuff.  We had an ARM and that was fine then they changed their system about 5 years ago and I understood that interest would go up every 6 months, but what they were doing was upping it every month no matter what I paid them, it was never enough.  I got all the 7 am calls asking me when they were getting paid and most of the time it was a week or more before the bill was even due!  Yes calling them was very stressful and my husband could not take some of that stress off of me because he didn't have the time and could not longer get calls at his work.  So he would bring home candy bars and of course I would eat them.  Stress reduction for me but didn't realize the damage they were dong on top of the emotional stress.  I started eating crunchy stuff because I had to do it and chips and all that came into play with my eating.  It was horrible and cold not get out of it.  That GOD I am not doing that anymore! Normally I don't eat junk food and need crunchy stuff to sooth me and I never drank lots of anything,.  Which is weird because now with some of the supplements and their drugs that I was on I have to make myself drink lots.  I am just not thirsty that much.   This another reason I don't believe I have Diabetes.  I eat lots of salads too during the summer when I grow the lettuce and vegetable myself.   I love salads.  Junk food or going out to eat was only twice a month when we went shopping for groceries and food for the animals, mostly for our cats.  That was our treat.  I am not a big plate eater.   You beginning to see why I don't believe and are confused. What I have noticed is that my Rosacea is much worse now.


I know that I had Pancreatitis in 1996 before arranging my wedding.  He was there, but I was told by that doctor that I was an alcoholic, which I was not on account of my Ulcerative Colitis.


I did have some blurry vision and though that it was
my Optic Nerve Pit and I was not diagnosed with Diabetes then either, not even close.  I was born with it and it didn't really start bothering me until I hit 50 years old.  Still not diagnosed with the Diabetes then either.Most glasses that they gave me didn't really do justice to my long visions and I ended up just getting reading glasses.  No Diabetes  when I was in my early 40's.

You see in the pit it looks more like a hole and wondering how that was affecting me.  At the Eye Doctor they did show me wear I could and could not see on another picture that I don't have.  That was lots of my vision in my left eye and does and did affect my eyesight.  They did laser treatments and I will discus that in my next post.


I had to have an operation due to a hernia when I lifted a cinder block and I felt it rip.  Oh it did not hurt but felt something go loose in my gut.  Got all the tests to have that done and still no Diabetes reported.  Now I did have a blood clot in my 30's and so I took my sock and wore it to my operation that took 3 hours.  He did tell me that it may happen again and so I did not lift anything for one year, when it opened up yet again.  Exactly one year to the day!  Got the test them as well in my 50's and still not signs of Diabetes.  This was only about 5 years ago. That Hernia one lasted 5 hours and they had to take out my belly button.  Hence fat stomach.

This is why I can't get my head around that I have it now. Read that experience and the data that I got on some things that will surprise you: My Stroke At 62

What showed up was the headache that was a bleeding one and it really messed up my vision.  I just got two Laser treatments.  They weren't to right my eyesight but to prevent more damage from they said my Diabetes!

I also went to a dietitian and she told me about a diet that I should be on, and so I have been trying to be on that diet.  Then I went to a Dietitian and got more meds, which I think are poison.  I did not want to be on meds as I am more into supplements and natural thing gs.  Then I did lots of research on those and found some very interesting things about that and them and am taking them instead of the meds for High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol and sugar.  I told my dietitian about what I am going to take and have taken for the last month and it helps lots in keeping my signs that I now have with the HP and Sugar.  We have a problem with the Glucometer that we have and told her that it just will not work in our house.  She doesn't believe us.  I don't believe it either but it works anywhere not here.  She is going to try it at her office next visit, but it will work there and not show her that it will not work where I live.  She she will think that I am telling a story.  My mom believes me and told her nurses and me that it will not work where I live because of the mountain.  It has nothing to do with electricity,  I don't know what is it.

I have started a exercise program and my dieting and all that with lots of information gained in the last few months.

Anoth thing they don't know that I used on a daily basis that does cause High Blood Pressure is a Water Sotener that uses Salt. 

Water Softener and a Raise in Blood PressureIn areas with very hard water, the softened water coming from your tap can actually add a significant amount of sodium to your diet. The harder the water, the more sodium the softening system must add to replace the dissolved calcium and magnesium.Apr 29, 2019
https://www.verywellhealth.com › is-my-water-softener-raising-my-blood-pr...

Water Softeners and High Blood Pressure - Verywell Health

I was also diagnosed with High Cholesterol.  Now I have found lots of different Cholesterol there is and so I was eating Peanut butter top be on the Zero Carb diet and found that it is very high in Cholesterol.  Now I am confused and they wonder why.  Eggs are supposed to be good now and so I bumped up my serving a few more times a week.  Although I am allergic to them but I was told that I had to eat protein with my morning coffee.  Eggs are now in the good cholesterol range and a few years they were very bad for you.  So What!!!??  Here is a place where you can find out about that:

High Cholesterol Does NOT cause Heart Disease ( very controversial)

I also posted this on my FaceBook Group 

What are You Eating and Your Health  and got this respon to my question:

• "I just read this artilce and shared it tomty group and cannot say that I have these diseases but I am on High Cholesterol pills or was. The frist thing they say it is from is smoking. I have never smoked in my life and the second was a high fat diet. Not so sure on this one either. I don't do alot of frying and if I do it is with the diet stuff like Olive Oil, which I have found burns because it cannot handle the high heat of some things. Stress now that I have had more than enough in the last year and that has changed drasttically. I am 62 now and so I would be consiered elderly in their age ranges based on this article."......."Not everyones body uses cholesterol the same way, there is a genetic predisposition there to an extent . However , cholesterol, especially the LDL type , has gotten a bad rap for years as if it had no benefits or played no role in important functions , its the ratio between the HDL , LDL , VLDL that determines healthy / acceptable values .Its not only fatty deposits in the vessels that are responsible for cardiovascular disease , its inflammation , constriction of the vessels, trauma to the vessels ( by high b/p ) oxidative stress , etc..
• Sugar is a big culprit . Heart disease started increasing in frequency after the advent of refined sugar . .. then processed food , high fructose syrup and so on .. And heart disease is common in diabetics & one of the key effects of diabetes we try to prevent."

Sister's Phone Call

I designed my own Business Card and took this photo of the rose bush on my trellis in my front yard.

A very interesting phone call came from my sister about a week or two ago and I was thinking of writing this blog and then not and then decided to do so. She called and said that we had to talk. What she said after that was nothing like a talk.  Telling me off with a bunch of lies is not talking.  She then told me that she has things to say to me and that she was just going to speak them.  Not a thing that she said was true and I don't know where the lies were coming form or why she feels the need to talk to me like I was 12 years old.

She did this same thing to me while sitting at the funeral home when my father died.  I am the oldest but she never treated me as such or even a normal perso but someone to control.  Not going there.  When I first wrote my story she told me to take it down, which I told her NO and a few others got into that as well on-line and in person.

Why I hang up on people.  I hang up on them if there is no way of sticking up for myself and am being fed lies and cannot speak up and explain their lies.  This is what I did to my sister as she would not listen to me as she was yelling at me with her lies.

 
We did not talk, she yelled at me and I hung up on her after trying to explain some things to her.   She called back d I told my husband that I did not want to talk to her and he ended up hanging up on her too.

We had gone to visit with my mom on the way to my doctors appointment and spend the night before there.
First thing she yells is that we are not to go to my moms and expect to be fed.  We never did that and I tried to tell my sister that.  The helpers did that and we thanked them for the meal, of which we never asked for in the first place. It wasn't like mom didn't get any ata all.  She ate Pizza with usa and I thought that was good as she really didn't like much of her food.  It was fun!  The next morning we were told to go to the store to pick up some things.  I had no idea it was for out breakfast and lunch.  I am sure mom got some breakfast after all too and when we had tuna casserole we offered her some and she denied it.  She said that she didn't like tuna.   She also had before at home when we were growing up. That and any other food except the pizza was left there for mom to eat.  It wasn't like it was all just for us two.

Then she goes into a rant about me not having a job and that I don't care for mom. I guess she thought somehow that I did care a lot about my mom and called her every day for about 3 weeks until she got it into her head that I was spreading gossip about her health to others through a nurse, whom I never talked to and didn't know form a hole in the ground.  She would tell me not to be on the Internet period or tell anyone about her and such.  I started hanging up on her when she would get into that and no matter what I said she didn't believe me. That was when I mailed her one of my brochures to show her what I do on the Internet.She finally found out how they knew and it was simple but I never to this day got an apology from her.  That is how she works!  I don't know what she is telling my sister about me or why she thinks that it is a good idea and that I would never know about these things.  I wouldn't if my sister
My sister mentioned that I never called her after my fathers death.  What a crock of bull!  I seriously don't know where that cane from and told her that was not true.

Abut me not having a job and that she took care of mom when she came out of the hospital at which time I was never told that she was even in the hospital.  I did and someone told me that she was in Florida for a couple of weeks and my mom did not both tho let me know that.  My sister's husband told me when I did call and asked to speak to my sister.didn't call me with her lies.

BIG flag with that.  Oh how perfect she is and doesn't know that I called my mom several times at my sister's.  I never got to talk to my sister because her husband told me that she went to Florida for a vacation.....leaving my mom with her husband.  I do call her but many times I had to hang up because of her outburst with something she though that I did and don;t have a clue that I didn't do it at all.  Oh and never an apology to that.

So while visiting my mom, she calls my sister several times when we walked down to visit my Aunt and Uncle.


I don't work for others but myself doing all the work that they do for her job.  My business is for real and it is: Artful Creations by Debra Allen

I work odd hours, mostly when my husband is at work and out of the house.  His job is shift work not a day job.  He hardly gets time off without working at another job.  He loves it that way and loves his jobs and would not give them up for anything except the shift work one.  They currently have him on night shift for whatever reason.  We have only one car and I guess my sister thinks that I can just tale off whenever.  So not true and I told her that too.  Designing my designs for Zazzle's blank products is hard work and the the self advertising that hours.  That is my job, my business. I don't sit and watch TV everyday or night.  I am not a couch potato either!  I just don't care for those things.  I would rather be creative with my designs that Zazzle sells.

Who designs my products? I DO,

Who Arranges the Photos that I take on my products, I DO,

Who advertises my designs on the products, I DO,

Who markets the products, I DO,

Who pays the taxes on the products, I DO,

How long does it take to do all this, MUCH MORe THAN A HOUR

Who makes my business card brochures and thing stationery, I DO,

Who PAYS for all this work, I DO

Do I make lots of money? Heck No not yet anyway.So my sister ranting off at me did not get her noticed and she was being lied to.

I did find something about that kind of things that she is doing and pitting siblings against each other.  It makes sense now and I now what she is and what she is purposefully doing and here is the article to read about it:

How Narcissistic Parents Scapegoat Their Children
What it's like to be targeted by a narcissistic parent.

The permanent scapegoat permits the narcissistic mother to make sense of family dynamics and the things that displease her without ever blemishing her own role as a “perfect” mother, or feeling the need for any introspection or action. She has a ready-made explanation for fractiousness or any other deviation from what she expects her family to look like.


Yes indeed this makes sense as to why she is telling my sister lies about me and telling me not to do the Internet stuff and my blog because nobody is interested in things like that. Yes to cover her butt! Another family member told her what I said on my blog and got me into really big trouble with all family members. I think that I was taken out of my parents will when we were going to have this house and my husband was to say that we would never sell it. My mom controlling actions and words. At this point in time I don't want anything that she has as there is always strings attached! My sister also has power of attorney with my mom's estate and that was one of the things that she pointed out to me on her phone call. She did that on her own and I was never told that she was going to do that and leave me out of things. Leave me out....like I am not supposed to talk or have feelings or even be alive....HUH!!!

So now I know why my dad wanted me write about all this and to keep it going/

I am also being told to do what the doctors tell me and to take the drugs that they Tell me to take....Uh not on your life after I researched them in my previous blog post. I am suppose to just do as she says and my sister to who says the same thing. They want me quiet and for what....just as the article says, so I can keep being the scapegoat. Not now! Noot now that I know for a fact what she is doing and why. Not going to happen.

UPDATE:  My sister still clled me a few other times and once she asked me to be there at Christmas to watch my mom.  I could not and will not because that was set up a long time ago that Christmas was her time and Thanksgiving was my time.  That is the way it is.  She calls me to argue about me stealing food from my mom, which I never have ever done that.  For puishment she told me that she would never tell mre when my mom is in the hospital aby more and all that stuff.  

Another thinkg that I must clear yp is that Mom when she got sick after getting drunk she also told me a vew months ago that she never took another drink after that because it upset her so much witht hat.  Now when I asked my Auntu to tell me that truth she woujldm't and I wonder why. She and my uncle have now passed recently and because of Bovid-19 coulcn't see either of them. Ao aad.

If you want to have your say and not be limited like Facebook is doing join me on MINDS

My Stroke at 62

Oh in my 62nd year I had a Hemorrhagic Stroke. 

Intracerebral hemorrhage: The bleeding occurs inside of the brain. This is the most common type of hemorrhagic stroke.
Subarachnoid hemorrhage: The bleeding occurs between the brain and the membranes that cover it.

Both types of hemorrhagic stroke have the conventional stroke risk factors.

In addition, the risk factors for intracerebral hemorrhage include:
Hypertension - the most common cause.
Cerebral cavernous malfunctions - when blood vessels do not form correctly in the brain.
Arteriovenous malformations (AVMs) - a genetic condition where blood vessels form incorrectly, leading to an abnormally tangled web.

AVMs typically occur in the brain and spine. If they occur in the brain, the vessels can break, leading to bleeding into the brain. This disorder is rare.

Risk factors for subarachnoid hemorrhage are most often:
AVMs
bleeding disorders
head injury and trauma
blood-thinning medication
a bulge in the wall of a blood vessel called a cerebral aneurysm
An aneurysm can increase in size, causing the artery wall to weaken. If an aneurysm bursts, uncontrolled bleeding may occur.

It is a bleeding stroke and I have some bleeding in my eyes hence the eye doctors and laser treatments are involved.  I didn't have all the symptoms of a true stroke either. I thought that it was just a 

Migraine 

Symptoms
Migraines, which often begin in childhood, adolescence or early adulthood, can progress through four stages: prodrome, aura, attack and post-drome. Not everyone who has migraines goes through all stages.
and did n't go to the Emergency Room for 7 days. After 5 days of terrible pain in my head I knew that is was just not right to be a Migraine. I have had Migraines before that has lasted 3 days, with the change in vision and the horrible light and sounds, so nothing new until a day later. I could not go to the ER before that as my husband's schedule was so full and I thought that nothing could be done except to wait it out. Day 6 came around and we were going to my doctor's but she went of vacation and when coming back she changed jobs and would no longer be my doctor. So to the ER we went. It wasn't full on a Monday morning like I would think it would be and I was immediately taken to a ER room and next thing I new I was taken to get a cat scan, a MRI and a sonogram.After they came back I was carted off to ICU and hooked up with many IV' one in each arm, making it a bit difficult to move around and I am a side sleeper and made the alert system go off a few times. I was in ICU for 4 days.  I was told that my stroke was caused by my Diabetes 2 and was treated as I knew it all along.  Thing is with that I did not have Diabetes 2 all along, but they would not test me for anything else.  Thes are the other conditions which looks like Diabetes 2 but are very different:

Signs of Candida Overgrowth

Candida

is a fungus that can reside in the urinary, genital, and digestive tracts. It is a normal human microorganism, but can cause damage and inflammation when allowed to grow in excess. A study from the University of Petermo in Italy found that candida species can grow uncontrollably in environments of high sucrose, glucose, and fructose.[3] The typical western diet abounds with simple refined sugars such as these. They are found at high concentrations in carbonated beverages and energy drinks, and in white breads, white pastas, and white rice. Furthermore, with the abundance of antibiotics prescribed in western medicine, the candida fungus can grow easily when other intestinal microbes (“good” bacteria) have been destroyed by these drugs.[4,5]


High Blood Pressure Could Be Caused By A Common Virus, Study Suggests


Date:May 16, 2009Source:Beth Israel Deaconess Medical CenterSummary:A new study suggests for the first time that cytomegalovirus, a common viral infection affecting between 60 and 99 percent of adults worldwide, is a cause of high blood pressure, a leading risk factor for heart disease, stroke and kidney disease.Share:

A question asked and their responce on Minds.com: What is Diabetes 2 is not Diabetes at all? What if it were a simple virus? There are reasons that I do ask these things and experiences that are just not adding up: Diabetes 2 is a cellular resistance to the insulin, which is a hormone. This is possibly a condition that is driven by parasites, virus and bacteria taking over the body. That is when your pancreas makes plenty of insulin, but your cells the cell receptors cant take UP the hormone that is there in abundance. This is a bio problem, parasites change our body, blood, chemistry.

Host-Parasite Interactions in Individuals with Type 1 and 2 Diabetes Result in Higher Frequency of Ascaris lumbricoides and Giardia lamblia in Type 2 Diabetic Individuals

Considering the high frequency of intestinal parasites and the increasing number of diabetics [15], it is relevant to know the rates of infection of diabetic individuals by protozoa and helminths for the development of treatment strategies for these individuals. Furthermore, as immunological and physiopathological mechanisms causing T1D and T2D are different, the aim of this study was to investigate the occurrence of intestinal parasites in individuals with T1D and T2D.......


In total, 120 individuals with T1D and 36 with T2D were included from the three selected health services. Among T1D individuals, 68 (57%) were female and 87 (73%) were aged from one to 30 years old. Among T2D individuals, 28 (78%) were female and 22 (61%) had ages ranging from 51 to 70 years old (Table 1). In total, 118 T1D individuals (98%) and 13 T2D (36%) were in regular use of insulin. For each individual, 27 samples were analyzed totaling 4617 observations. The overall frequency of intestinal parasites in diabetic individuals was 64%. Entamoeba coli (42%), Endolimax nana (23%), Giardia lamblia (16%), and Entamoeba hartmanni (10%) were the main protozoa detected. Ascaris lumbricoides (12%), Taenia sp. (3%), hookworms (2%), Hymenolepis nana (1%), Strongyloides stercoralis (1%), Enterobius vermicularis (0.6%), and Schistosoma mansoni (0.6%) were the helminths detected....

Every Doctor that I have seen and still am seeing swearers that I have had Diabetes 2 all along. Nobody check the other conditions that mimic Diabetes 2. In fact when they put me on a drug and made me very ill (MetFORMIN) they had reactions to it that just did not make sense to me until I did research and found that the BIG Pharm pays them to prescribe those drugs.

Do Drug Company Payments to Doctors Influence Which Drugs They Prescribe?

Pharmaceutical marketing goes well beyond the half dozen commercials you might see during the nightly news. Ian Larkin, associate professor at the UCLA Anderson School of Management, has researched how pharmaceutical companies influence doctors' prescribing habits, and says that much of the marketing budget for many of these companies is directed towards direct contact with doctors. "Pharmaceutical companies are spending something like double the amount that they spend on research and development [of new drugs] on marketing to doctors." He says this is completely separate from the advertisements that we see on TV. That kind of marketing to consumers accounts for "only about 20 percent" of how much these companies spend on marketing their drugs, he says.

These days, direct marketing to physicians typically takes the form of what's called detailing – a practice where pharmaceutical company sales representatives visit with individual doctors to tell them about their products. "The average detail visit is less than 15 minutes in length, and it usually involves giving some brief information, maybe a study or some pamphlets. And it quite often involves a small gift," Larkin says. These gifts must be valued at less than $100, according to limits established by the Code on Interactions with Health Care Professionals created by the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America.

This stroke caused some sight problems and have gotten laser treatments in my one eye and the other eye in a week for today. They swear also that I have Diabetes and have had it for a long time. I do not have any of the symptoms of that at all, except or the High Blood Pressure and High Sugar. So I did research on my own and did find a few other conditions that have those very same things. Parasites cause this too but no doctor that I know does testing for that! BigPharm doesn't want people to do that and will try everything in their power to stop them from doing it. This is why I do not want or ever want Health Insurance. I also do not trust doctors.They cater to BigPharm and BigPharm drives their business. It is a racket!

I also took myself off their chemicals and am on a natural root type medicine from a company called Lipozene. What it is has been FDA approved which one of my doctors had a fit about it not being approved. It was approved in 1994/ It is:

GLUCOMANNAN


OTHER NAME(S):


Glucomanano, Glucomannane, Konjac Mannan.Glucomannan is a dietary fiber. It is usually made from the root of the konjac plant. Glucommanan powder, capsules, and tablets are used as medicine.

Orally, glucomannan is used for constipation, weight loss, diabetes, high cholesterol, overactive thyroid (hyperthyroidism), high blood pressure, and stomach conditions called dumping syndrome and functional gastrointestinal disorder.

In foods, glucomannan is used as a thickener or gelling agent. Glucommanan flour and powder are used in food.

HOW DOES IT WORK?

Glucomannan might work in the stomach and intestines by absorbing water to form a bulky fiber which treats constipation. It may also slow the absorption of sugar and cholesterol from the gut, helping to control sugar levels in diabetes, and reducing cholesterol levels.
USES & EFFECTIVENESS?
POSSIBLY EFFECTIVE FOR
Constipation. Taking glucomannan by mouth can relieve constipation in adults. It might also reduce constipation in children, but results are inconsistent.
Diabetes. Taking glucomannan by mouth seems to reduce cholesterol, blood sugar levels, and blood pressure in people with diabetes.
High cholesterol. Taking glucomannan by mouth seems to improve cholesterol levels in people with high cholesterol.
INSUFFICIENT EVIDENCE FOR
A stomach condition called dumping syndrome. Dumping syndrome occurs when food moves from the stomach to the intestines too quickly. This can cause the body to release a large amount of insulin, which can cause low blood sugar. Some early research shows that taking glucomannan by mouth helps prevent blood sugar from becoming too low after eating in people at risk for this condition. However, not all research agrees.
A stomach condition called functional gastrointestinal disorder. Early research shows that taking glucomannan does not improve stomach pain, cramping, or bloating in children with this condition.
High blood pressure. Early research shows that glucomannan might improve blood pressure in people with high blood pressure.
Overactive thyroid (hyperthyroidism). Early research shows that glucomannan plus methimazole and propranolol reduce thyroid hormone levels in people with too much thyroid hormone in the body.
Obesity. Some early research shows that taking glucomannan by mouth improves weight loss in overweight and obese adults and children. However, not all research agrees.
Other conditions.

More evidence is needed to rate glucomannan for these uses.

So getting these eyes stable with the Laser to prevent the spread of damage is 4 hours away. My mom's is 2 hours making the trip better and also visiting my mom. Well that was another experience and got many questions answered as to what she is and is doing and why I am the Scapegoat. That will be in the next post.


For more medical news and social interactions please visit my FaceBook Group: What Are You Eating andd Your Health


How To Rid Intestinal Parasites


5 Top Herbs to Kill Parasites Naturallyhttps://microbeformulas.com/blogs/microbe-formulas/5-top-herbs-to-kill-parasites-naturally

The End Of My 50's

I look back on my years on this planet and find what I have learned all through them. If I had known or remembered why and what lessons that I was going to learn in this life, I seriously would chosen not to come here.  I wrote about my expereience of what I was taught in my NDE and it still stays with me in what I am to do here.  I am not totatlly sure of my purpose here as I have had plenty of rebucking of my thoughts, experiences opinions and sharing of myself to and for others and from others as well.  When I wrote all these chapters in my life, I have lost many as shunning me for what I say and what I have been through.  Then again I have also had many praises as to telling my story and to keep it up.  I was told by my sister to take it all down.  I have done so, but I am publisng it all in it's entirety because I am 61 years old and not a child of 6.  These are MY experiences and my learning that I am going through.  I have been told tht what I said and experienced was not true, but yet they all got mad at me when I told it MY WAY and never did they ever feel the need to tell me their story.
At the end of my year 60, I look back at all the atrocities that I have gone through from anyone that calls me family.  Well not many do now.  My mother doesn't want me to even acknoledge that she exists.  God Bless my sister as she had told my mother to not to forget wishing me a Happy Birthday.  The year before this one she said to me that she wished me a happy birthay and then said that is all she will say.  This year she didn't even call me....and I am not spiteful or a liar and so I did not call her this year on her birthday.  I have been told long enough that she wants nothing to do with me.  I cannot begin to tell you how that hurts and to be not wanted by your own mother.   I thought about that a whole lot lately.  We never really got along befre all this came about and my father passed away, so tht part doesn't bother me that she got mad and so did my other family members did too.  It wasn't like my story wasn't up on another writing site for many years before I moved them here and then that is when they aw them.   Thoughts run through my head as people memtion that she may be in her own mental state of dementia and then another one is that she is a Narccisist.  I don't know really but She doesn't want me to say anything about her or just in general.  I think me being on Facebook scares her.  I have abeen on the computer and social media ever since my first husband brought a computer home and that has been since the late 70's.  Why now?  She has no power over me anymore.  I am almost to the point that I know that I will not be told when she passes away. Heck I mentioned that to my Aunt and Uncle when I went to their house looking for my mom and sister when my father passed away.  I am becoming numb with all this.
My youngest daughter doesn't want to have anything to do with me either and I have no idea why.   It was before my father passed away when she statted the sunning of me.  My memory is getting all messed up and I am afraid tht I will not remember her or my mom, because that seems to be what they want of me.

Talking about memory I thought of the title for this and then was formulating what and how I was going to type all this up and then 5 minutes later I forgot.  Oh it came back when I forced myself to remember.  Many times my memory is going like this and it is beginning to scare the beegeebees out of me.  I try so hard to keep up on that stuff because I have a job of getting us out of this financial mess that we are in.  Oh and that is getting much better, only there was a high price to pay for that.  We now have no saving, no retirement and a loan from his life insurance policy.  On top of that he lost his full-time job that was paying into the retirement plan and we were having them take out more modney for the tax man and now all that and his healt insurance is gone as well.  He did go fulltime with one of his other part time jobs but there was a huge cut in pay and so that is why he had to pay all the bigger bills and some smaller ones so that we could afford to live.  Oh yes, live.  Then my computer died.  Fun, Fun, Fun....not at all.  So I took over the finances and we are on the right track, but my nerves are shot and not sure if I can handle anymore of this stress.  I am happy we are on track thoug and so we move forward in this matter.

When I turned 5o, ten years ago, my body was not doing so well and my body decided that it was going somehwere else and just left me with someone elses body.  Serioulsy that is what it feel like.  I know about the age of 13 when kids, and I most likely did this as well, was switched by the body snatchers.  At age 50 it seems that they have come back to tkae my body again.  Durn aliens!  Oh and I have had 2 alien encounters since liiving here on this mountain.  My teeth are falling out and breaking off and that disgusts me and my dentist don't know why it is happening either and thinks it is all weird as well.  My leg that I had my 3 DVT's in swells when it is hot and so I have to have the A/C on when it goes over 80 degrees.  The worst is my eyes.  When on the computer and reading stuff I put it in large print, but I still need to wear reading glasses becasuee the large print is blurry.  My typing has gotten a whole lot worse as well.

What I have learned through these 60 years is I have to respect myself before anyone else will respect me.  Oh what a lesson that was!  Now that I have learned that  have lost many friends and I think tht i what happened with my daughter.  She would always tell me what to do and how to even cook when she came here for one of her birthday's.  I don't need her to override me and she is not my mom.  She told me once that she was my mom in another life.  Excuse me...that is not this life and she is my daughter in this one.  Somethe we both had to learn I am guessing.  So I stopped allowing her to walk all over me and .........

None of this really matters and I had to accept that as well.  Don't take this the wrong way but I am on my way out and I know that it is a process that is that is taken by myself.  I have seen amny people on their death beds to understand this on.  Then again I help them pass when they are waiting for soemone on this side to give them permission.  So I am on that staircase.  I know tht I will remember the love and all that goes with it when I get to the top and step over to the otherside.    Tht may be in 20 years but the last 60 years seemed to have happen in a dream and in one night.  I don't know what else it will be that I shall learn or how long tht it will take me.  That remains to be seen or experienced.

I love others, but had to learn to love myself.  Once I did that things started to come together.

Tjere is much more than this and will be writing another post.  Sty tuned!!!